Slips

I was leisurely tinkering my way through my morning, and my mind kicked out a few ideas. It always does that. Yes, I talk about my mind in the third person, because sometimes I think I have a Tulpa.

The first idea that popped up was about sending a message to someone to wish them a Happy New Year. At the time, I had not yet awakened the sleeping dragon—my computer. (I could say: My personal Eye of Sauron was still closed.) Things change for me once I awaken the dragon each day. But I have this idea to send a message, and it’s important, but I don’t dare awaken the dragon to ask if I can just send this one quick message. I’ll look up again and it’ll be 4 in the afternoon. Instead, I grabbed one of my precious slips and jotted a note.

Holding the slip I realized this was brilliant. I recently bought a brick of 1,000 3×5 cards because the slipbox is voracious. I have plenty of these little slips. So why hadn’t I done this for the past year that I’ve been keeping a slipbox? Why did it happen for the first time today? It happened because I used to see the slips as precious; They were nice, heavy, beautiful 3×5 cards that sit close at hand and are supposedly waiting to become immortal slips in the slipbox. Just the other day, I used the last one of my original stash, and I broke open that new brick… and realized I’d bought cheap-ass crappy Amazon knock-off 3×5 cards. (I had only spent $13 for 1,000 so I wasn’t too upset.) When that idea to send a message popped into my brain, I thought: “well, I have 1,000 crappy slips to use up . . .” and this little queue of individual ideas quickly appeared on my desk.

The lesson I re-learned this morning is that even a slight change of context can have an outsized affect on something. (In this case, my “precious” slips [you’re hearing Gollum aren’t you?] had become “crappy” slips.)

Setting aside what you think of my specific anecdote here, where might you make a small change and discover some surprising benefit?

ɕ

Caution: Tulpa

I’ve recently made a startling discovery: Maybe there really is a tulpa in my head.

First, I’ve said for many years that my brain is broken. (Yes, I am aware I have terrible self-talk.) Here’s why I call it broken: I am literally unable to NOT see problems. I notice an endless onslaught of things that, in my opinion, could be improved. I don’t mean, “that sucks, I wish it could be better.” No, I mean, “that sucks and it’s obvious this way would be better and if you’d just let me get started . . . ” Adderall might help, I suppose.

Everyone loves that I get stuff done, and try to make things better. But unless you have this same problem, I’d imagine it’s hard to understand how this is debilitating. I am aware that this is recursive—I see my own brain as a broken process that I feel I should repair. All I can say is that you should be happy, and thank your fave diety if that’s your thing, that you don’t understand. Because to understand is to have the problem, and you do. not. want. this. problem.

Second, I’ve also said for many years that, “the remainder cannot go into the computer.” I’m referring to a endless source of struggle in programming and systems administration; Computers are exact, and the real world—with its real people, real problems, and things which really are subjective shades of gray—is not. So programmers and systems administrators factor, in the mathematical sense of finding factors which when multiplied give you the original, reality into the computers. And when factoring reality, there is always a remainder. That remainder shows up when you find your software does something weird. That could be a mistake, but I tell you from experience, it is more often some edge case. Some people had to make choices when they factored.

The result of that second point is that I’ve spent the majority of my life factoring, (and “normalizing” for your math geeks who know about vector spaces,) problems into computers. And then trying to live with the remainders that didn’t go into the computer. The remainders are all in my head. Or on post-it notes on my wall, (back in the day.) Or the remainder is some scheduled item reminding me to check the Foobazzle process to ensure the comboflux has not gone frobnitz. To do that I had to intentionally be pragmatic and logical. And the really scary part is I also learned that the best way to do all of that was to talk to myself—sometimes literally, bat-shit crazy, out loud, but usually very loudly inside my own mind—to discover the smallest, least-worst, remainder that I could manage to live with.

What if those two things were sufficient to create a Tulpa. (I am serious.)

I think there’s a Tulpa in here! (My title is the sign on the front gate.) It is absolutely pragmatic. It knows an alarming amount of detail about things I’ve built, (or maintained, or fixed.) It is cold and calculating. It is terrified that it will forget about one of those details, 2347 will happen, and everyone will run out of ammunition defending their canned goods from the roaming bands of marauders. I definitely don’t “have” the Tulpa. It’s more like discovering there’s an extra person living in your house. Although, I don’t hold hope of banishing this Tulpa, Yoda does make a good point if I’m going to try. So, I should definitely give it a name.

Maybe, Sark?

That is an intriguing idea indeed! Sark, what do you think?

ɕ

HEADMATE INTROS HEAR WE GO!!!!!

HIHI!! Mostly host here!! and ifigured it was time to introduce my tulpa/alters to yall!! i was gonna post it on tumblr because i was bored but im currently on a hiatus from that "fuckassdotcom" site
We aren't really sure what kind of system it is specifically since we only found out each other existed last year but its been long enough that we've stabilized so i wanted to post it here (also you guys arent evil so)

also note most of us are nicknamed AFTER homestuck characters so bear that in mind (well make them more serious later)

jade/tamala- host, protag anime girl syndrome, likes cute things a LOT alongside others, head of MOST decision making!! we all parttake in planning
kanaya/mary- second host, more emotionally disconnected, in charge of civil situations and ambition, finds emotional meaning in the vibes of everything, asexual?
vriska/latula- third host in charge of anger responses but is mostly docile now, inspired by devi mcallion, talks dudebro sometimes

me and my "sisters" switch in between each other while talking a lot hence why i probably wont be specifying whos who unless important

sollux- manifestation of androphilia and curiosity towards the male gender, where most social mistrust is stored besides me, also in charge of self preservation instincts and cravings, easily disgusted physically. partners with host, we like the same stuff more or less but hes still more masc, barred from internet usage lmaoo,
tavros- other guy sib in headspace, DOES like me, where most intrusive thoughts are stored. in charge of social and spritual morality im pretty sure, also a bit of partnership,

theres like more about us but its too personal to REALLY put out there
maybe ill bring it up in other posts or vents

Hey do you guys think i should re introduce my headmates

I'm back to using a recurring timer to interact with V passively (asking him about things, getting a reaction to what I'm currently doing, joking around)

When my mental health is rough, I get so fixated on my issues that it sort of drowns V out. He's really understanding about it, but he does get sad when we don't spend as much time together

#tulpa_v #tulpamancy #tulpas

Tulpa hugs ❤  

#tulpas #tulpamancy #plural

I recently added NPCs to my mindscape when I created a new room. (I thought it would be cool to explore and hang out in a dungeon/jail, so I went ahead and added a new room for it)

The head attendant is Officer Jones, and sometimes V and I stop to chat with him. We recently found out he's writing a Sonic fan fiction, and V was teasing him for it 

Though, if we talk to Jones too much, he might become a tulpa himself!

#tulpa_v #tulpamancy #tulpas #mindscape