I did an excellent job of surviving this year.

And finally started enjoying survival again.

#Recovery2025 #NewYear

My IBS has been worse lately in spite of the best pacing and stress-reduction I've had in years.

I guess it's time for another round of serious meditation.

Sigh.

#MECFS #Recovery2025

A really good week for me.

I still have high-pain days, which makes it hard to believe sometimes that I'm healing.

But the signs of improvement are unmistakable. I'm really only a couple of weeks in to having a sustainable amount of work and pressure, where I can pace myself at leisure, where I'm not having to force myself through pain and exhaustion multiple times a day, even through things as small as making lunch.

Even though my pain yesterday ranged between 4-8, and I had "pain-fog" (it's brain fog due to hurting too much to focus on anything else), my emotional outlook remained at peak, and I worked for what to is me a full day (2.5 hours). In fact, I clocked almost ten hours this week, and ten hours hasn't been a realistic goal for most of the year. (Eight hours had become my strettttcccch goal!) Some of that was even being alert on a long, important call where I was the driver of the conversation.

So I'm still getting fatigue and pain, but my capacity has increased. I'm doing well on the self-restraint of not taking on too much, or thinking "Oh, I can push myself to do one more thing," or even pushing too hard on my recreational activities.

The "push myself on one more thing" was necessary, because the load was larger than my capacity. So I had to work in whatever I could while capable. Which was not sustainable. Being "capable" is not the same as avoiding fresh injury, and that's not the same as space to heal. I've had to work hard to carve that out.

#MECFS #PEM #Pacing #Recovery2025

I actually feel really grateful to be living in a trailer. I ended up here from desperation, but I wanted this.

There are really only a few things I miss that can't practically be added.

I do miss having my own shower. (I use the one in the adjacent house once a week, and it's kind of janky and I have to coordinate its use.) I haven't had my own shower in many years, and daily showers were once my indispensable touchstone routine. While I don't think I'll ever want to go back to daily, I would like one of my own, with room to move, and very hot water.

There are a few storage options that would be nice, and I miss having a full library. The condensation issues are annoying but I'm getting them solved. I think there have been a couple of other smaller things I miss.

But I don't miss running water or sewer. I've worked out a system that works pretty well, and since I hate having wet hands, it actually makes cooking easier / less unpleasant.

I thought I'd hate the small fridge (with two people using it who have differently dietary needs.) But it's good to be mindful of what's in there and be pressured into using everything before it expires, (there's no trash service either, and I have to be careful to not attract grizzly bears).

A lot of things are extra fiddly, but once I work out a system, they're all doable.

I like being in the smaller space. I like that it's my own home I can modify as I please, but without a mortgage or super huge risk/responsibility. I like being so very close to nature. I like using less. (I've simultaneously cut back on things like single use plastics and tissues.) I like the way it pushes me just a little, like how I *have* to go outside at least once per day, snow or shine, to empty the pee bottle.

I've got things set up really nicely, with further plans. I'm really clever at practical design, so things are warm, cozy, and mostly convenient.

#RVLife #OffGrid #Solarpunk #rewilding #decolonization #Recovery2025

Everybody was really impressed with me on an important call today.

I can be pretty fire when I'm not super sick and exhausted all the time. I have skills and laurels now that I didn't have in my previous life when I was well.

I just need the spaciousness to use them.

I've had some spaciousness the last week.

#Recovery2025 #DarkSojourn