The “Chest Pain” Phase of a Crush

Listen, we’ve all been there. You’re living your life, minding your own business, hydrated, moisturized, and mentally stable. Then, out of nowhere, you lock eyes with someone, or they make one specific joke, and suddenly your internal GPS reroutes you directly into The Danger Zone.

I saw a quote the other day that said: “Once I like you, everything u do hurt my chest.” I have never felt more seen, more attacked, and more medically concerned for my own well-being in my entire life. Why is it that the moment you develop feelings for someone, your heart decides it’s no longer a vital organ and starts acting like a dramatic Victorian lead in a silent film?

It’s not a heart attack (usually), but it feels suspiciously like your ribs are suddenly two sizes too small. It’s that weird, fluttery, slightly suffocating sensation that happens when you’re in deep. Here is how it usually manifests for me:

• The “Double Blue Check” Palpitations: You send a risky text. You see they’ve read it. The three dots appear… then disappear. Then appear again. My chest isn’t just hurting at this point; it’s performing a drum solo for an audience of none.

• The “They Breathed Near Me” Spasm: They could literally just be standing in the same room, exhaling oxygen like a normal human being, and I’m over here trying to remember how to use my lungs. Oh, you use oxygen too? We have so much in common. Why does my sternum feel like it’s being sat on by an elephant?

• The Social Media Investigation Aches: You see them post a story. It’s a blurry photo of a pizza. Why am I clutching my heart? Why is this pepperoni causing me physical distress? Is that a thumb in the corner of the frame? WHOSE THUMB IS THAT, KEVIN?

I’ve come to the conclusion that “liking someone” is actually just a socially acceptable form of mild insanity. When you don’t care about someone, they can trip over a rug and you’ll think, “Ooh, hope they’re okay.” But when you like them? They trip over a rug and your heart does a backflip, your stomach drops, and you feel a sharp pain in your chest because they’re so cute and clumsy and you want to buy them a helmet but also marry them. It makes no sense.

Tip: If you find yourself clutching your chest because they liked your Instagram post from three weeks ago, please drink a glass of water and put your phone in another room. You are spiraling, bestie. We are spiraling together.

The worst part is that once you’re in this phase, everything is a sign.

• They used an emoji? Chest pain. * They didn’t use an emoji? Severe chest pain. * They said “See ya later” instead of “Bye”? Call 911, I’m clearly being proposed to.

It’s exhausting! I miss the days when I could see a person and just think, “That is a person with a face.” Now, I see a person and my ribcage feels like a birdcage that’s too small for the bird.

So, if you see me out in public looking like I’m having a mild medical emergency while staring intensely at my phone or a specific person across the room—mind your business. I’m just “liking” someone. It’s a very painful, very ridiculous hobby, but someone’s gotta do it.

Does anyone else feel like their heart is trying to exit their body the second a crush enters the room, or do I need to see a doctor and a therapist simultaneously? Let’s discuss in the comments (if my chest stops hurting long enough for me to type).

Still suffering after a positive covid-19 rapid test on 9 October (more than 4 weeks ago).

The #cough has eased thankfully, but #headache near constantly, #BrainFog all the time, #HeartPalpitations making me uncomfortable, and never-ending #fatigue

Having #cardiology investigations over the next couple weeks, though specialist doesn't seem overly concerned.

The rest is apparently just to be expected and accepted. I'm still angry that I'm (even more) #disabled by this, and much of society says it's part of life. It didn't have to be. A few more masks and vaccinations in the community could have helped prevent this.