Lots of guilt

Today I was supposed to go out for a meal with some friends. This did not happen and it was all my fault.

Had I planned ahead, I might have timed when I took mediation so that I was likely to be fit and able at the right time. I did not do this. Instead, I let myself get into a lot of pain and then took medication. Thus 45 minutes after I was meant to arrive, I was woken up by a phone call wondering where I was.

Even though I apologised and know (in my head at least) that my friends would probably understand, I felt like a right arsehole. Then the FOMO kicked in too and I felt worse.

Not all that long after the phone call of my apologising, I felt like I could probably do some basic things. Like blogging, gaming, or whatever.

Did I do things? No. No, I did not. I felt that I was somehow not allowed to do things because I was supposed to be out eating food and being social.

I must have spent at least three hours doing task avoidance activities. By which I meant I watched a lot of random YouTube videos. I know why I was like that. I have a huge aversion to flakes – people who you cannot depend on because they could, without warning or notice, do things like bail out on me, reschedule, or otherwise fail to follow through. Today that flake was me. I don’t like that about myself.

I hold myself to a high standard on a few things. One of those is this: If I say I’m going to do it, you can hold me to that. Today, I fell short of that standard. It feels pretty rotten, I can tell you.

I feel like a bad friend. Not only that, I feel like I “owe” my friends for my failed commitment. I’ve been down this road before. I tend to overcommit to compensate.

I hope that no one tries to make plans today. I will want to say yes even if I don’t want to do that activity. I am also likely to want to say no on the grounds that agreeing to do stuff with other friends would feel like a double insult to the ones I let down. Any idea of making plans will likely leave me feeling conflicted AF.

TL;DR: I let my friends down and feel bad about it.

#FOMO #friends #goingOutside #guilt #pills #stayingInside #Life

https://mattsbigfatarse.com/life/lots-of-guilt/

Afghan women fear going out alone due to Taliban decrees on clothing and male guardians, UN says
https://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/uknews/afghan-women-fear-going-out-alone-due-to-taliban-decrees-on-clothing-and-male-guardians-un-says/ar-BB1ipZnI?cvid=37537429bebe4f47c4ebef0cbbde8d40&ocid=winp2fptaskbarhover&ei=6

#Afghanistan
#AfghanWomen
#Taliban
#ClothingLaws
#MaleGuardianship
#GoingOutside
#UN
#Work
#Travel
#Healthcare
#Mahram
#ViceAndVirtueMinistry
#MoralityPolice
#HumanRightsWatch

Time for a day in the hills me thinks

#Walking #hillwalking #goingoutside