There are certain tiny things that feel HUGELY disrespectful and even literally triggering to my PTSD but they are so small and NOBODY ELSE HAS A PROBLEM so I can't even explain to someone else why they make me feel so sick and despicable let alone get them to STOP DOING IT.
No one is going to give me a fucking serious answer because I'm a weak minded piece of shit according to the majority of the internet…
But do any other autistic people have this relationship with spice where it's like… I'm not a super champ but I do REALLY REALLY enjoy certain foods like tonight I got a street truck paneer dosa and I'm SO hungry and my mouth thinks it wants more?? But also a few bites is enough and I don't feel capable of eating more even though I'm HUNGRY and it TASTES REALLY GOOD? But I just… can't… eat… more…
Like my "flavor" intake is maxed out EVEN THOUGH IT'S DELICIOUS I just can't tolerate a lot AND EVEN THOUGH I'm still ravenous…
But even setting that up would require me to do the work of WAITING - keeping the emotion silent for now but also close enough to the surface that I can bring it out at a scheduled time… (which is really the whole goddamn problem with me dealing with ANY emotion and trying to access it for writing at certain times)… And that's almost harder than just slowly suffocating the pain myself.
OK I THINK I JUST HAD A BREAKTHROUGH.
I THINK THE REASON I STRUGGLE SO MUCH IS THAT ALL MY DARN SOFTWARES AND WEBSITES I USE LOG ME OFF SO FUCKING FREQUENTLY THAT EVERY TIME I'M READY TO USE IT I HAVE TO LOG BACK IN AND IT'S ONE MORE FUCKING MICRO-TASK BUT IT BREAKS THE CHAIN OF "I WAS READY TO DO THIS TASK IN THIS SOFTWARE" NEXT-STEP WORKING MEMORY. AND SO I JUST ZONE OUT "WHAT WAS I DOING?!?!" FOR SEVERAL MOMENTS EVERY SINGLE TIME.
harriehq
proedie
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