@spiegelmama
"Icy wind" often doesn't even begin to describe my feelings of social isolation and being stuck in "pre-adulthood life".

Cant find money freelancing anymore, cant find professional mental/life help to help me find+keep a job, lately I really just feel abandoned by everyone.
No irl friends since... school really. 😭

Often I wish I lived in some small town without cars and all this complicated technological/societal mess that's demanded of us.

#ActuallyAutistic #Non24 #ActuallyPDA

@intelgraphy Interesting article, def applies to me.

I've recently stumbled upon the hashtag #ActuallyPDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance) and I wouldn't be surprised if it's linked with a history of #trauma for #audhd adults.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pathological_demand_avoidance

"Internalized" is my flavor Unfortunately it's mostly talking about autistic kids

You might check out "Learned helplessness" which is something else I rly struggle with nowadays...
Hang in there ❤️

#autism #ActuallyAutistic #adhd #neurodiversity

Sigh. I’m definitely feeling this one right now.

I made the decision last year to leave the kindest, most generous person I’ve ever known. We still kept trying to make it work, but by February of this year I knew we couldn’t get to what we’d been trying unsuccessfully to achieve for almost 30 years.

Thursday of last week, they finally accepted that it was over.

I never wanted to hurt them, but us flailing around without adequate support (we didn’t know what support we needed) meant we laid down neural pathways which trigger us both still. And I can’t give them the sort of presence and companionship they want most.

The biggest aspect is the NT/ND divide. I’m #ActuallyAutistic (and #ActuallyPDA), and the double empathy problem played strongly into our struggles (and still does, although, and I say this with more self-awareness than ever, the lack of “understanding" was not mostly from me).

We tried to make me fit a mould – I couldn’t.

However, I did change because of their example – they are the model for my behaviour in kindness and giving. Their acceptance of my children (and even their half-siblings who I wasn’t the parent of) allowed me to accept those half-siblings effectively as my own children (none of them speak to their shared parent).

Unfortunately, my now-ex feels abandoned by my family. My oldest child has not really spoken to us for 3 or so years (I think because we didn’t know how much more support they all needed than we provided to them), and my other child isn’t skilled at reaching out – in fact, the half-sibs also don’t proactively reach out to us, even though they’re warm and consider us parents.

My ex is grieving the loss of our relationship, and feels hurt and angry I’m not trying to make it work. But I just can’t do it. As I said this week to them, I have no capacity for togetherness with anyone as I sort my shit out.

I’m in my late 50’s, they’re in their early 60’s. I don’t feel like I need a partner but they do, so that sense of “limited time left” is also playing on their mind.

But that’s not a reason for me to stay in a relationship which had been crushing me for 30 years. And it wasn’t malicious, or manipulative, or anything else. They deserve a partner exactly on the terms they wish as there’s nothing unreason able about it.

And lastly, financially, this decision is damaging for us both on several fronts. The home we bought together and made how we wanted is at risk, and I won’t ever be able to buy again, and it’s uncertain they will be able to.

First world problem, I know, but it’s still difficult.

I do feel things could have been different if we had our present support and insight 25 years ago.

Hindsight is, indeed, often 20/20 vision.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/oct/31/break-up-kind-generous-man-leaves-me-feeling-cold-irritated

I’m still struggling with PDA, especially as I approach the end of my work contract in early July (two weeks tomorrow – umm...huzzah?).

I have so much handover/finalisation stuff to do, I feel like I can’t complete, so why bother moving forward at all?

I feel like I’ve already failed enough that failing less feels like a waste of effort.

I’ve recently realised how much of a mistake it was for me to embark on the computer consultancy path a friend and my erstwife convinced me to do in 1997.

Before that, I had cruised in low-demand jobs in which my PDA was not a problem. I just was able to do what was asked of me in the timeframes needed, but it wasn’t a stress. I fed, housed, and clothed myself.

20+ years of “running” my own business, and the subsequent 7 years in the industry I’m currently in and I’ve been painted into a corner of demands and financial costs.

I feel trapped, a failure, uncertain...all because I’ve not been managing my capability vs my capacity for almost 30 years (not that I understood what was going on for the last 55 years!).

Fuck knows what’s next.

#ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyPDA

For those playing along at home, here’s how I assess myself at meeting the stated needs of my SO as these things have been expressed to me:

Being inquisitive 10%
Shared space 10-20%
Not needing to be micromanaged 20%
Emotional engagement 30%
Verbal expressions of affection 30%
Engagement in activities 30%
Not getting defensive 30%
Engaging in conversation 30%
Physical displays of affection 40%
Remaining open to dialogue 60%
Housework 80%
Practical help 90%

Note that these concepts are scored according to their definition of what those traits entail (e.g. I’m very inquisitive, but don’t ask them many questions, I tend to be led through conversations we have).

Also note, this is not meant to be judgmental of them asking for these things - they have every right to want them in a relationship and ask for them.

I’m feeling right now that I’m incapable of meeting their needs to a viable level to maintain the relationship, and I have no idea when I might be in a position to meet those needs to a viable level.

At the same time, I feel like I’m not meeting some of my needs (time/space alone to work through childhood trauma pushed down for 50+ years, for one), and because I’m a DAPP*, I find it hard to give myself the space and time I feel I need when I’m in a "living together" arrangement.

If I were to rate my suitability for being in a long-term, living-together relationship right now, I’d probably put it at about 20%.

Let’s see what their psych says when we have a joint session with them tomorrow - I’ll likely be reminded of several other things to add to the above list before then.

An “interesting" 20 hours ahead 😳

#ActuallyAutistic #DoubleEmpathy #ActuallyPDA

*https://zaxxon.bot/objects/gTq7klMKIoI

Some of them sound familiar…

https://zaxxon.bot/objects/H57e5HhVPUw

#PDALife #ActuallyAutistic #ActuallyPDA #DemandAvoidant
https://eldritch.cafe/@sinituulia/113311172763538107