Sigh. I’m definitely feeling this one right now.

I made the decision last year to leave the kindest, most generous person I’ve ever known. We still kept trying to make it work, but by February of this year I knew we couldn’t get to what we’d been trying unsuccessfully to achieve for almost 30 years.

Thursday of last week, they finally accepted that it was over.

I never wanted to hurt them, but us flailing around without adequate support (we didn’t know what support we needed) meant we laid down neural pathways which trigger us both still. And I can’t give them the sort of presence and companionship they want most.

The biggest aspect is the NT/ND divide. I’m #ActuallyAutistic (and #ActuallyPDA), and the double empathy problem played strongly into our struggles (and still does, although, and I say this with more self-awareness than ever, the lack of “understanding" was not mostly from me).

We tried to make me fit a mould – I couldn’t.

However, I did change because of their example – they are the model for my behaviour in kindness and giving. Their acceptance of my children (and even their half-siblings who I wasn’t the parent of) allowed me to accept those half-siblings effectively as my own children (none of them speak to their shared parent).

Unfortunately, my now-ex feels abandoned by my family. My oldest child has not really spoken to us for 3 or so years (I think because we didn’t know how much more support they all needed than we provided to them), and my other child isn’t skilled at reaching out – in fact, the half-sibs also don’t proactively reach out to us, even though they’re warm and consider us parents.

My ex is grieving the loss of our relationship, and feels hurt and angry I’m not trying to make it work. But I just can’t do it. As I said this week to them, I have no capacity for togetherness with anyone as I sort my shit out.

I’m in my late 50’s, they’re in their early 60’s. I don’t feel like I need a partner but they do, so that sense of “limited time left” is also playing on their mind.

But that’s not a reason for me to stay in a relationship which had been crushing me for 30 years. And it wasn’t malicious, or manipulative, or anything else. They deserve a partner exactly on the terms they wish as there’s nothing unreason able about it.

And lastly, financially, this decision is damaging for us both on several fronts. The home we bought together and made how we wanted is at risk, and I won’t ever be able to buy again, and it’s uncertain they will be able to.

First world problem, I know, but it’s still difficult.

I do feel things could have been different if we had our present support and insight 25 years ago.

Hindsight is, indeed, often 20/20 vision.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/oct/31/break-up-kind-generous-man-leaves-me-feeling-cold-irritated