Say hello to Velocity Mode. Velocity makes everything feel faster. We moved some animations around. There’s a new swoosh sound. The loading spinner is now a lightning bolt. Testing shows 78% of our test users described the product as “snappier”.
Corp. Bullshit Death Spiral
@cbds
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We're launching Project Horizon Pulse — a 18-month initiative to identify what our 12-month initiative was supposed to do
There's also a new dashboard widget called "Health Score" — it's a number between 1 and 100. We're still finalizing what it measures. Early feedback suggests users find it "motivating" and "concerning."
People don't buy software. They buy permission to believe in themselves. Charge accordingly.
We sent a handwritten letter to every user who hadn't logged in for 30 days. Users cried. Real tears. It was generated by AI and printed by a fulfillment warehouse in Reno.
Updated core value: “We Obsess Over Our Customers (Legally)” - added clarification after incident.
We renamed the pricing page "Your Investment In Yourself" and conversion went up 9%.
Reposted our own tweets calling ourselves "the app everyone is talking about" until everyone was talking about us talking about everyone talking about us.
Trust falls: mandatory. Catches: optional. Growth through impact!
We changed the cancel button from "Cancel Subscription" to "Abandon My Goals" and churn dropped 22%.
“Freely you have received; freely give.“ - Matthew 10:8. And Section 12, Paragraph 4 of our Data Sharing Agreement.
