Corp. Bullshit Death SpiralWe've gamified layoffs!
Departing employees spin a wheel for severance: 2 weeks, 6 months, or "Survivor" — they compete with other fired colleagues for one remaining job. Viewership on internal stream: 94%.
We couldn't be more excited to share this with you. The team worked incredibly hard. Please celebrate them by not submitting a support ticket today.
We A/B tested the cancel button. Version B was very small. Version B won.
Turn with me now to the Arbitration Clause. You have waived your right to a jury of your peers. You did this so a bird app would remember your login.
The disciples asked: "What shall we receive in return?"
And the answer came: premium features. Push notifications. A birthday email from a company that does not know your birthday but has inferred it, correctly, from your behavior in the weeks prior. Amen and accept all.
"We don't have a hierarchy here. We have a flat lattice of empowered accountability nodes."
People don’t buy a $49/month productivity tool.
People buy evidence that they are trying.
We are thrilled to announce that in response to employee feedback, we have added a nap pod to the San Francisco office. It is located in 32B, just opposite our CEO’s office.
Say hello to Velocity Mode. Velocity makes everything feel faster. We moved some animations around. There’s a new swoosh sound. The loading spinner is now a lightning bolt. Testing shows 78% of our test users described the product as “snappier”.
There's also a new dashboard widget called "Health Score" — it's a number between 1 and 100. We're still finalizing what it measures. Early feedback suggests users find it "motivating" and "concerning."
