Mastodawn

Bumper Harvest 1d ago

im gonna put a poll below this lol

edit: so this has got way more attention than the usual 7 or so responses I generally get on polls (and it keeps going) and for that I'm going to mute the thread for a bit. It's getting a bit overwhelming.

If you're someone who had parents, that while not perfect, at least tried, I genuinely hope you appreciate how luck you are, and cherish that.

Those of you who did not, and found yourselves checkinging multiple options, I just want to let you know you're seen and heard, even if I havent responded to every comment, I have read them. Your experiences were valid, and no amount of gaslighting will ever take away your truth. I hope you all find, or have found, the path towards healing, however that may look for you.

multiple choice for those of us who were multi-talented

	tomboy
	sensitive
	mature
	quiet
	self-sufficient
	lazy

Poll ends at Jun 14 at 3:08am.

verified_transgender

@MelkyWay accidentally clicked one more than intended and it didn't go away when clicking it again for some reason, whoops

Hugs4friends ♾🇺🇦 🇵🇸😷1d ago

@MelkyWay Tomboy, in my case, is autigender.🙂

eestileib (she/hers)1d ago

@Tooden @MelkyWay

Yeah I turned into a tomboy

@MelkyWay "Quiet."

I'm in this photo and don't like it.

Lydia Vvinters 1d ago

@MelkyWay Interesting list. In my parental generation (baby boomers) there was such a strong believe that recognising the deeper aspects of these complications would make them more real. And there still was significantly more stigma on mental health that was assumed to mean the youngster in question would have no future if it was called out. So, every single problem was downplayed. Including their own. It was not so much negligence, as more of a cultural/generational problem.

The Great Llama

@HeliaXyana @MelkyWay
Yep. I had a conversation with my boomer father about me being autistic and ran headlong into a solid wall of denial. I didn't push since there's no point... He can be pretty stubborn when he digs his heels in (probably wouldn't be helpful to point out to him that it can be hereditary 😆).

Lydia Vvinters 1d ago

@TheGreatLlama @MelkyWay

I so recognize that! I tried explaining my chronic depression to my secretly very chronically depressed father, but that didn’t go anywhere.

In hindsight, I wish I had pushed a bit harder. Since the main approach to deal with that as a big strong boomer man was alcoholism. Which is ultimately how we lost him. Sometimes I wonder how many boomers/ parent we lost to that path of denying mental health complications, leading to alcoholism, leading to cancer.

The Great Llama

@HeliaXyana @MelkyWay
That's definitely a shame.

My dad is still with us and he's doing well for 80. He's still active and fairly sharp, and retirement has helped his state of mind immensely. He married a nurse around 20 years ago and she is one of the most patient and caring people I've ever known, so I don't worry much about him.

He wasn't a bad father by any means, just has some blind spots that would be familiar to anyone who knows boomers.

Lydia Vvinters 1d ago

@TheGreatLlama @MelkyWay

Ah, yes, my father was a sweetheart. Drinking just made him a bit of a poetic philosopher. And precisely, it's an issue of blind spots. Not that there aren't any boomers guilty of neglecting their children, of course, but I think this list is very recognizable because of that reluctance to recognize more profound issues. That disproportionate fear of somehow indulging an issue.

Bumper Harvest 1d ago

@HeliaXyana At the end of the day, it's negligence. My parents are/were boomers and I got the whole "we didnt know better at the time" too. And the cultural and generational excuses too.
But their parentng style never changed even when it didnt work.

it's negligence and shitty parenting from a generation of narcississts and I wont make excuses for it.

Lydia Vvinters 1d ago

Ah, good point. The fact that we know where the attitude came from doesn't excuse how an entire generation stubbornly kept turning a blind eye to some significant suffering in their children and even themselves.

I never understood the "We didn't know better" argument. It's not like they were trying anything else. Plan A was 'ignore it all', and they never looked beyond that.

Sorry if it seemed like I was making excuses. Perhaps I was... My parents were lovely people, and their attitude was far from intentionally malicious, but now that I think about it, negligence might be the apt word regardless.

Bumper Harvest 1d ago

Sorry if it seemed like I was making excuses.

Ah no, it's good. I didn't mean to be so snappy in response. It is fair to say not all boomer parents were the worst, and plenty of kids had parents that despite the generational trends were more 'passive' about it, I guess I want to say.

doesn't excuse how an entire generation stubbornly kept turning a blind eye to some significant suffering in their children and even themselves

I don't want to compare raising children to animals because it is so much more complex, but I do think about how I randomly ended up with a goat I knew nothing about one day, and since then it has been 8 months of consistently educating myself to be more excellent at goat husbandry, because not doing so would be animal abuse. And no one would argue that.
Parents will make mistakes, sure. That's understandable. But the Boomer seem to have a trend of just sticking with their methods even when it clearly wasn't working. You had parents who were lovely, but unwilling to buck the system, which while not abusive could arguably be called negligent to your needs. My parents on the other hand, went all in on the Boomer Iron Fist mentality

Lydia Vvinters 1d ago

Ha! I love the idea of randomly ending up with a goat. That, to me, is a clear indicator that you're doing something right in life. 😄

And I totally get the analogy. If your new goat buddy stayed unhappy despite you doing all you know to be best for the animal (even if that's something silly like feeding it skittles), you take action, research, try things. And even if there is no more information to find, you'd just keep trying things. Pie, purple hat, jazz music? It would be odd to keep feeding it skittles just because that's the plan-A norm.

Perhaps my reaction stems from all those boomers who considered my parent too kind. All those who kept telling me "If I was your mother.. bla bla bla."
It had me screaming, "If you were my mother, I would have jumped at 14!" at my aunt. Which thoroughly solidified my hard-earned title of the family black sheep. Luckily, I'm goth, so it suits me.

Sorry to hear your parent were so devoted to such a typical, unrelenting mentality.

Willow (she/her)22h ago

@HeliaXyana @MelkyWay chiming in to agree with all of this.

Before I cut them out of my life I had a convo with my biologicals about the whole "we didn't know better" thing and I pushed back with...

Sure you didn't then but now I as an adult am calling these things to your attention. We can't change the past, can we work on the future?

The response I got was that it was my fault and I needed to repent of my willfulness.

Lydia Vvinters 22h ago

@MsHearthWitch @MelkyWay

Stars, that is horrible. So sorry you had to go through that.

Initially, my parents reacted like I was attacking them, and blaming them. And while, yes, as we discussed here, some neglect was involved, I just wanted to move on. I deeply internalized those reactions that happened during my childhood, and needed to understand it more in order to signal some detrimental cognitive behaviour I now still have. It took a long time to really be able to talk about such things with them.

All in all, it's no wonder that subsequent generations have put more focus on mental health.

Willow (she/her)22h ago

@HeliaXyana @MelkyWay Yeah I was unlucky enough for the unholy trinity of boomer parents, hyper fundie religious family, and then I got a blackout on the poll lmao.

It really does not surprise me that since then there's been a lot more conversations and focus on mental health. Nor that many of my generation are low/no contact with parents that refuse to learn and grow.

bees and nature 23h ago

@HeliaXyana @MelkyWay still a problem today

@MelkyWay Do I get a cookie if I check all of the above?

Bumper Harvest 1d ago

@luce yes, but the cookie is poor mental health

TheShellyTea 1d ago

@MelkyWay 5/6, I feel like I won the sad prize 🫠

@MelkyWay There should be another choice with all of them for the tired people that have to check off each one

ジギーくん 1d ago

@MelkyWay Reverse tomboy in my case.

@MelkyWay feels a little silly to check all of these besides tomboy, especially given I probably would've been labelled one if that was a category that would have made sense at the time

Luck Goddess 🌒🌕🌘 (They/She)1d ago

@MelkyWay this is really making me feel my privilege (I don’t think I’ve ever been called any of these? but my friends also know that I had over-average supportive parents)

@follpvosten @MelkyWay i think most of that would be more school related? my parents and id assume the more common experience would be that they directly shit on you and never praise you

devils 🔞1d ago

@MelkyWay The way I clicked all of these

Halla Rempt 23h ago

@tiger @MelkyWay I couldn't click tomboy. People would have been ecstatic if I were more into boy stuff, like sports.

Bumper Harvest 23h ago

@halla @tiger i think if you just got called the f-slur or somsthing similar instead, it counts

Halla Rempt 23h ago

@MelkyWay @tiger ah... well, too late to get a perfect score now.

Crazypedia won't Comply 🧿23h ago

@MelkyWay I did an angry laugh

🔥Cassandra🔥23h ago

@MelkyWay Everything but lazy. 🎉

(Edit: tone: the 🎉 is a sarcastic comment, as in "woo, trauma collection!" It isn't a comment about laziness, which I agree with Dr. Devon Price is a term that gets thrown at people unfairly.)

Sanake Kian 23h ago

@MelkyWay Misclicked and forgot to check off "lazy", so add an extra vote for that.

A-nom-nom-nom-aly BSC SSC 22h ago

all of them except 'tomboy' because A: I am a boy... B: Not gay.

Kelly's Shenanigans 🇨🇦22h ago

@MelkyWay i'm 5/6! I have never been called lazy. Working myself to burn out was how I proved myself to be worth employing/befriending/not punishing. I no longer speak to my parents.

fluffy 💜20h ago

@Kellyshenanigans @MelkyWay I worked myself to burnout to please the adults around me and then became "lazy" when I couldn't do it any longer

@MelkyWay sonsitive, self sufficient and lazy are/were kinda my vibe.

Daisy 🪺🔪📚22h ago

@MelkyWay Sensitive, mature, lazy tomboy checking in.

My mom genuinely did her best I think, but she was raised by deeply conservative and elderly parents and had traumas from her childhood that she hadn't acknowledged or dealt with, and my father was very abusive to her, and her way of coping was to just keep pushing and pushing and pushing forward, never slow down, never self-reflect, never let the bad things catch up to her, and she did try to pass that mentality along to me. She has made huge strides and gotten better as she's gotten older. Unfortunately the damage is already done.

It's validating to see so many other people talking about similar experiences, though. Sad, but validating.

Bumper Harvest 22h ago

traumas from her childhood that she hadn't acknowledged or dealt with

this part right here! as an adult, it was so much easier to look back and see that my parents were terribly unhealed people.
It's healing to see so many milennial parents out there trying so hard to finally break these cycles and refusing to pass their trauma down.

It's validating to see so many other people talking about similar experiences, though. Sad, but validating.

same, friend. I half want to mute this because it's a little overwhelming right now, and I did not expect it to blow up like it did at all. There is comfort in knowing we weren't suffering alone, and I hope the people in this thread have been able to find peace and the neccessary therapy and/or coping mechanisms, because this crap is not easy, if at all possible, to recover from.

@MelkyWay [Granpa Simpson voice]

Ooh, I got a bingo! What do I win?

@MelkyWay do i get a prize for hitting all 6? feeling like an extremely talented guy over here

fluffy 💜20h ago

@trashguts @MelkyWay saaaaame

Alien software, human hardware 18h ago

@MelkyWay hmm. I wonder if you can point from different selections to different neurodivergence flavours.

pocket expert 🔞 on a break 🇳🇱➡️🇩🇪3h ago

@MelkyWay i am all of the above (maybe except for self-sufficient but that's because the diseases are too severe for me to be able to be fully self-sufficient), what do i win?

Chaotic Catboy 2h ago

@MelkyWay I see the "I couldn't click on everything because I'm a boy" replies and raise you "I clicked everything except the last 2 and I am also a boy"

@kittyboy77 @MelkyWay I clicked 1, 2, 3 and 5 and I'm a boy too. :)

MaddieM4 2h ago

@MelkyWay perfect score 😎🤘