Mastodawn

im gonna put a poll below this lol

edit: so this has got way more attention than the usual 7 or so responses I generally get on polls (and it keeps going) and for that I'm going to mute the thread for a bit. It's getting a bit overwhelming.

If you're someone who had parents, that while not perfect, at least tried, I genuinely hope you appreciate how luck you are, and cherish that.

Those of you who did not, and found yourselves checkinging multiple options, I just want to let you know you're seen and heard, even if I havent responded to every comment, I have read them. Your experiences were valid, and no amount of gaslighting will ever take away your truth. I hope you all find, or have found, the path towards healing, however that may look for you.

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Bumper Harvest 2d ago

multiple choice for those of us who were multi-talented

	tomboy
	sensitive
	mature
	quiet
	self-sufficient
	lazy

Poll ends at Jun 14 at 3:08am.

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Lydia Vvinters 1d ago

@MelkyWay Interesting list. In my parental generation (baby boomers) there was such a strong believe that recognising the deeper aspects of these complications would make them more real. And there still was significantly more stigma on mental health that was assumed to mean the youngster in question would have no future if it was called out. So, every single problem was downplayed. Including their own. It was not so much negligence, as more of a cultural/generational problem.

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Bumper Harvest 1d ago

@HeliaXyana At the end of the day, it's negligence. My parents are/were boomers and I got the whole "we didnt know better at the time" too. And the cultural and generational excuses too.
But their parentng style never changed even when it didnt work.

it's negligence and shitty parenting from a generation of narcississts and I wont make excuses for it.

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Lydia Vvinters 1d ago

@MelkyWay

Ah, good point. The fact that we know where the attitude came from doesn't excuse how an entire generation stubbornly kept turning a blind eye to some significant suffering in their children and even themselves.

I never understood the "We didn't know better" argument. It's not like they were trying anything else. Plan A was 'ignore it all', and they never looked beyond that.

Sorry if it seemed like I was making excuses. Perhaps I was... My parents were lovely people, and their attitude was far from intentionally malicious, but now that I think about it, negligence might be the apt word regardless.

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Bumper Harvest 1d ago

@HeliaXyana

Sorry if it seemed like I was making excuses.

Ah no, it's good. I didn't mean to be so snappy in response. It is fair to say not all boomer parents were the worst, and plenty of kids had parents that despite the generational trends were more 'passive' about it, I guess I want to say.

doesn't excuse how an entire generation stubbornly kept turning a blind eye to some significant suffering in their children and even themselves

I don't want to compare raising children to animals because it is so much more complex, but I do think about how I randomly ended up with a goat I knew nothing about one day, and since then it has been 8 months of consistently educating myself to be more excellent at goat husbandry, because not doing so would be animal abuse. And no one would argue that.
Parents will make mistakes, sure. That's understandable. But the Boomer seem to have a trend of just sticking with their methods even when it clearly wasn't working. You had parents who were lovely, but unwilling to buck the system, which while not abusive could arguably be called negligent to your needs. My parents on the other hand, went all in on the Boomer Iron Fist mentality

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Lydia Vvinters 1d ago

@MelkyWay

Ha! I love the idea of randomly ending up with a goat. That, to me, is a clear indicator that you're doing something right in life. 😄

And I totally get the analogy. If your new goat buddy stayed unhappy despite you doing all you know to be best for the animal (even if that's something silly like feeding it skittles), you take action, research, try things. And even if there is no more information to find, you'd just keep trying things. Pie, purple hat, jazz music? It would be odd to keep feeding it skittles just because that's the plan-A norm.

Perhaps my reaction stems from all those boomers who considered my parent too kind. All those who kept telling me "If I was your mother.. bla bla bla."
It had me screaming, "If you were my mother, I would have jumped at 14!" at my aunt. Which thoroughly solidified my hard-earned title of the family black sheep. Luckily, I'm goth, so it suits me.

Sorry to hear your parent were so devoted to such a typical, unrelenting mentality.

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Willow (she/her)

@HeliaXyana @MelkyWay chiming in to agree with all of this.

Before I cut them out of my life I had a convo with my biologicals about the whole "we didn't know better" thing and I pushed back with...

Sure you didn't then but now I as an adult am calling these things to your attention. We can't change the past, can we work on the future?

The response I got was that it was my fault and I needed to repent of my willfulness.

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Lydia Vvinters 1d ago

@MsHearthWitch @MelkyWay

Stars, that is horrible. So sorry you had to go through that.

Initially, my parents reacted like I was attacking them, and blaming them. And while, yes, as we discussed here, some neglect was involved, I just wanted to move on. I deeply internalized those reactions that happened during my childhood, and needed to understand it more in order to signal some detrimental cognitive behaviour I now still have. It took a long time to really be able to talk about such things with them.

All in all, it's no wonder that subsequent generations have put more focus on mental health.

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Willow (she/her)1d ago

@HeliaXyana @MelkyWay Yeah I was unlucky enough for the unholy trinity of boomer parents, hyper fundie religious family, and then I got a blackout on the poll lmao.

It really does not surprise me that since then there's been a lot more conversations and focus on mental health. Nor that many of my generation are low/no contact with parents that refuse to learn and grow.