silence7FEMA Official Says He Teleported to Waffle House. Experts Are Dubious.
Smuuthbrane“FEMA official blacked out and came to at a Waffle House”
FTFY
blacked out and came to at a Waffle House
I have a proposal to add this to the Waffle House FAQs, if they have them.
Q: I teleported to Waffle House. Am I a god? Was I abducted by aliens? Am I the most important person in history?
A: While we cannot definitively rule out any of those things, every time this has happened in the past was due to the customer blacking out and going to the only place that was open at the time. In fact, this situation accounts for a large portion of our revenue. Don’t think of yourself as a pathetic brainless drunk loser. You’re an important part of the economy.
And for some reason it’s always right after twenty beers
It’s terrible what the aliens do to people after they scoop them up and before they teleport them back to Earth. There’s probes and prodding and general dubious medical practices. That’s probably what causes it. I’ve heard they use certain solvents to pacify people first though, so you might fail a breath test when you first return.
You actually have to be an expert to be dubious of this?
If yes, what kind of expert?
The kind of expert Waffle House hires or feeds:
among roughly two dozen workers and regulars interviewed this week at Rome’s three Waffle House locations, none said they were aware of anyone traveling to the 24-hour restaurants by paranormal means,
talThis statement looks like it came from a redacted document from FBC headquarters. What in the Remedyverse is this?
I suspect that this story is linked to the one below somehow…
Gregg Phillips, who is in charge of responding to fires and floods, says…
Well, I feel safe in knowing that my life and property is in secure and competent hands 🫤
dan1101
The Velour Fog I’m dubious, does that make me an expert? Can I start getting the expert checks?
No we’re not doing “experts are dubious.”
We’re at “society is sick of this shit go away asshole,” and have been for some time now.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Understatement
Understatement is an expression of lesser strength than what the speaker or writer actually means or than what is normally expected. It is the opposite of embellishment or exaggeration, and is used for emphasis, irony, hedging, or humor.
Understatement also merges the comic with the ironic, as in Mark Twain’s comment, “The report of my death was an exaggeration.”
Your average American is not intelligent enough to decipher the clever wordsmithing of the average journalist.
In an age where sensationalistic headlines are the norm, an understated headline can seem to lend credibility to the absurd.
This is not a problem, though. I enjoy eating popcorn and watching the world burn.
First, who the fuck is an expert on teleporting to Waffle House?
Second, why the fuck are the experts “dubious” instead of incredulous or openly condescending? JFC, c’mon experts, do better!
paraphrandTeleportation experts.
Generally speaking, wtf?!
Oh, come on. It’s late at night, you’re really craving some mouthwatering chicken-fried steak and syrup-drenched waffle. You find yourself falling deeper and deeper into the mental image, and then suddenly you feel the world twisting around you and a sharp dropping sensation and, bam, there you are, in a booth at Waffle House. We’ve all been there, at one point or another.
Sober‽
sp3ctr4lNo, but admitting you you’re an alcoholic is lame, whats cool is developing a cover story and the believing in it so hard that you genuinely believe, and espouse, for years, that a supernatural phenomenon has occured, and this this is really super serious guys come on why don’t you believe me?!?!?!
Teleporting to a WH? Easy breezy. No problem whatsoever. It’s the teleportation outta there that I have some difficulty with.
So… going with the bit here…
At what point does the SCP Foundation step in?
Because to me, this sounds like either a cousin or variant of SCP - 7819.
… Its Keter class… people are not supposed to know about this.