And for some reason it’s always right after twenty beers

It’s terrible what the aliens do to people after they scoop them up and before they teleport them back to Earth. There’s probes and prodding and general dubious medical practices. That’s probably what causes it. I’ve heard they use certain solvents to pacify people first though, so you might fail a breath test when you first return.

I haven’t teleported since this one time where I immediately got lost and had to ask a dragon for a ride home. I woke up naked on my neighbor’s porch with a tattered ribbon of red silk tied around my penis.