Can we put "how much time do you spend worrying if you are being misunderstood?" on the list of autism diagnostic questions?
Being misunderstood is my greatest fear in life, & I'm pretty sure autistic trauma is why.
"How often do you feel like you need to clarify things you say with very specific language?"
Here's a good one: "Do people often claim that you said something which you *definitely* did not say & get mad at you, even though you chose your language very specifically to try to make your meaning *abundantly* clear?"
"Do conversations with a single individual sometimes feel like a game of 'telephone' because the other person keeps incorrectly paraphrasing things you say?"
I have no idea how many hours of my life I have spent explaining to people that I didn't say the thing that they are saying that I did, but it's fucking stressful as hell.
Among other things, people seem to think all words with an overlapping semantic range are interchangeable, so you'll choose to use one that is specific to what you mean & then they substitute a different word with significantly different connotations & don't even seem to notice.
I wish I had known when I was younger that my brain was just working differently & more sensitively tuned to some things allistic people miss & less capable of picking up other things which allistic people do pay attention to.
It's fucking hard to be painfully sincere & honest & then despite your best efforts be accused of trying to manipulate a conversation.
It would have been nice to know it's not a character flaw.
@artemis I feel so seen right now!
I spend so much effort on choosing my words, and despite that I tend to follow almost everything I say with "Does that make sense?"
I probably ask that question at least 100 times a day. Just trying to fight this constant fear of being misunderstood...
@minego @artemis I donβt think we can ever really be understood. We are each in our own worlds of our makings and we are relating through a cloud, reaching out our hands.
Sometimes we find a hand and connect, but in the end itβs back to the fog with us. Focusing on understanding myself (still very wtf!) and relating from there has been helpful to feel more anchored. YMMV
You are completely correct in your observations.
Speaking as a mostly allistic with some ND traits, I hate being misunderstood, or worse, "accused" of saying that which I specifically did not.
The feeling is real.
Best I can offer in terms of explanation is that allistics use lossy compression all the time without realizing it.
Both their speech, yours, compression artifacts abound and compound with each turn of conversation.
It's assumed efficiency at a cost in accuracy.
I don't know where I fall. I think I'm an allistic but I'm definitely quirky so who knows?
But I do know how I process/ recall conversations/ altercations - if there is any emotion to it, that's what gets remembered. It's never the actual words - it's just "the feels". I have been aware of this for many years now and I still can't recall specific words/ phrases even if I try to remember them at the time. It is emotional fuzz for me.
So perhaps it is not that people are trying to be more efficient but simply that their emotions are getting in the way of accurate memory/ recall.
Of course if they don't recognize or abettor that possiblity, it doesn't really help anything but I'm sharing my thoughts and lived experience in the hope that it helps us all see/ reach each other better.
@artemis I feel like this is related to the "you're overthinking it" thing.
...but yeah, NT people seem to get weird around clarity.
@artemis This whole thread resonates with me. It's been my experience pretty much beat-for-beat. And then after it happens I get to hear the people who lashed out at me complain that I'm bad at communicating, when they're the ones who put zero effort into it.
In the time and place where we live, there is no such thing as an untraumatized autistic adult.
Then they'll say something that mean "yes, that was what I *said*, but it wasn't what I *meant*!"
And we're supposed to be the ones with communication difficulties...
@artemis All of this thread, all of the wounds we carry, all of the trauma.
But one relatively minor thing it reminded me of.
A time a friend remarked on not enjoying a movie that had come out some years ago.
We had seen it together in theaters.
So I was able to quote to him the more positive thing he had said at the time.
(He's cool, we've been friends 40 years, he believed me.)
Having a very uncanny valley moment reading this thread.
My answer to the first proposed diagnostic question in OP would be "Never, or near enough that can't recall ever having done." But then, my neurospice seems stubbornly determined not to align with common testimony as to the autistic experience, so that's not surprising.
Now, the second proposed question, the answer is "Often", but not for reasons of fear. Rather, for reasons of loneliness. Desperately trying to invite folk into a world they seem unable to perceive, let alone visit, this being the only world myself am able to inhabit. Perpetually just out of phase with those around me.
1/2
This is unpacked by your third proposed question. Specifically, my experience is not that folk misunderstand and get mad. It's that folk insist that myself am agreeing with them, and no amount of clarification will overcome their insistence that we're "saying the same thing".
My response to all this, increasingly, has been neologism. The problem not being significantly different connotations, but mutually exclusive denotations. The things myself am trying to communicate being things that typically folk do not have words for, instead resorting to floating and empty signifiers, meant to denote entirely different things, so as to rest comfortably in consensus through shibboleth.
A whole life thinking about language and how it is used to the point of inventing new language. Not being understood almost coming as a relief, because at least upon the admission that they don't understand, they're hearing that we're not saying the same thing.
2/2
@artemis The Duchess does this reflexively, but she isn't the walking thesaurus I became to make sure I was understood as a kid. It is one of the few frustrations I have left after 21y together, but we work through it.
When colleagues or friends do it, it can set off ALL THE ALARMS.
@artemis I don't think it's an autistic thing specifically... Most people are terrible at understanding what they're being told, at not misinterpreting, and one of the great mysteries of the Universe to me is how the heck humanity has so far managed to not wipe itself out given the incredible number of misunderstandings that happen every day, every minute.
Humans are bad at communication. Most of the time, they're in their own head, not listening to you, not paying attention to what you're actually saying, because it doesn't interest them as much as what they're going to say when you're done. Or, if they actually listen, they will interpret what you said through their own sieve, their own insecurities and perception of the world, and what they take away from it might be very different from what you intended.
It is a tragedy, and I've long suffered from it too, even as a fairly neurotypical person.
Nowadays, it's a great test to see if I will get along with someone. If I'm able to talk to them and they actually listen and understand my meaning, it's a good start. Otherwise, thank you, next.
@artemis "...because the other person keeps incorrectly paraphrasing things you say..."
I have learned the hard way that very often when this is going on it's on purpose. They are misunderstanding on purpose. They are using a totally different strategy to convince people of their position than the one you are using. Theirs is often more effective...way more often in fact.
Some of them even find it's funny that you don't realize this.
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