Can we put "how much time do you spend worrying if you are being misunderstood?" on the list of autism diagnostic questions?
Being misunderstood is my greatest fear in life, & I'm pretty sure autistic trauma is why.
"How often do you feel like you need to clarify things you say with very specific language?"
Here's a good one: "Do people often claim that you said something which you *definitely* did not say & get mad at you, even though you chose your language very specifically to try to make your meaning *abundantly* clear?"
"Do conversations with a single individual sometimes feel like a game of 'telephone' because the other person keeps incorrectly paraphrasing things you say?"
I have no idea how many hours of my life I have spent explaining to people that I didn't say the thing that they are saying that I did, but it's fucking stressful as hell.
Among other things, people seem to think all words with an overlapping semantic range are interchangeable, so you'll choose to use one that is specific to what you mean & then they substitute a different word with significantly different connotations & don't even seem to notice.
I wish I had known when I was younger that my brain was just working differently & more sensitively tuned to some things allistic people miss & less capable of picking up other things which allistic people do pay attention to.
It's fucking hard to be painfully sincere & honest & then despite your best efforts be accused of trying to manipulate a conversation.
It would have been nice to know it's not a character flaw.
Then they'll say something that mean "yes, that was what I *said*, but it wasn't what I *meant*!"
And we're supposed to be the ones with communication difficulties...
@artemis All of this thread, all of the wounds we carry, all of the trauma.
But one relatively minor thing it reminded me of.
A time a friend remarked on not enjoying a movie that had come out some years ago.
We had seen it together in theaters.
So I was able to quote to him the more positive thing he had said at the time.
(He's cool, we've been friends 40 years, he believed me.)
Having a very uncanny valley moment reading this thread.
My answer to the first proposed diagnostic question in OP would be "Never, or near enough that can't recall ever having done." But then, my neurospice seems stubbornly determined not to align with common testimony as to the autistic experience, so that's not surprising.
Now, the second proposed question, the answer is "Often", but not for reasons of fear. Rather, for reasons of loneliness. Desperately trying to invite folk into a world they seem unable to perceive, let alone visit, this being the only world myself am able to inhabit. Perpetually just out of phase with those around me.
1/2
This is unpacked by your third proposed question. Specifically, my experience is not that folk misunderstand and get mad. It's that folk insist that myself am agreeing with them, and no amount of clarification will overcome their insistence that we're "saying the same thing".
My response to all this, increasingly, has been neologism. The problem not being significantly different connotations, but mutually exclusive denotations. The things myself am trying to communicate being things that typically folk do not have words for, instead resorting to floating and empty signifiers, meant to denote entirely different things, so as to rest comfortably in consensus through shibboleth.
A whole life thinking about language and how it is used to the point of inventing new language. Not being understood almost coming as a relief, because at least upon the admission that they don't understand, they're hearing that we're not saying the same thing.
2/2
@artemis The Duchess does this reflexively, but she isn't the walking thesaurus I became to make sure I was understood as a kid. It is one of the few frustrations I have left after 21y together, but we work through it.
When colleagues or friends do it, it can set off ALL THE ALARMS.
@artemis I don't think it's an autistic thing specifically... Most people are terrible at understanding what they're being told, at not misinterpreting, and one of the great mysteries of the Universe to me is how the heck humanity has so far managed to not wipe itself out given the incredible number of misunderstandings that happen every day, every minute.
Humans are bad at communication. Most of the time, they're in their own head, not listening to you, not paying attention to what you're actually saying, because it doesn't interest them as much as what they're going to say when you're done. Or, if they actually listen, they will interpret what you said through their own sieve, their own insecurities and perception of the world, and what they take away from it might be very different from what you intended.
It is a tragedy, and I've long suffered from it too, even as a fairly neurotypical person.
Nowadays, it's a great test to see if I will get along with someone. If I'm able to talk to them and they actually listen and understand my meaning, it's a good start. Otherwise, thank you, next.
Artemis
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