None. I was the one usually giving motivational thoughts and words Then J. showed up. J was an abused woman, about age 26, burned with kerosene on her chest… ☹️

I learned something that day, things could be way worse.

I hope J. is doing good these days…

The first therapist I saw happened to be really good, or maybe I was really ready to hear her, possibly both. One thing she mentioned and really affected me at the time: observing how I expressed how guilty I felt about how mad I was about XYZ, that often the “secondary” feelings (guilt) give us more trouble than the primary feeling (anger). This helped me start to drill down into what my actual feeling/reaction to XYZ was, and I could feel less plagued/affected by the guilt/shame/whatev that had been drilled into my head over time (by mom, teachers, whomever).

I went to one therapist in my late 20s for about 6 months, then in mid/late 30s spoke with 2 different psychiatrists and 2 different talk therapists / social workers, plus have experienced 3 different couples counselors (oh joy). Some are not a good fit. I recommend trying someone for a few sessions — at least 3 — and then allowing yourself to try a different person. They will not be offended!

Narcissists will never voluntarily do therapy. The brain is a simple organ. It only learns new things by being surprised, when something unexpected happens. This has to be repeated over and over again to have an effect.

I’d recommend you take a look at schema therapy and mention it because I recognise the emotional state that comes across in what you post. Schema therapy would talk about this as “angry child mode”. Which is not intended to invalidate the very real reasons you have to be angry. It becomes a prison, isolation yourself from different parts that exist within you that could otherwise work in your favour to help you achieve what you want or better advocate for your needs.

Without the support of someone who knows what they’re doing that angry child mode is a never-ending pit of despair and source of guilt.

For therapy to work for you, you have to show up for it in a big way. Therapy is work. Not only is it work, but you have to be ready to work, which often includes letting go of your ego and admitting to yourself what patterns you engage in that aren’t serving you well. While advice giving can occasionally play a small role in therapy, it is not therapy.

Counterintuitively, many people are really, really attached to their negative patterns that perpetuate feelings of anxiety or depression. They may say they’re unhappy, but they aren’t ready to do anything different to change that.

Maybe take a look at yourself and try to gauge your own readiness for change. If you’re not ready to acknowledge that you yourself play a huge role in how you feel, as is the case for everyone, therapy will not be productive. If you’re expecting a therapist to do the work for you, therapy will not be productive. If you’re not ready to do work to break out of patterns in your life outside of therapy, therapy will not be productive.

Here’s my take: therapy only works if you give yourself over to it. That is to say, you have to be committed to take the advice that your therapist gives you, regardless of whether or not you (in the moment) believe it or not*.

You also have the right, and expectation, to push back. But, you have to do it in good faith. If you do the work, and take their advice, and it genuinely isn’t working for you no matter ho hard you try, tell them it isn’t working and what you’ve done.

I’ve been in therapy for almost 3 years now. It’s done wonders. But it’s been a long, difficult, and often painful journey. My therapist and I have had our moments. It happens. But we both kept at it, and I actually feel like a “normal” person for once.

Also: if you genuinely feel like you’re not connecting with your therapist, then don’t be shy about it. Let them know, and go find someone else. Don’t settle for someone just because you think you can’t do better or that you don’t deserve better.

* Obviously don’t do anything that would cause you or others harm.

Not me but someone close to me:

• There is a difference between “ready for therapy” and “ready for change”. Some people will sit in therapy for years but never see much progress because they are so stuck in doing or thinking something that holds them back.
• Your therapist will tell you things that don’t make sense to you. Listen to them anyway. If they tell you something that seems impossible, don’t ignore it, ask how you can do that. If they tell you something that seems useless, try it anyway, then report back if it doesn’t work and be open for an explanation for why it didn’t work.
• Be brutally honest. Your therapist won’t be able to help you unless you tell them exactly how bad your situation is. If you spend 90% of your day in bed and tell your therapist you’re doing okay, they won’t be able to correctly identify what kind of help you need.
• It is completely normal to miss some of your goals. Therapy takes time and nobody will judge you if you take longer than others. Figuring out how much you should push yourself and when you need a break is hard. Either way, don’t be angry at yourself when something doesn’t work out. As long as you tried, you’re fine.
• Most of your problems are in your head. That doesn’t mean they aren’t real. It doesn’t mean they don’t hurt. It doesn’t mean they aren’t difficult to overcome. It just means that the only person who can solve them is you. A therapist can explain how to solve them but they can’t change your thoughts or your habits.

Short answer: Try medication (which worked)

Long answer:

I have clinically diagnosed depression, Major Depressive Disorder. Known it from first year of college, symptoms started way earlier probably around middle school

Psychologist from a few years ago recommended me to read the Feeling Good Handbook. I ended up reading the entire thing end-to-end… Most of it I don’t really recall anymore at this point. But the book did mention about how there are two gold-standard forms of therapy: “talk-therapy” (usually what psychologists do, most popular one I think is CBT), and antidepressants/medication. And the people who respond most effectively to these two options are almost anti-correlative with each other

It turned out I was among the smaller group of people who don’t respond very well (if at all) to talk therapy, but respond very well to medication. I was a bit mentally against antidepressants up until that point, but I decided to just bite the bullet and give it a shot… So I talked with my psychologist, who then connected me with a psychiatrist who helped me get a prescription for Fluoxetine (Prozac) and monitored my progress every 2-3 months. It was basically a miracle drug for me. MDD can’t be cured, but me taking prescribed antidepressants, along with me getting adopted by two cats at that time, almost “cured” my depression for good. I was on a very low dose too, only 10-20 mg/d

But to echo what others have said. Therapy is work. I was very committed to finding an intervention. Even though CBT didn’t work very well I still managed to visit my psychologist every month and self-reflect afterwards, and that continued several years onwards even when most of my symptoms were greatly reduced after medication. No one forced me to read through a several hundred page book either, or to overcome my mental barrier of taking medication… I chose to partake these actions on my own

But yeah I think therapy does work if one is willing to put the effort into it

My therapist doesn’t really give me advice. She has a certain way of talking, looking at me, having a certain body language that either provokes me or inspires me - or my subconsciousness - to come up with alternate solutions, ways of thinking, behaviors and whatnot. Only when I’m apathetic, catatonic, having a panic attack or otherwise incapacitated does she actively provide concrete advice.

At first, I wanted to punch her in her above-it-all stuck up face, but two years later, I’m so grateful for her and her methodology. She has helped me developed my introspective skills. She has helped me heighten my senses so that I can feel such small changes in my mood that I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to notice.

With that out of the way, these are some of the most miraculous moments that I have had with her: