Mastodawn

Lilith, Mother of Darkness

I hate myself so much because I had to take my beloved Piki to his final journey to a vets office. Part of me wanted to get a vet to make a house call, so he could have stayed in familiar environment.
But in the end, I just couldn't do it. I knew that I could never feel at ease in my home, because I would always look at that spot while thinking "that is where he passed". I would have had to move, and my options regards to moving are currently limited, plus it's really hard to find a peaceful area where I feel safe.

But that doesn't help me, I still feel that I made his day a lot worse for him to give myself a bit more comfort. It feels so fucking selfish, and I hate myself even more than usually.

Lilith, Mother of Darkness 10h ago

I would like to offer my deepest gratitude to everyone who sent hugs, words of comfort, or anything else.

Never in my life have I been able to talk about the sadness this kind of experience causes, almost everyone is so cold and unfeeling.

So, thank you for offering your condolences, they mean more to me than you probably think. For once, I'm not completely alone in this. All of you rock. 🤘

Kevin Davy 9h ago

@Lunalucardrose20

Gulleko 11h ago

@Lunalucardrose20 We decided to let our cat Bacon go a year and a half ago, after he had a stroke. The alternative was putting him through months of rehabilitation and long car rides (he hated car rides) to the big animal hospital, and I'm still not sure if we made the right choice or not. I feel extremely guilty, but at the same time he was already 15 and how many more years would we even get and would they even be good years? All we can do is try our best. ❤️

Lilith, Mother of Darkness 11h ago

@Gulleko I feel you. Almost every decision I've ever had to make in these situations, I end up second guessing them. Even years later, I always think "maybe if I had made something differently, if I had been a better cat parent, maybe they would still be with me".

And every single time, the thought breaks me.

My condolences about Bacon.

Gulleko 11h ago

@Lunalucardrose20 Thank you

We do the best we can to give them a good life, and sometimes that includes letting them go before we want them to go.

Lilith, Mother of Darkness 11h ago

@Gulleko That's what I try to think. I gave him a great life, and would have given everything I had to make it even a bit longer. So I try to think that I'm a good cat parent.

Gulleko 11h ago

@Lunalucardrose20 You are definitely a good cat parent, because you care. ❤️

Lilith, Mother of Darkness 10h ago

@Gulleko Thank you, those kind words do help. 💙

Ash-Miw-Re 11h ago

@Lunalucardrose20 Doli passed in my kitchen while I was trying to arrange a euthanasia I couldn't truly afford and will always worry I could have avoided if I had been able to get employed sooner. I just hope she understood I didn't leave her in pain on purpose. It's been so hard. I'm both relieved for my own sanity I adopted a younger dog beforehand knowing I couldn't function without one, and sad for her worrying she felt replaced.

Lilith, Mother of Darkness 10h ago

@Ashmire I feel that pain, and I am so sorry that you had to go through that experience.
One of my first cats passed away so quickly in my home that I only just had time to get on the phone with a vet, but there was no time to even leave the house after that call.
I just had enough time to hold him in my arms and try to calm him down, before it was all over. I too hope that he didn't think I wasn't trying to get help for him.

neocat_cry_loud

stephaniepixie 🏳️‍🌈10h ago

@Lunalucardrose20 I can relate to your pain and sense of guilt. I went through the death of a kitty 4 years ago and it was my first time.
My mom and I held her in her final minutes at the vet.
I spent months feeling terrible about making kitty’s final hour a stressful one. She was usually such a relaxed cat but cried on the way to the vet that day. I was crying the entire time and still get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

Having a stranger come into your home probably would’ve been stressful anyway for kitty and it’s not unreasonable to want your home space to not be filled with the energy of death of a loved one.

It would’ve been terrible either way.
I hope you find a way to be gentle with yourself. It’s going to hurt for a while but one day youI’ll be able to look at photos and feel more joy at the years you had than heartbreak.
🩵

Lilith, Mother of Darkness 10h ago

@stephaniepixie Thank you so much.💙 I feel so much guilt over this, but I tried to make the vet trip as comfortable as possible for him. I held him in my arms, saying that I will always love him and will never forget him. I stayed with him through the whole "process", gently petting and holding him.
It's always one of the hardest things I will ever do, but I want to be there for all of them, until the very end.

I will try to be gentle with myself. It's not a skill I'm particularly good at, but just gotta practice.

Also, my condolences and sympathy for you too.

Robot Diver 🌊🌬️🍃🌿🌸🌱🌱🌱9h ago

@Lunalucardrose20

I'm so sorry. 🫂

Lilith, Mother of Darkness 9h ago

@RobotDiver I thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. 💙

some kinda cat 9h ago

@Lunalucardrose20 it's tough when a pet passes at home for sure. i'm sorry you had to say goodbye to your family member

Lilith, Mother of Darkness 9h ago

@catgoat Thanks, sweet of you to offer you condolences. These all mean an awful lot to me. 💙

EXP system 5h ago

@Lunalucardrose20 hugs and condolences for your loss. The when/how is so difficult, I don't think I've known many people satisfied with their decision on when/how they organised their pets final journey. Knowing that if you got a house call that you wouldn't be able to stay in that home, that you'd have to move, I think you made the right choice. I dont think critters in our custody want us to make life more difficult for ourselves following their passing. I think if he knew that him going to the vets office meant you could stay in the home you shared with him, he'd be happy with that.