Mastodawn

I hate myself so much because I had to take my beloved Piki to his final journey to a vets office. Part of me wanted to get a vet to make a house call, so he could have stayed in familiar environment.
But in the end, I just couldn't do it. I knew that I could never feel at ease in my home, because I would always look at that spot while thinking "that is where he passed". I would have had to move, and my options regards to moving are currently limited, plus it's really hard to find a peaceful area where I feel safe.

But that doesn't help me, I still feel that I made his day a lot worse for him to give myself a bit more comfort. It feels so fucking selfish, and I hate myself even more than usually.

#petloss

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stephaniepixie 🏳️‍🌈19h ago

@Lunalucardrose20 I can relate to your pain and sense of guilt. I went through the death of a kitty 4 years ago and it was my first time.
My mom and I held her in her final minutes at the vet.
I spent months feeling terrible about making kitty’s final hour a stressful one. She was usually such a relaxed cat but cried on the way to the vet that day. I was crying the entire time and still get teary-eyed just thinking about it.

Having a stranger come into your home probably would’ve been stressful anyway for kitty and it’s not unreasonable to want your home space to not be filled with the energy of death of a loved one.

It would’ve been terrible either way.
I hope you find a way to be gentle with yourself. It’s going to hurt for a while but one day youI’ll be able to look at photos and feel more joy at the years you had than heartbreak.
🩵

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Lilith, Mother of Darkness

@stephaniepixie Thank you so much.💙 I feel so much guilt over this, but I tried to make the vet trip as comfortable as possible for him. I held him in my arms, saying that I will always love him and will never forget him. I stayed with him through the whole "process", gently petting and holding him.
It's always one of the hardest things I will ever do, but I want to be there for all of them, until the very end.

I will try to be gentle with myself. It's not a skill I'm particularly good at, but just gotta practice.

Also, my condolences and sympathy for you too.