🅰🅻🅸🅲🅴 (🌈🦄)

Vulnerability time again.

So, in the bucket of "semi-innocuous things that can fuck you up for life", I cried this morning after waking from a stupid anxiety dream.

Why? Well strap in...

All my life people have told me I'm attractive (boo-hoo, right?). Which also means, all my life I've had people tell me I'm vain, or shallow, or that I'm using my looks manipulatively. People have also informed me that looks don't last, and that I'd "better have a plan B"¹ for when they inevitably fade.

¹ not that kind of plan B 😑

And, with brains being the lovely little pattern-seeking machines they are, mine condensed this down to "People like/hate you for your looks. If you're not pretty enough, you're worthless; if you're too pretty you're a bad person".

I've written before about my ex-spouse who told me, in a crowded cafe, "people only listen to you because you're fuckable" (this was in response to telling them that two psychologists had favorably reviewed my paper on autism self-diagnostic criteria)

I've also written about how I never really found myself attractive until just recently (thanks therapy, healthy relationships, and Fedi). I recognized that other folx did—or at least said they did, but—with my lifelong history of abuse—I didn't see it. I think it took, at least in part, having a healthy, loving, asexual partner for me to start liking myself in new ways. And, as she said after I told her about the dream this morning, "if I'm using you for your body, I'm doing a really bad job of it" 😋

So what was the dream? It was a pretty basic theater anxiety dream.

I was in a play (playing the male lead, I think), and I'd spent the morning doing my costume and makeup for the part. Someone ran by and let me know I was on in 7 minutes. It was then I realized no one had given me a script, and I didn't know anything about my lines or the play. A perfectly reasonable panic attack ensued, and then I woke up.

Now, I don't usually read into dreams; dreams are my brain's equivalent of DOS6 running defrag. But this one was pretty on the nose.

I had spent all my time trying to look the role, and had completely failed to do the part that matters...and now it was too late—I was the pretty one with no substance.

#Beauty #Dreams #Therapy #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Abuse

Feb 20 at 7:19pmWeb
Show threadHumphrey ArcherFeb 20
@alice
Hey Alice, you are a lovely person, and the world is a better place with you in it.
May your dreams be filled with comfy socks, bunnies, and glitter
Show threadMark ⛵️🏳️‍🌈Feb 20
@alice I’m glad you’re now in a better place and with a supportive partner - also loving the DOS reference! 🫂🤗🫂🤗🫂
Show threadMatilda LoveFeb 20

@alice

oof. being Conventionally Attractive must be like being the Gifted Kid. you have "so much potential" to live up to some generic-ass mainstream expectations!

but nobody ever tells you how to live up to those expectations (god damn what a perfect metaphor in that dream) and living up to your own desires is never considered an option.

Show threadEveryday.Human DerekFeb 20
@alice
Mmm… you are attractive, it’s not about your looks, yes while those are good you have plenty of other skills, I’m not going to mention what they are 🥰. Besides it’s your personality and compassion, kindness and how you rock life. There’s very few people I would trust my life with. You are one of them.
Show threadAprazethFeb 20

@alice
🫂

You are appreciated,
You are seen,
You are worthy of love,
You are kind,
You are funny,
You are smart,
You share your knowledge and quips freely,
You give so much of yourself,
You have created and foster a community - a home for many that may not have one otherwise,
You are this and so, so much more

You are loved for who you are without any kind of toll requirement to be met. It is your heart and mind that did all these and so much more  

Show threadWeird SocksFeb 20
@alice
Your current partner's (who seems pretty awesome and with a good head on her shoulders from my brief time talking with her) quote made me smile.
I appreciate people who are willing to risk vulnerability here. Thank you
Show threadFlipper 🐬🏳️‍🌈Feb 20

@alice My (uneducated) view on dreams is that a lot of the time they're not an indicator that something is wrong, but more of an indicator of anxiety that something is wrong. But then most of my life rn is characterized by anxiety. ymmv.

Smart people are the most attractive people, imo, and people who don't rate intelligence are the least attractive. But that's me, and I'm mostly asexual.

Show threadMoritz 💤🏳️‍🌈Feb 20
@alice wish you all the best for your path to grow.
Show threadMedea Vanamonde 🏳️‍⚧️Feb 20

@alice a lot of is apparently had anxiety dreams overnight.

Mine woke up into an Anxiery attack.

I posted about it here.

On my walk the meaning of the dream became obvious.

The last of the anxiety dissolved away.

You’ll be ok if you aren’t already.

Wondering why though so many of us had these dreams overnight

Show threadIrene ZhangFeb 20
@alice ugh this is why I hate being perceived. Basically up until college, I was never perceived as attractive because I’m Asian (yay, racism) and inter-racial relationships were still a big no no. Then I got to college and it flipped and made me so uncomfortable. To this day, I’m still uncomfortable being perceived but I know a lot of people think the opposite because I like clothes and shoes and girly things. During the pandemic, I realized that it’s really a body dysmorphia thing because people so strongly do not perceive me the way that I perceive myself in person but over video with video off is reasonable for me.
Show threadMissConstrueFeb 20
@alice I see you. And you’re not just a pretty face, you never have been. You’ve always been scintillating and smart and well read and fun. Easy on the eyes conveys some privilege, but not enough to invalidate all the other good things you are and you do. 🥰
Show threadDFYXFeb 20

@alice May I remind you that the vast majority of us has never seen your full face? Those of us who call you pretty on the internet mostly extrapolate from your taste and style. You'll keep those all your life even if (not when!) nature takes away your pretty face and smooth skin.

People might not call you "hot" anymore when you're 80 but they'll for sure say "damn, I wish I'll look like that when I get to your age", pointing at one of the coolest outfits ever seen on a retiree.

Show threadDizzy 0069 Stiff Assed Crip Feb 20

@alice The human mind can behave in some odd ways. Here's Professor Bergman in Space:1999 talking about humans and their brain potential.

Any dreams with negativity should always be consigned to the trash heap.

You are beautiful, kind, loving and considerate. We need more people to be like you.

As Carla said in Captain Kronos: Vampire Hunter said, "Beauty fades eventually, but a kind soul remains forever."

Show threadDavid PFeb 20

@alice

Anxiety dreams suck. Depression dreams also. They can really fuck up your day/week or whole outlook for sometime, how they weigh upon you when you wake.

I really don't think you lack substance in any way. In fact you are quite substantial, occupying the entire 3-dimensional space in which you inhabit. 🙃

#MemtalHealth

Show threadXenoPhage Feb 20

@alice "dreams are my brain's equivalent of DOS6 running defrag”

I absolutely love this description. I miss watching defrag! :P

Show threadPolychrome Feb 20
@alice I just like you for who you are. I'm pretty simple like that. ​

Also that DOS reference ​
Show threadThe Great Llama Feb 20

@alice
I woke myself up the other night with a stress dream about... getting enough sleep!

In the dream I was stressing about getting scheduled for something very early the following morning. It was late and I was having zero luck falling asleep. Needless to say, this particular dream was triggered by roughly those actual circumstances and the dream was effectively a self fulfilling prophecy. 🫩

Thanks brain, that was super helpful.

Show threadJonobieFeb 20

@alice I don't know if this useful or not, but sharing in case it is?

I went through a similar journey and although I don't remember anyone telling me that people only listened because I was attractive, I internalized that same message and scrutinized accomplishments to see if I could figure out if they were from that or not. I'm sorry you've experienced that too. It REALLY sucks.

Now at nearly 50, I am hitting that "plan B" part. People do react differently now that I'm older and in a bigger body. That's sometimes hard. But it's less in areas of accomplishment and more like ... "service people are less 'extra nice' to me" and random people hit on me less? (Which honestly I was never good at noticing.)

FWIW, looking back now, I see a whole host of intersections of my privilege (white, attractive, thin, young, cis, not poor, ...), and ALSO a lot of drag from misogyny that I didn't see when I was in it.

Tl;Dr? Society and competition is a total mindfuck, to be sure.

Show threadstaringatcloudsFeb 20
@alice 🫂
Show threadoperat0rFeb 20
@alice ;P Testing out my script to detect AI I noticed the subscript you missed I need to add :P "¹ not "
Show threadKirtai 🏳️‍⚧️Feb 20
@alice
 if wanted.
Show threadLongspeak TellerFeb 21
@alice *hugs* if you need one. Brains are fucked up.
Show threadJonathan LamotheFeb 21

@alice

People have also informed me that looks don't last


What does?

Show threadTaffer 🇨🇦Feb 21
@alice For what it’s worth, I have no idea what you look like (in my brain you’re a pixel art avatar), and I follow you because you kept posting cool shit that @catsalad kept boosting. Eliminate the middle person!
Show threadArt BrewFeb 21
@alice I've always thought it must be really hard for 'drop dead gorgeous' people to get along in life. Pretty much everyone they encounter is trying or lying to get closer to them because of infatuation. This is why (imho) Marilyn Monroe chose non conforming 'ugly' blokes. Am prepared to be wrong about this, am just spouting opinions as I feel them...
Show threadBewilderedKat Feb 22

@alice In case it helps, I think you are full of substance. Being pretty doesn't take away from that.  

I have a history of issues too (e.g. I still struggle to feel safe around people). It takes a while to learn how to be vulnerable, and takes a while to see oneself as others do.

For the record, I've met you in person and can testify that you are safe and comfortable to be around. And can assert that people like you for many different reasons.

*stamps certificate with Kat paw*

Show threadSablebadgerFeb 22

@alice I don't follow you because you're pretty. I follow you because you're interesting, and post and share cool things on the regular. Plus you seem kind and caring. I'd say your plan B is working out just fine. :). Keep it up.

And it's totally ok to feel anxiety, just try no to let it have power over you. Most people feel anxiety, and it can control you if you let it. (My anxiety and I have had regular fights... I win some lose some.)