Riley 🔞

Experienced #Polyamorous people of the Fedi, I need some #advice and #support. #Poly newb here; please be honest but gentle.

An incredibly cute and lovely human and fellow student has walked into my life, and I am verry much smitten. We're just getting to know each other and feeling out the vibes. With that being said, if things go the way I'd like them to, I want to ask them out with every fiber of my being. that means they'll have to find out I'm poly at some point, and that scares the hell out of me because what if that blows up my chances or otherwise backfires? I know it's stupid and that this is the chance you take, but still... makes my stomach squirm. Also, worth mentioning that for my own safety, the people around me do not know that I am poly.

So, my question is: how do y'all gage whether or not potential love interests are open to #polyamory without being obvious about it? Any subtle hints or questions I could drop to feel things out so to speak? Would rather not get my hopes up too much. Or, am I thinking/going about this the entirely wrong way? Again, any advice or support would be fantastic.

#ENN #ethicalnonmonogamy

Dec 11 at 12:11amWeb
Show threadRyan Clough  Dec 11

@finally_me You mentioned wanting to "ask them out," but beyond that it's not clear to me what your current relationship (using that word generically) is to this person or where you want to take things.

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Some things to consider:

If this is someone who's currently a friend to you, are they a good enough friend that you'd trust coming out to them as poly, and to keep that to themselves even if they don't want to develop a deeper sort of relationship?

If this isn't someone who's a friend to you now, is developing that sort of friendship something you're willing to do "for your own safety" (to avoid coming out more broadly)?

Would you still want to date someone who didn't know you were poly if that knowledge would "blow up your chances?"

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My approach:

I'm not *generally* out as poly to my friends, family, or coworkers. There are a smattering of exceptions, and those are people I developed strong enough relationships with that I trust them to continue to want me in their life and to keep my poly identity to themselves. Right now, this feels like the right balance; I acknowledge that might change in the future.

Personally, I'm very against the idea of building a deep relationship (beyond "friend" or "acquaintance" labels) without being transparent that I'm poly. For better or worse, monogamy comes with a handful of "scripts" and assumptions, and I've found some of those don't align with my values. Building an assumed-monogamous relationship would mean pushing my values (my authentic self) aside, consciously or unconsciously. I've already done that once, unintentionally, and I would *not* recommend it.

"Asking someone out" and dating in general is another one of those things that has a bunch of "scripts" and assumptions baked in. Polyamory isn't part of the socially accepted dating "script," unfortunately. I don't feel like there's just one way to account for that difference, but I feel like any indirect approach would involve a ton more work/risk/pain for everyone involved.

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For the record, coming out as poly to *anyone* is scary, and confessing attraction to someone or asking someone out adds another layer of that. I think you're justified in feeling terrified…and I think there are some amazing people out there who are worth facing that fear for.

Show threadRyan Clough  Dec 11
@finally_me A bit of a postscript: The questions in that "Some things to consider" section are *not* intended to force any specific conclusions or shame you in any way. My primary goal is to hopefully get you thinking about the balance you're trying to walk, and about whether that balance aligns with your values. Doing the work of "squaring that circle" is difficult and not a one-size-fits-all sort of thing.
Show threadRiley 🔞Dec 11
@internet_ryan thank you so much for this reply. Seriously. Thank you. Really appreciate it.
Show threadRyan Clough  Dec 11
@finally_me Hope you found it helpful! My DMs are open (here and elsewhere) if you ever want to pick my brain or hear more about my story.
Show threadEll 🏳️‍⚧️Dec 11

@finally_me Ryan has some great perspective, perhaps better than mine since I'm fortunate enough to run in circles where I can be very open about my polyamory. But I'll throw in my two cents too :)

You're very right, I think, that polyamory is like any other marginalized/stigmatized identity in that there is that tricky dance of gauging whether the other person is chill or not without showing your hand too early. I pay attention to how they talk about dating/partners/etc of course - are they looking for The One, or are they more casual/open about possibilities? How do they talk about their exes?

I don't have any sure-fire code words, but for instance, I will often casually mention "a partner" or "a person I'm dating" and avoid using more singular language like "my partner" - so if the other person is actively polyam, they may do the same. To tweak things a little more direct (and thus risky, in your case), as a soft way of broaching the topic I will often refer to "one of my partners" - that of course works best if you have at least one current partner, although you can try with past partners for a less clear (and thus more plausibly deniable) implication. Of course, the classic talking about a polyam "friend" (even if they're just online!) can be a good trial balloon as well. Obviously none of this is surefire, but you can sometimes test the waters and find fellow polyam folks in the best-case scenario where the other person also id's as polyam.

But there's also the space of, not actively polyam, but open to it, curious, or open at least to dating polyam folks. Mono-poly relationships can be more complicated but they can work, some people are monogamous themselves but don't mind partners being polyamorous. Requires good communication of course, but that's all relationships, even if the built-in guardrails/restrictions of monogamy sometimes let you get away with slacking on it for a time.

Show threadEll 🏳️‍⚧️Dec 11

@finally_me As for getting there: I don't know what your social scene is like, but in my contexts folks generally consider the first few dates at least effectively open, and it's expected that you've potentially got other dates lined up since you're clearly available and actively dating, so that requires a conversation at some point (ideally after building some degree of trust) a conversation about expectations around exclusivity, which is naturally a good time to tiptoe into something like "I like you a lot and would like to have you in my life, what does dating/going steady look like to you, exclusivity-wise?"

Asking them open-ended questions is I think a good way to gauge how open they are to polyamory/non-monogamy, if they are clearly one way or the other then you have your answer, but if not, challenging their assumptions and making them think about what dating means to them can open the floor for wider discussion.

Personally I'm pretty deconstructionist about relationships, so I end up talking with friends and potential partners alike about how arbitrary the lines between "friendship" and "Relationship" are, which for me is pretty open. But even for monogamous people it's important to talk about what expectations about close friendships are, and what "fidelity" means. Talking philosophically about that kind of What Dating Even Is could give you more information to go on too.

If someone is not interested (or worse) in polyamory then they're not compatible with you, and that's just facts, but it also can be SO frustrating when everything else lines up nicely. Some things people can just filter themselves out about, but the dealbreakers where you have to actively disclose them are scary!

It sounds like you're going about things well so far - many folks figure out that monogamy doesn't work for them much further down the road, so you're saving yourself and future partners a lot of pain, even if it requires hard scary work up front. Much hugs and encouragement from this internet stranger on doing the work.

Show threadDefiantSquirrel (he/him/his)Dec 22
@finally_me be honest and upfront. If you are smitten with them, it's better to mention it and have them either accept it as a part of you or reject it. I don't "gauge" whether potential interests are open to #polyamory . I tell them I am poly and if they don't want that, then I move on.