Riley 🔞Dec 11

Experienced #Polyamorous people of the Fedi, I need some #advice and #support. #Poly newb here; please be honest but gentle.

An incredibly cute and lovely human and fellow student has walked into my life, and I am verry much smitten. We're just getting to know each other and feeling out the vibes. With that being said, if things go the way I'd like them to, I want to ask them out with every fiber of my being. that means they'll have to find out I'm poly at some point, and that scares the hell out of me because what if that blows up my chances or otherwise backfires? I know it's stupid and that this is the chance you take, but still... makes my stomach squirm. Also, worth mentioning that for my own safety, the people around me do not know that I am poly.

So, my question is: how do y'all gage whether or not potential love interests are open to #polyamory without being obvious about it? Any subtle hints or questions I could drop to feel things out so to speak? Would rather not get my hopes up too much. Or, am I thinking/going about this the entirely wrong way? Again, any advice or support would be fantastic.

#ENN #ethicalnonmonogamy

Show threadRyan Clough  

@finally_me You mentioned wanting to "ask them out," but beyond that it's not clear to me what your current relationship (using that word generically) is to this person or where you want to take things.

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Some things to consider:

If this is someone who's currently a friend to you, are they a good enough friend that you'd trust coming out to them as poly, and to keep that to themselves even if they don't want to develop a deeper sort of relationship?

If this isn't someone who's a friend to you now, is developing that sort of friendship something you're willing to do "for your own safety" (to avoid coming out more broadly)?

Would you still want to date someone who didn't know you were poly if that knowledge would "blow up your chances?"

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My approach:

I'm not *generally* out as poly to my friends, family, or coworkers. There are a smattering of exceptions, and those are people I developed strong enough relationships with that I trust them to continue to want me in their life and to keep my poly identity to themselves. Right now, this feels like the right balance; I acknowledge that might change in the future.

Personally, I'm very against the idea of building a deep relationship (beyond "friend" or "acquaintance" labels) without being transparent that I'm poly. For better or worse, monogamy comes with a handful of "scripts" and assumptions, and I've found some of those don't align with my values. Building an assumed-monogamous relationship would mean pushing my values (my authentic self) aside, consciously or unconsciously. I've already done that once, unintentionally, and I would *not* recommend it.

"Asking someone out" and dating in general is another one of those things that has a bunch of "scripts" and assumptions baked in. Polyamory isn't part of the socially accepted dating "script," unfortunately. I don't feel like there's just one way to account for that difference, but I feel like any indirect approach would involve a ton more work/risk/pain for everyone involved.

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For the record, coming out as poly to *anyone* is scary, and confessing attraction to someone or asking someone out adds another layer of that. I think you're justified in feeling terrified…and I think there are some amazing people out there who are worth facing that fear for.

Dec 11 at 6:36amWeb
Show threadRyan Clough  Dec 11
@finally_me A bit of a postscript: The questions in that "Some things to consider" section are *not* intended to force any specific conclusions or shame you in any way. My primary goal is to hopefully get you thinking about the balance you're trying to walk, and about whether that balance aligns with your values. Doing the work of "squaring that circle" is difficult and not a one-size-fits-all sort of thing.
Show threadRiley 🔞Dec 11
@internet_ryan thank you so much for this reply. Seriously. Thank you. Really appreciate it.
Show threadRyan Clough  Dec 11
@finally_me Hope you found it helpful! My DMs are open (here and elsewhere) if you ever want to pick my brain or hear more about my story.