How's your relationship? Are you on the Drama Triangle?
Understanding this theory has really helped me navigate my relationships with people.
A thread 🧵
On the triangle there are three positions:
Victim
Rescuer
Persecutor
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#Psychology #Relationships #Family #Friendship #TransactionalAnalysis #Therapy #Psychotherapy
#ActuallyAutistic
Partners in a relationship may fall into one (or more!) of these roles, especially when we're stressed or tired.
This pulls our partner into feeling unsafe and defensive, and then acting out their complementary role in the drama, so it becomes a loop.
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We usually have a preferred role, but might flip to other roles e.g. if one isn't being effective.
(A frequent combo, confusingly, is rescuer/persecutor!)
So, how to spot the roles?
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Persecutor: attacks and blames the other partner, e.g. through criticism and ridicule.
Can be done almost imperceptibly through ‘passive aggression’ & gaslighting, disbelieving the other's experience etc.
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Victim: makes it clear their role isn’t to help the other person, or be the active one.
Empathy flows to them, as other people don't have "real" problems.
They're inward-looking & their focus doesn't have space for others.
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Rescuer: imposes their assistance on others whether they want it or not.
They give unsolicited advice. They frequently express concern for others, and may say things like “it's for your own good.”
They focus on others, & they know best.
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People tend to shift onto the drama triangle when we're under stress and/or in conflict situations.
Sometimes we'll slip on and off it, all in the same interaction or argument with someone.
😟
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The deciding factor is how much trust we feel, so how defensive we're being.
The more scared and defensive we are, the more firmly we get on that triangle.
And of course, the more defensive our partner’s likely to be, too! It's a spiral.
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That's why awareness is everything.
Because once you both know you're on the drama triangle, you can get off the damn thing!
A little shift in perspective is all it takes….
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When you flip the drama triangle over (this happens when you become more curious & less defensive)...
... you get the healthy, ‘connected’ triangle.
The Love Triangle (that’s my term, not official!)
💜 Victim becomes Vulnerability
💚 Rescuer becomes Empathy
💙 Persecutor becomes Potency
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And vulnerability, empathy, and potency (or ‘agency’), happen to be the three emotional ingredients you need for true, deep connection with another person.
And indeed, with yourself!
🥰💞
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I sometimes think we seek others to give us balance. To lend us a quality we urgently need.
⚖️
This puts a less macabre and/or self-destructive spin on victims seeking rescuers, or persecutors, and vice versa, and so on.
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We poor humans.
Perhaps we're just trying to make ourselves complete.
Ref: The ‘drama triangle’ is from transactional analysis theory, Karpman
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
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End of 🧵
I only realised I could have agency..uh... about a couple of years ago 🙄😂
It's been revolutionary.
Yeah me too! Aarrgh.
It's what my therapist sister calls a 'spluttery tap'. Rusty pipes, I suppose.
@KatyElphinstone men are so privileged that they get their own corner on the drama triangle just for mansplaining!
(I'm not sure if I'm joking or not)
K.J. Elphinstone
Vesna Manojlović
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