Mastodawn

beaty Jan 9, 2023

How to start?
I’m using masking in several areas, mostly in business context. I did use heavily masking to hide my ADHD and Autism. Thinking it would my life easier. It did and it still does for my peers, but it also makes things harder for me. I made my neurodivergence public in the company to relieve the pressure that masking creates.
1/4

beaty Jan 9, 2023

Still I’m masking my non-binary gender. And this seems to become the tougher one. I’m currently surrounded by white CIS males with no sense of diversity.

2/4

Somehow this does not feel welcoming to come out. So for a long time during the days I’m just trying to be cis-male-passing. I’m questioning myself and also why I don’t have the confidence to me „more me“. I feel a betrayer to others that are not hiding, but express their identity. I do have shoulder length hair - not very „manly“.

3/4

beaty Jan 9, 2023

Besides all these things, I’m also privileged. I’m white. I’m financially independent.
But this drives me nuts.
Am I just a coward? Have been one for more than 46 years?

I’m mostly confused at the moment. I feel okay, but confused.

#ActuallyAutistic #neurodivergent #ADHD #Autigender #NonBinary #DailyStruggle #QuestioningMyLifeChoices #WTFAmIDoingHere

4/4

🪴🌮🥃🍣Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde I think that's all valid. I have found cis het white men the hardest to be myself around most of my life. It's probably one of the least accepting of a lot of groups, so I can imagine that there would be difficulty there.

beaty Jan 9, 2023

@model_subject thanks for the support 🫶 highly appreciated

🪴🌮🥃🍣Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde I kinda feel for a lot of cis het dudes too, because most of them are that way because they have never gotten comfortable enough to take a good look at who they are and why they are who they are, so it seems super outside of their periphery to engage with people who have and do.

Joy Denebeim Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde I understand. Have you started hormones yet? Eventually you're not going to be able to pass once you start. I learned that.

beaty Jan 9, 2023

@denebeim As I'm non-binary I don't see myself in need of hormones. I struggled long term at that point: Am I trans woman? Am I something in between? What am I? But as of now, I don't want to be a woman neither be a male. I don't identify as a binary gender. Which makes it all more confusing TBH

Payal Dhar (she/they)Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde @[email protected] A lot of things made sense for me when I discovered the term autigender. I think gender just doesn’t make sense to us. I don’t want to be a man, but I’ve never been comfortable as a girl/woman. I wondered for long if I was trans. I still wonder at times, but autigender always fits.

beaty Jan 9, 2023

@payaldhar @denebeim that’s the same way I feel about my gender identity. It’s bound to my neurodivergent identity. They’re bound together.

Edible Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde
I feel that all pretty deeply. I'm 40, ADHD & autistic, queer and nonbinary. I've masked pretty hard for most of my life and I still flirt with the closet in many situations.
I am more out at work now, both about my neuro stuff and the fact -but not details- of my LGBT-ness. I'm pretty lucky at work, it's a diverse team and the cisdudes in the C-suite (mostly) make an effort to understand and accommodate, but it's tough to be "out there".

beaty Jan 9, 2023

@silvermoon82 I’m not sure how much of me is hidden just because all of the masking. I am open to people asking about me. But I won’t be expressing it like I would love to.

Tattie (old account)Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde masking, both neurodivergence and gender, is something we do because society makes it extremely hard to be ourselves. We are not "cowards" for doing it, it is not a failure, it is self-preservation.

There's no obligation to come out. Not to yourself or anyone else. When you do, do it out of love for yourself.

beaty Jan 9, 2023

@Tattie thank you. There are very valuable hints in your words. Normally I don’t would be thinking of me as a coward. I’m not. Sometimes it just feels I’m hiding too much, because people are not able to cope with the „full me“. They hardly can handle my „masked me“.

Dr. Sasha Göbbels Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde 🫂 You're not betraying anyone. We don't have a choice to be trans (using it as an umbrella term) or not. But we have regarding our presentation, what information we disclose to whom and when to come out.

And all these decisions are profoundly personal. Depending on one's state of mental health (spoons anyone?), personal security, family and professional situation and much more.

beaty Jan 9, 2023

@sashag thank you for your supporting words. They mean a lot. 🫂
I was more openly thinking about it as I was writing and phrased those questions of my situation as they came along. I don’t have static answers to them. My view shifts due to changing situations, contexts and mental state.

More or less in the same way you are expressing it.
I’m totally fine with trans* as umbrella term. Although I’m not sure where a nb transition is leading.

Dr. Sasha Göbbels Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde This is where I started! I didn't know exactly what I wanted or where I wanted to go. So I very slowly started with 'non-binary' and started to explore. The only thing I was sure of was that I wanted HRT. At least try it and see if it fits.

And hell it did. So I slowly progressed to a more feminine presentation and self-image yet still labeling as non-binary as of now.

Dr. Sasha Göbbels Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde We don't owe anyone a label, presentation or gender. We don't have to earn who we are. ✨

beaty Jan 9, 2023

@sashag awww 🫶

beaty Jan 9, 2023

@sashag that’s very heartwarming to read.

I don’t have the intrinsic feeling of being in need to HRT. It took me years to come to that point of understanding the things going on inside me. Seems to be one of the things I’m very certain about - at least at the moment.

Dr. Sasha Göbbels Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde I'm very visibly trans, out everywhere, like *extremely* out. I'm in a situation in life where this is possible in every respect.

And my ADHD is the reason why it is not possible for me to do otherwise.

Like you said for your neurodivergence: my transness and neurodivergence are integral part of who I am. Both are interwoven in my life.

beaty Jan 9, 2023

@sashag I love your view on the topic - and it’s more than „just an opinion“. As you wrote „very visibly trans“. Which is (for everyone being visibly trans) very respecting to me.

craquemattic 🏳️‍🌈Jan 9, 2023

@beatnixde I appreciated reading this because I find myself in this situation often as a worker in tech. To those that know me in music, my queerness comes as no surprise. But the world of my tech job is way different. One thing I discovered this year is that #neurodivergent and #queer are overlapping qualities. Another thing I learned is the people who care the most about you will accept you for you. So take your time.

beaty Jan 10, 2023

@dtauvdiodr I’d have certainly limited issues with developers and other techies. Since I’m also on management level, I have to deal with the typical conservative white male CIS hetero mindset - diversity is not a topic they’re comfortable with.