Michael TyznikDec 29, 2022
taedryn 🏳️‍⚧️

Hey cis friends, have you ever fantasized about being a different gender? Any context: sex or cool clothes or whatever, no shame attached.

Some trans folks I've talked to think everyone questions their gender, but the few cis folks I've asked either say no, or only a tiny handful of times.

If none of these choices make sense for you, my DMs are open. (Edit: See also the secondary poll below, which has more options.)

Trans friends, please sit this one out, but please do boost for reach.

Never
24.2%
Maybe once or twice?
17.7%
A handful of times, ever
29.5%
Show results
28.6%
Poll ended at .
Dec 29, 2022 at 12:04amWeb
Show threadtaedryn 🏳️‍⚧️Dec 29, 2022
@oldladyplays Yes, this was directly inspired by your post about talking to cis het audiences while running classes. Been thinking about putting the poll together for a few months, though; that was just the impetus I needed. 😁
Show threadtaedryn 🏳️‍⚧️Dec 29, 2022

Follow-up (supplementary) poll, because now I'm feeling like my choices were a touch too presumptive: Same question, same audience, but maybe I missed the range I should have aimed for.

How often do you, as a cis person, fantasize about being a different gender?

Several times a year
24.4%
Several times a month
13.3%
Several times a week or more
7.4%
See results
54.9%
Poll ended at .
Show threade. hashman Dec 29, 2022

@taedryn Voted "show results" on both polls because neither's options describe my experiences.

Particularly when I was growing up, I frequently wished I was born a boy because I dealt with so much gendered shoehorning and pushback for not conforming.

As an adult, I have set up my life so I deal with this a lot less. I never wish I was a boy anymore, but when I deal with harassment and other gendered shit I definitely wish I was not perceived as a woman, because for many people "woman" is not "human being worthy of autonomy and respect."

I still downplay or outright hide my gender in many spaces, and I don't care what pronouns people use as a result, but this is not the same as wanting to be a different gender. I don't identify as trans or nonbinary, cis woman still feels closer to what I am, but I do see myself on the agender spectrum. 

edit: this post is clearly marked no boost and unlisted. If you boost it I will block you.

Show threadYes, *that* dawn personDec 29, 2022
@ehashman @taedryn It’s been quite common in my intersections with tech for women and female-presenting people in general to position themselves in ways that downplay both gender and sex characteristics. Hard to distinguish between presentation and internalized gender without close friendships and trust.
Show threade. hashman Dec 29, 2022
@thatdawnperson @taedryn I'm in a decent enough position that I've actually been able to play up my femme side publicly for most work and in-person stuff. But online it's too risky.
Show threadKarin KallmakerDec 29, 2022

@ehashman @taedryn Thank you, your summary in the first couple paragraphs closely represent my lifetime experiences as well.

We deviate in that I've never tried to hide my gender in person. Instead I'm a warrior about it. I see it as part of my femme lesbian identity. Being treated as lesser is unacceptable. "Allowed to do what by whom?" is a question that never leaves my mind.

That said, not in person, I will not volunteer my gender unless it is relevant. (It rarely is.)

Show threade. hashman Dec 29, 2022

@kallmaker @taedryn I don't usually downplay or hide my gender in person. When I was a teenager I was pretty tomboyish and cut my hair short. I looked androgynous (definitely got the "are you a boy or a girl?") and experienced what I can only describe as gender dysphoria. I am definitely femme of center.

For whatever reason people frequently do mistake me for trans and this makes me feel very powerful, lol

Show threadKarin KallmakerDec 30, 2022

@ehashman @taedryn

I love that! My wife is very masc of center and has a long life time of being "sirred." Used to bother her but now, nope. Like my other masc of center friends who identify as "butch" she'll say "I am another way to be a woman, open up your lens a little bit..."

Show threadWhat duck?Dec 31, 2022
@kallmaker @ehashman @taedryn I get sir'd a lot (tall cis woman in trousers) and I find it hilarious. 'oh no, I broke your extremely simple detection algorithm'
Show threadKarin KallmakerJan 1, 2023
@geeoharee lol! Perfect!
Show threadviolet handsDec 29, 2022
@ehashman @taedryn agender can count as non-binary, and trans is pretty much any deviation from the gender imposed on you at birth.
Show threade. hashman Dec 29, 2022
@chairgirlhands @taedryn I am aware. I don't identify as either. My gender is binary and it isn't different than the one assigned at birth, just less.
Show threadviolet handsDec 29, 2022
@ehashman @taedryn idk fam that sounds like part of it isn’t binary but you do you, not trying to invalidate.
Show threadZoey 🏳️‍⚧️Dec 29, 2022

@taedryn
The interesting thing to me as I start to accept that I am trans, is that I mostly fell into the "a couple times a year" camp of gender questioning.

The difference for me is that the answer to that questioning almost always was "yes, I'd like to be a girl" followed by an "oh well, too bad it's not possible"

Show threadtaedryn 🏳️‍⚧️Dec 29, 2022
@zoey Yeah, similar for me, though my answer was usually, "In the fantasy setting where I can immediate switch to completely being a girl, I'd really like that. But being a trans woman sounds bad." In a way, I'm still there, but I realized that although I'll never be cis female, being trans is better than what I was.
Show threadZoey 🏳️‍⚧️Dec 29, 2022

@taedryn
Ah, yes. The old "magical gender swap fantasy" I know it well.

I very much understand not wanting to deal with being trans, at least visibly. I'm still terrified to try.

Show threadStaren, the Last StardaughterJan 5, 2023
@zoey @taedryn Mood... ​
Show threadBerkubernetusDec 29, 2022

@taedryn Doesn't everyone?

I mean, if you're seriously ace, maybe not. But everyone else, yes?

Show threadhuxley(fur) / Laelia 🔜 Furcationland DeadDogDec 29, 2022
@fuzzychef @taedryn as someone who does and is waffling between cis and genderfluid: nnnnnope
Show threadWintryMix 🏳️‍🌈Dec 29, 2022
@taedryn Cis person weighing in here to say that I like the choices in this follow up poll much better.
Show threadmlemDec 29, 2022
@taedryn I am a fan of cyberpunk scenarios where a person can hop into and control different machines with their mind, like a humanoid robot. Scenarios of controlling a different body are an extension of that. In GitS, there are places where customers of a *certain establishment* plug into their partner's feed so they can see and experience things from the other's perspective. I see my flesh body as an anchor so I won't get lost in the sauce, so to speak.
Show threadGDec 29, 2022
@taedryn not cis, but when I thought I was, the answer would have been: once. Exactly once. And then I thought about that moment a billion times again, lol! But that's because I'm not binary -- it was this moment of "realizing" (incorrectly) that if I wasn't a girl, the only other choice was boy, & I didn't want that, either, so 🤷🏾‍♂️ guess I'm stuck. Felt that way ~20yrs before I found out NB was an option, heh. Now I happily never fantasize about being any gender at all, because I don't have to be!
Show threadIxtli Dekami 🍕⚾🖖Dec 29, 2022

@taedryn
I have fantasized that more than a few times, and my reason is simple: fashion. Men's fashion is boring as hell. And I happen to like the looks/design/whatever of women's pants, skirts and shoes. I know that, in my case, there's nothing sexual about it. I believe that clothing has no gender (Seinfeld's "the Manssiere" proves that).

Btw, I'm a cis, het, brown skinned man. And 2 psychologists have diagnosed me as "a decent pervert" *AS A JOKE* because of my fashion ideas…=)

Show threadJohn DarkDec 29, 2022
@taedryn once or twice in my life? Mainly to ask would I feel up my own boobs. But fantasize is maybe the wrong word. Imagine maybe once per month just to be a better ally like trying to put myself in another’s shoes.
Show threadTrying not to be a cave goblinDec 29, 2022

@taedryn Responded with "several times per year". I'd say once to twice per month, though every so often I fantasize about it more.

I've sometimes wondered if I'm not actually cis, but I never really felt strongly enough about it one way or another to challenge what I was assigned at birth. Sometimes I semi-jokingly refer to myself as "gender-apathetic".

Show thread∇entorDec 29, 2022
@taedryn it depends week to week for me but (as a cis man) it has been a constant presence since I was a toddler, it seems. I feel like I could *possibly* be gender fluid but I don't think I suffer from dysphoria so I've just stuck with cis
Show threadPaul DDec 29, 2022

@taedryn Really is closer to once or twice in lifetime. Former poll closer to ground truth.

Speaking only for me.

Show threadsmells of bikesDec 29, 2022
@taedryn This poll definitely needed more frequent options.
Show threadRicardo HarvinDec 29, 2022
@taedryn Somewhere between "a handful of times, ever" and "several times a year"
Show threadegyp7Dec 29, 2022

@taedryn I'm a bi cis man in my 40s. I answered several times per year, though it's hard to pin that down.

I have spent a lot of time wrestling with what my gender means to me. I've occasionally fantasized about having different genitals but I don't feel like "fantasize" is the right word for how I think about my gender. Maybe "imagine" is better. Either way, it comes and goes. Can go weeks feeling fine with being a man and then hate everything about masculinity for a while.

Show threadgigglefitDec 29, 2022
@taedryn My answer has changed over time. When I was younger, I thought about it often. Now, not so much.
Show threadSabrina (she/her)Dec 29, 2022
@taedryn does this question include the times I am on my way home and would like to get there safe as well?
Show threadRosie BlueDec 29, 2022
@taedryn I’m fairly young and still questioning, so I do think about it sometimes. I’m afab, and identifying as a cis woman who presents on a bit masc. I don’t feel a need to change my pronouns, but I also have had quite short hair for years, and I dress pretty androgynously, so much so that I get misgendered sometimes. Mostly I wonder what it would be like to have a differently proportioned body, typically for fashion reasons 😋
Show threadBardMoss the Bodhi Linux GuyDec 29, 2022
@taedryn
In my 30s, 40 years ago, I was ready to become trans woman. The hitch was, there were only 2 doctors in the US doing the surgery, and the cost was thousands of dollars, which I didn't have and there was no support. I have never thought of myself as cis, but most people see me that way. I have called myself queer or nonbinary most of my life, but most of my family never had a clue.
Show threadffffennekDec 29, 2022
@taedryn how is "not at all" or "maybe a few times in my life" not on the table anymore in the follow-up (supposedly better?) poll
Show threadffffennekDec 29, 2022
@taedryn I guess the second one is an addition, not a replacement then?
Show threadNoujoumDec 29, 2022
@taedryn I'd wish for even more nuanced options when answering. I wished to be a different gender when I was a kid, so I answered "an handful of times" - does that count? Since puberty I've been quite happy with my assigned gender and I know a bunch of people who have similar experiences.
Show threadNoujoumDec 29, 2022
@taedryn judging from other replies it seems that another important question would be "why would you wish to be a different gender?", because especially women would often like to have the freedoms men enjoy without actually *wanting* to be a man. Lot's of different shades and motivations it seems to me.
Show threadSteph Gaunt ✍️Dec 29, 2022
@taedryn I can’t really answer this because I am not a ‘cis person’ I am a #woman.However, when I was a child I occasionally thought about being a boy so I could pee standing up. I preferred cowboy outfits to dresses. But I am heterosexual, a mother and a grandmother, and have never fantasised about being a man.
Show thread͏͏͏͏͏͏⠀⠀⠀ ͏͏͏͏͏͏ ͏͏͏͏͏͏Dec 29, 2022
@taedryn I don't really do it anymore should I say never or a few times a year?
Show threadZed_CzarDec 29, 2022
@taedryn Hi. I think 'fantasise' is a complex term here. Some will read it as 'have a sexual fantasy about', some will read it as 'imagine', some as 'wish I was'. Which did you mean?
Show threadBraytheDec 29, 2022
@taedryn Didn’t answer this poll, because „not at all“ is missing. I’d be curious what the experience is like, but it’s more „scientifically wondering“ than „fantasising“ - the latter feels way more intense.
Show thread@[email protected]Dec 29, 2022
@taedryn It happens, but not with any regularity, and I'm not sure how much of it is "questioning" as much as it is trying out different thought patterns.
Show threadSimon EiltingDec 29, 2022

@taedryn I (cis m) used to think girls had it so much easier (and they were also pretty!), so fantasized a whole lot when I was young.

Now I think that gender is something that other people do to me, and that it has very little to do with who I actually am.

Show threadCrazy PonyDec 29, 2022
@taedryn i want to be out of gender at all, to make a statement that i am definitely not the "horny single cis male" that heteronormative clubs and events assume me to be
Show threadOmni Qi 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈❤️😸Dec 30, 2022
@taedryn @crazy_pony yay a non-binary sibling? But yeah, heteronormative often comes with nonbinary erasure and transphobic 😞
Show threadCrazy PonyDec 30, 2022

@OmniQi @taedryn

My experience of the people and clubs/events in Bavaria is not intentionally transphobic, its structurally built and measuring all to the standards of hetero couples

Show threadautistic_enby Dec 29, 2022
@taedryn hmm, keep in mind that there is a good chance some of the cis people who answered could be closeted trans. It seems like transfem people tend to cluster around certain interests, so the propagation of this poll through the social network might have some bias.
Show threadDarnell Clayton Dec 29, 2022

@taedryn Never for me. Women are unfortunately terrorized on this planet. I hear of what many go through on a daily basis & I am surprised they have not all banded together & gone Wakanda upon the world.

Yeah, I am content being a dude!

Show threadIpstenu (Mika E.) 🏳️‍🌈Dec 29, 2022

@taedryn my wife says “I wanted the social benefits” so add that on to your list.

But I wonder if that result changes with correlation to queers.

Show threadAlison CroggonDec 29, 2022
@ipstenu @taedryn Yes, I resented that some people said I was lesser because I wasn't a man. I resented that I struggled more because the things I did, that were considered unexceptionable for men, were not for women (or said, as an alleged compliment, that I wrote "like a man" - see Le Guin on "Pretend-a-Hims".)
Show threadAlison CroggonDec 29, 2022
@ipstenu @taedryn My father wanted a son and I wasn't one, as the oldest grandchild on both sides of the family I was a disappointment. I also didn't like being told off because I wasn't conventionally feminine enough. But I never felt that I didn't want to be a woman, I just wanted the freedoms/privileges I saw men enjoying.
Show threadAlison CroggonDec 29, 2022
@ipstenu @taedryn Straight white cis woman here ftr
Show threadMaurie J ManningDec 29, 2022
@alisoncroggon @ipstenu @taedryn Same. I was so jealous of my younger brother who took out the trash instead of doing dishes, was allowed on the roof to help my father fix things, and never got called "bossy" or "aggressive" for speaking up. 👍
Show threadIpstenu (Mika E.) 🏳️‍🌈Dec 29, 2022
@mauriejmanning @alisoncroggon @taedryn I wish I could thank Dad again for being anti gender norms. I got to do everything from cooking to adding the tape deck to the car… because our car was so old it barely had a radio.
Show threadAlison CroggonDec 29, 2022
@mauriejmanning @taedryn @ipstenu What a great dad!
Show threadIpstenu (Mika E.) 🏳️‍🌈Dec 29, 2022
@mauriejmanning @alisoncroggon @taedryn Like everyone, he had flaws (personal hygiene was a big one) but he was a great human.
Show threadMaurie J ManningDec 29, 2022
@ipstenu @alisoncroggon @taedryn Nice! My parents were Catholics and followed traditional roles. Mom was stay-at-home, and worked hard at homemaking. The 6 of us kids did manage to modernize our parents' gender expectations EVENTUALLY over the years, as most of us personally bucked against society-ordered gender roles.
Show threadstadtfräuleinDec 29, 2022
@alisoncroggon @ipstenu @taedryn I can relate so much. I just wanted the same freedom, privileges, safety, body-autonomy and certainties that men automatically get by birth, but never not being a woman.