endlich fertig gezeichnet, Ölkreiden und weicher Bleistift

auf der Rast bei einer Wanderung durch den verschneiten Winterwald Anfang Januar, direkt an der Schnellstrasse gegenüber von Ikea

#UrbanSketching #UrbanSketchersMunich #USK #USKMunich #Skizzenbuch #SketchBook #ImmerZeichnen #OilPastels #Wachskreide #QueerArtist #NonbinaryArtist #TransArtist #VisualDiary

Ölpastell, zum ersten Mal mit Palettenmesser

Ostfriedhof, im Hintergrund das Moshammer Mausoleum

#QueerArtist #NonbinaryArtist #TransArtist #VisualDiary #OilPastels #Wachskreide #Skizzenbuch #SketchBook #ImmerZeichnen

sollte sie noch viel öfter zeichnen

#Aquarell #watercolor #SchminckeHoradam #QueerArtist #NonbinaryArtist #TransArtist #VisualDiary #Skizzenbuch #SketchBook #ImmerZeichnen

Deep in the woods - colored pencil on Bristol (240gsm), 42 x 29.7 cm

After I decided to stop making music, in favor of focusing more solely on drawing and painting, one aspect of my experience of music-making became very clear: it's an extreme struggle, like, 99% of the time. Only occasionally you get to exist in states that make you feel invigorated, or thrilled, or confident. While those rare instances would occur in wildly different scenarios, the common denominator was that new music was being made. It was exciting, and true, and beautiful. Soon enough, though, it all became tedious work, and that initial sense of awe quickly turned into sensory memory, a faint light in a dense fog, doing its best to keep me motivated.

This drawing is really the equivalent of those rare musical experiences. But the thing is that they are much more readily available, and can happen much more frequently, in the case of drawing and painting. Upon starting to draw this one, I set out to do something purely based on my needing that tingling, satisfying sensation when you realize that there is something there, on the substrate, something real. It was pretty late and my little workspace was dimly lit. Two pencils, one sheet of paper, and about 20 minutes of work. And that was enough.

Obviously, not all drawings or paintings can be like this. Some deserve, and, indeed, demand, to be worked on more thoroughly. But we should all know by now that meaningful experiences of pictures certainly doesn't depend upon that kind of approach. A study, a sketch, or - as in my case - a quick and need-based drawing; they can all be important. In the end it doesn't matter what you call a particular picture, what matters is the experience. And to me, there's a whole universe in this drawing. Which isn't to suggest, of course, that there is for anyone else. But still.

#ColoredPencilDrawing #ColoredPencil #Drawing #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials

Charlee - acrylic, wax pastel, and colored pencil on paper (95gsm), 29.7 x 21 cm

Out of all of the Charl**s I've known, there's especially one whose face still feels so much like home, even though I haven't seen them in decades. No wonder, then, that this face was one of the things I started drawing during the last big staff meeting, when one manager - very white, very straight, very cis, and very middle-class - started talking about rainbows, and how we're all different. The mockumentaries are true, evidently. And so is my resistance.

When I finished it, a couple of days later, it became very clear to me that I'm on a new path now. Sure, we're always traveling, and sure, the destination, in the sense of a specific place, might not be what's important - or even exist. Still, it can be more or less apparent that you've actually gone walkabout. And that's what I realized. Not really sure why, but part of it was how this picture, to me, drifts between some kind of realism/naturalism, and something that's beyond that. For sure, that's where I want to be. What's not that certain to me, is the how, the what, and, perhaps mostly, the why of it all. And I don't mean that literally, in the sense that the why has to be specified in propositional form. Rather, I think of it as a tacit knowledge, emerging from experiences, practices, and reflections. An implicit certainty, a sense throughout your being that there are reasons, perhaps even causes, as to why you're doing what you're doing.

All in all, I feel I'm really struggling now. But at least I'm on this path, and at least this kind of struggle means I've gotten somewhere along it.

#Acrylicpainting #Acrylic #WaxPastelDrawing #WaxPastel #ColoredPencilDrawing #ColoredPencil #Painting #Drawing #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials

Yaz - wax pastel, acrylic, and colored pencil on paper (185gsm), 42 x 29.7 cm

I wasn't sure about posting this one, mostly because of doubt, shame, and you know - the usual. So the part of me who's a bit more stable, calm, and collected, had to step in and tell it like it is. 'Cause I'm not here to chase a certain amount of likes, or participate in some kind of unspoken competition measuring worth, progress and quality numerically. No. Fuck that. I'm a fedizen because I know I belong here, and I share my pictures because I want to be part of a community of artists. I want to see and experience, every day, what you're making. I want to talk about my own struggles and weaknesses, precisely because I'm uninterested in denying them. And when I realize that that's the case, doubt and shame quickly lose the upper hand.

The story of this picture is really a story of lack of inspiration and creative energy. In fact, that became the point of departure - to try to do something interesting out of an uninspired, almost lethargic, start. Basically I did what I've done so many times before when I've struggled really hard: I kept layering and layering and layering. Colored pencils, primer, wax pastels, varnish, acrylics - whatever. Only this time I didn't stop until the picture started to breathe, until it started to become a face in which I could find rest. 'Cause that's what Yaz, and a few other people. were to me, albeit for an extremely brief moment in time. They constituted a space, and it was the only space I wanted to exist within; day and night, weekdays and weekends (and I did). And reaching that kind of a state with a picture, is always - always! - enough.

#ColoredPencilDrawing #ColoredPencil #WaxPastelDrawing #WaxPastel #Drawing #AcrylicPainting #Painting #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials

Sol - acrylic, colored pencil, and wax pastel on black cardboard (300gsm), 50 x 35 cm

Late one night in the late 2000s, outside a queer club or something, Sol repeatedly kept asking if they could kiss me. I really, really wanted to, but something held me back. As soon as I started to approach them, these flashing images appeared before me of what a future would look like if I did kiss them - and it wasn't good. I knew I couldn't give Sol what they wanted, so I had to give them nothing at all, not even a trace of what I actually felt. It was, indeed, a powerful moment. And it's certainly one of the strangest experiences of intimacy in my life, though also one of the most important. So, even if my memory of Sol is of their - more or less constant - infectious smile and laughter, I wanted to paint/draw them in a more vulnerable or sincere state, 'cause that's what I saw in those flashing images that night.

Right from the start, this painting/drawing was, of course, a challenge. A black surface is always intimidating to me, 'cause it's so easy to start off too bright, and then lose track of the values. The fact that cardboard is so absorbent, helped a bit with that, though. What also helped was that I decided to use only small brushes, and use them kind of in the same way I use the pencils and wax pastels. In the end, and inevitably, layering was the key to solving this painting/drawing. I enjoy that, obviously, but it sure was mentally and emotionally exhausting. All good, then.

#AcrylicPainting #ColoredPencilDrawing #WaxPastelDrawing #Acrylic #ColoredPencil #WaxPastel #Painting #Drawing #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials

Buntstiftskizzen

#QueerArtist #NonbinaryArtist #TransArtist #VisualDiary #Buntstifte #Skizzenbuch #SketchBook #ImmerZeichnen

Ishu - wax pastel and acrylic on paperboard (220gsm), 50 x 35 cm

Today I heard someone talk about the value of accepting who you are as an artist. It's good to hear things like that once in a while, even if you're already aware of them. Perhaps it's slightly differently worded, and makes the tiniest little light shine in an ill-lit corner of your mind, which eventually makes you do something you otherwise wouldn't have. One should never underestimate the power of repetition.

So, this is me actively trying to accept who I am. At least who I am sometimes. 'Cause sometimes when I'm eager and sorta creatively energetic, I happen to see things on the paper and just go with it. Wherever the drawing/painting wants to go. Experientially, it's a peculiar mix of amazement and frustration. With a dash of shame. But honesty can never be anything but good, I tell myself. Even though I'm resisting, I know that's true - not only from a perspective of well-being, but also to enable a real exploration of all of those things called "mistakes," which potentially hold something truly interesting. And that's why this kind of acceptance is so important.

#WaxPastelDrawing #WaxPastel #Drawing #AcrylicPainting #Painting #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials