Bloody Rite - acrylic on paper (300gsm), 40 x 50 cm
This painting could've easily ended up in that ever-growing pile of pictures I feel unsatisfied with. But it will forever be connected to a very specific experience of distress and anger, which in the end became something quite powerful. Now, I don't know exactly how to tell this story, but bear with me. I do have a point.
As for my day job, I haven't worked full-time for a long time. Partly because of mental health reasons, and the fact that I'm diagnosed with
#autism and
#adhd and working in academia. But also, quite simply, because I want to have a life. Do life stuff. Like painting and drawing. Frankly speaking though, I do put in more hours than I get paid for. It's not an ideal situation, in any way, and certainly not financially. But it's the least bad solution I've found.
So when some new manager comes barging in and start questioning me, lecturing me on this and that, and throws a million things at me, it naturally pisses me off. Not only that, it destabilizes that little sense of certainty I've managed to build up over the years, piece by piece. And I can't fight back the way I want to, because I know too well what it means to be poor and to not have a job (I was on welfare for many years). And so all that anger can't get out; turns into anxiety and sleeplessness. And, eventually, inability to paint the way I want to.
I was so mad at this person for, in a way, ruining my painting. And I just wanted to stop. But then it hit me: it is precisely in these situations one should paint. Or write. Or make music. Or whatever it is. The current world will never ever encourage our aesthetic endeavors (unless it's profitable, of course). We do it, and we take it seriously, despite that. It's not just about creating something that's "good," no, the act itself is meaningful, regardless of the outcome. And in that sense, it is also an act of resistance.
#AcrylicPainting #Acrylic #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials
Illi Anna Heger
gom (they/them)
ph4nt.
