Charlee - acrylic, wax pastel, and colored pencil on paper (95gsm), 29.7 x 21 cm

Out of all of the Charl**s I've known, there's especially one whose face still feels so much like home, even though I haven't seen them in decades. No wonder, then, that this face was one of the things I started drawing during the last big staff meeting, when one manager - very white, very straight, very cis, and very middle-class - started talking about rainbows, and how we're all different. The mockumentaries are true, evidently. And so is my resistance.

When I finished it, a couple of days later, it became very clear to me that I'm on a new path now. Sure, we're always traveling, and sure, the destination, in the sense of a specific place, might not be what's important - or even exist. Still, it can be more or less apparent that you've actually gone walkabout. And that's what I realized. Not really sure why, but part of it was how this picture, to me, drifts between some kind of realism/naturalism, and something that's beyond that. For sure, that's where I want to be. What's not that certain to me, is the how, the what, and, perhaps mostly, the why of it all. And I don't mean that literally, in the sense that the why has to be specified in propositional form. Rather, I think of it as a tacit knowledge, emerging from experiences, practices, and reflections. An implicit certainty, a sense throughout your being that there are reasons, perhaps even causes, as to why you're doing what you're doing.

All in all, I feel I'm really struggling now. But at least I'm on this path, and at least this kind of struggle means I've gotten somewhere along it.

#Acrylicpainting #Acrylic #WaxPastelDrawing #WaxPastel #ColoredPencilDrawing #ColoredPencil #Painting #Drawing #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials

Yaz - wax pastel, acrylic, and colored pencil on paper (185gsm), 42 x 29.7 cm

I wasn't sure about posting this one, mostly because of doubt, shame, and you know - the usual. So the part of me who's a bit more stable, calm, and collected, had to step in and tell it like it is. 'Cause I'm not here to chase a certain amount of likes, or participate in some kind of unspoken competition measuring worth, progress and quality numerically. No. Fuck that. I'm a fedizen because I know I belong here, and I share my pictures because I want to be part of a community of artists. I want to see and experience, every day, what you're making. I want to talk about my own struggles and weaknesses, precisely because I'm uninterested in denying them. And when I realize that that's the case, doubt and shame quickly lose the upper hand.

The story of this picture is really a story of lack of inspiration and creative energy. In fact, that became the point of departure - to try to do something interesting out of an uninspired, almost lethargic, start. Basically I did what I've done so many times before when I've struggled really hard: I kept layering and layering and layering. Colored pencils, primer, wax pastels, varnish, acrylics - whatever. Only this time I didn't stop until the picture started to breathe, until it started to become a face in which I could find rest. 'Cause that's what Yaz, and a few other people. were to me, albeit for an extremely brief moment in time. They constituted a space, and it was the only space I wanted to exist within; day and night, weekdays and weekends (and I did). And reaching that kind of a state with a picture, is always - always! - enough.

#ColoredPencilDrawing #ColoredPencil #WaxPastelDrawing #WaxPastel #Drawing #AcrylicPainting #Painting #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials

Sol - acrylic, colored pencil, and wax pastel on black cardboard (300gsm), 50 x 35 cm

Late one night in the late 2000s, outside a queer club or something, Sol repeatedly kept asking if they could kiss me. I really, really wanted to, but something held me back. As soon as I started to approach them, these flashing images appeared before me of what a future would look like if I did kiss them - and it wasn't good. I knew I couldn't give Sol what they wanted, so I had to give them nothing at all, not even a trace of what I actually felt. It was, indeed, a powerful moment. And it's certainly one of the strangest experiences of intimacy in my life, though also one of the most important. So, even if my memory of Sol is of their - more or less constant - infectious smile and laughter, I wanted to paint/draw them in a more vulnerable or sincere state, 'cause that's what I saw in those flashing images that night.

Right from the start, this painting/drawing was, of course, a challenge. A black surface is always intimidating to me, 'cause it's so easy to start off too bright, and then lose track of the values. The fact that cardboard is so absorbent, helped a bit with that, though. What also helped was that I decided to use only small brushes, and use them kind of in the same way I use the pencils and wax pastels. In the end, and inevitably, layering was the key to solving this painting/drawing. I enjoy that, obviously, but it sure was mentally and emotionally exhausting. All good, then.

#AcrylicPainting #ColoredPencilDrawing #WaxPastelDrawing #Acrylic #ColoredPencil #WaxPastel #Painting #Drawing #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials

Ishu - wax pastel and acrylic on paperboard (220gsm), 50 x 35 cm

Today I heard someone talk about the value of accepting who you are as an artist. It's good to hear things like that once in a while, even if you're already aware of them. Perhaps it's slightly differently worded, and makes the tiniest little light shine in an ill-lit corner of your mind, which eventually makes you do something you otherwise wouldn't have. One should never underestimate the power of repetition.

So, this is me actively trying to accept who I am. At least who I am sometimes. 'Cause sometimes when I'm eager and sorta creatively energetic, I happen to see things on the paper and just go with it. Wherever the drawing/painting wants to go. Experientially, it's a peculiar mix of amazement and frustration. With a dash of shame. But honesty can never be anything but good, I tell myself. Even though I'm resisting, I know that's true - not only from a perspective of well-being, but also to enable a real exploration of all of those things called "mistakes," which potentially hold something truly interesting. And that's why this kind of acceptance is so important.

#WaxPastelDrawing #WaxPastel #Drawing #AcrylicPainting #Painting #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials

Marbin - wax pastel, acrylic and primer on paperboard (220gsm), 50 x 35 cm

As with most people in my life whom I've referred to as my friends, Marbin is in many ways virtually the opposite of me, eg. talkative, optimistic, easygoing; the life of the party, as it were, though in a selfless, lovely way. Obviously that isn't an exhaustive account of their personality, but differences matter, don't they? In fact, isn't it in the differences we find that which characterize a relationship, that which gives it its specific form, and nuance? I think so. I also think such differences have the ability to create a particular space, within which we can encounter all kinds of forces pulling us in directions which we could never muster on our own. That's merely one reason why we need each other so much.

This drawing was all about finding the space that is, or perhaps was, my friendship with Marbin. I've drawn them before, but never felt satisfied. For most of the time I spent on this drawing, I thought I'd failed, once again. But at the very end it started to come together, at least enough to be solved, by virtue of just a few strokes and marks. I think I have to attribute that to the wax pastels. They're so flexible, and I can make revisions and changes quite easily. Don't think I've ever experienced my vision of "drawing like I paint," as much as I have with them.

#WaxPastelDrawing #WaxPastel #Drawing #Acrylic #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials

Sofa - wax pastel on paper (90gsm), 42 x 29.7 cm

For the longest time I was convinced that figurative drawing and painting wasn't for me, and what I should (and could) do, was non-representational artworks. I did these kind of geometrical pieces using yarn on paper for quite some time. They were extremely time-consuming, and though somewhat rewarding, they were never really deeply important or attached to me. By chance, more or less, I discovered how powerful figurative drawing/painting can be; it enabled me to be in contact with people whom I've lost - one way or the other. Sometimes people I've known personally or intimately, sometimes just people and relationships I've longed for. A great deal of my life consists of these latter imaginations, rather than actual friendships or other relationships. I try to accept all of that, as well as accept that it's a huge part of what I draw and paint. Just to be able to be there, on a sofa, with lovely friends.

#WaxPastelDrawing #WaxPastel #Drawing #NonbinaryArtist #VeganArtMaterials