I realized recently that I don't think I've seriously revisited my scripture writing project since my dad died in 2023. I tried to get back into it a couple of time, but omg that place I came from and how sick I was. Considering that I *wrote it* while sick in the first place is a real testament to how awful things got.

I had all but 3-4 planned chapters finished, with even a few edit passes. (I need to keep re-reading it as I pick it back up, and just edit as I go.) So like, it's *almost* ready for people to see it. So close.

I had tried to sell it the season before dad died, but there's really only like, one place that would be a good fit for this weird little gremlin. And they rejected it.

At this point, I'm kinda sorta thinking of just putting it online. I've been thinking about doing an indie web site anyway, and this is just the sort of weird little text you could easily find on the 90s internet.

I just read chapter 2 and it's solid.

idk. I felt called to write this thing to express the insights I'd gained while trying to stay alive enduring unbearable pain for so long. And as a project to see if I could untangle the authoritarian aspects of Mormonism, to see what a truly expansive, inclusive, diversity-embracing version of Mormon doctrine could look like.

It's my Secular Woke Hermeneutics of Mormonism in the vibe of Alan Watts and Carl Sagan. My speculative theology. My sequel to Recovering Agency after deconstruction. It's the "So now what?"

It feels right. It feels like a calling. I feel like I'm coming up for air now and want to do something with it.

#exmo #exmormon #ReligiousTrauma #ScriptureWriting

It's interesting to think of god as a scientist who created this simulation, and each of our awarenesses and memories are data-points of what it is like to experience this reality.

All of these words are really stand-ins for concepts which can't be put into human words or even human constructs. But I think this direction quite often.

god probably isn't a being the way we think of beings. Daddy in the sky is not the appropriate metaphor for this way of thinking about god.

Maybe that means there are realities where the rules are different, and then our body of experiences can be compared to the experiences of awarenesses there to understand how a higher level of reality works.

I find a lot of purpose in this, that my collection of data and the meaning I've discovered about how this reality works is of benefit to "god," in how that will be compared to the conclusions and summaries of uncountable other awarenesses.

No matter what happens to me, I've contributed. All I have to do is think an observation, and it's of value. Nothing is "correct" or "true," just another datapoint in a vast, incomprehensible experiment.

I hardly even think that such a god created any of this, but instead arose naturally, as we did, out of the mixing and matching of all the things that are possible, happening.

It also stands to reason that there are many more than just one of these gods.

#ScriptureWriting #exmo #exmormon #ReligiousTrauma

Your emotions are senses, just like sight and sound. They are sensations passing through you, by you, that you happen to observe.

You are not your emotions.

Emotions can seem the same as the self because they are inside the body, not outside. And because we can exercise a little bit of conscious control on them.

But we can exercise a little conscious control over our other senses as well. I can close my eyes, look a different direction, squint, and move around or alter reality to change what my eyes take in. I can turn off a machine or tell someone to shut up or turn up the volume or switch songs to exert some control over what senses my ears register.

Emotions aren't much different. We can take actions to change what we feel, to a certain extent. I can change what I'm thinking about, practice acceptance, take a deep breath, go to the movies, take another hit (yes, please, I'm on a roll), or a number of other things to consciously change how I feel...

But the limits on this control are similar to those on touch, traste, smell, sight, and hearing. Sometimes you can't shut out unwanted sound, sometimes the song you want to hear isn't accessible, sometimes a bug bite will not stop itching, and sometimes you can't stop being mad or sad or happy no matter how hard you try.

One form of casual meditation I practice is I just watch my emotions. How am I reacting? What thoughts are coming up? How does my body feel? I'm not doing anything, just watching myself feel and do. I watch my emotions the same way I'd watch a TV show or listen to music. It's no different than listening to someone else talk.

🧵

#ScriptureWriting #enlightenment #spirituality

When we talk about reality or perception of reality as an illusion, ego is the part of the illusion to do with self and sense of self.

Ego deaths are breakthroughs where that part of the illusion falls away. When you are freed in various ways from your illusion of selfhood.

It is freeing.

#AbuseCulture #ScriptureWriting

All the universe wants from you is sensations. Doesn't have to be pleasant sensations or unpleasant sensations. Every sensation has a purpose when you are the universe delighting in sensing itself.

#ReclaimingEnlightenment #ScriptureWriting #ReligiousTrauma #philosophy