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Ah, this answers that then:
https://support.delta.chat/t/help-testing-upcoming-delta-chat-release-with-calls/4220/19
SO if I want to selfhost with my existing infra (DMS), then I'll probably have to run #CoTurn or similar next to it.
Unless #DeltaChat opts to use a 3rd party service in that case automatically.
Short answer: no. In order to always be able to connect, at least one of the parties has to use a Chatmail server, because Chatmail servers (will) come with a TURN server. Without a TURN server it’s not guaranteed that the two parties can connect to each other. Sometimes they still can, (by using just a STUN server, which is used even for non-Chatmail accounts), but in most cases they can not. AFAIK this is still under consideration, i.e. whether to just disable the “call” feature for non-Cha...
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Ooo k.
So.
Turn and #ejabberd .
TURNS out (ha ha), I really really DO need the really real external IP in the turn_ipv4_address: field.
All the various docs and sources were not joking.
STUN may or may not be working for me, but with the TURN IP set to my (DYNAMIC) external IP, I could make calls between a device on LAN and on mobile data.
Don't know yet about 2 different LANs, but I reckon it will work.
Which then brings me back to this hacky mess. again.
https://github.com/processone/ejabberd/issues/3278#issuecomment-675688303
That, or run #CoTurn on my VPS.
Neither solution is "great".
I'll have to think on this a bit.
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*sigh* so looks like #CoTurn does not really want you to use it with #eJabberd ( see https://landchad.net/coturn/ ).
In addition, dynamic FTTH external IP addresses are apparently not simpatico with the required TURN/STUN setup - seems you need all kinds of haxery to detect external IP changes, modify the ejabberd config, and then RESTART the beast, cause apparently reload_config is not currently enough.
FWIW, as far as I could glean, CoTurn would also need some massaging when the external IP changes.
Disclaimer: I might be missing information still!
BUT damn this sucks.
The whole entire point of STUN/TURN afaik is to help a client figure out their external situation.
In my mind, that INCLUDES situations where external IP is fluid. Seems such an obvious thing.
But apparently no. These things seems to come from a time where it as assumed the server would have a static IP.
Dammit.
And it seems the current devs running ejabberd has the same mindset.
Coturn is a libre STUN and TURN server software that allows users of internet applications or protocols (Such as XMPP and Matrix) to perform WebRTC voice and video calls despite them being behind NATs. If you want to add video and voice calling natively to your XMPP or Matrix server (or a myriad of various other applications), you’ll need to install Coturn and configure it appropriately. Note on ejabberd If you’re installing ejabberd, then you don’t need Coturn.
Few days ago I successfully configured #coturn to have a TURN/STUN server for in-family calls. But … looks like bots or some bad guys constantly trying to connect to my TURN server to use it for something :-(
Of course, it is impossible, since anonymous access or any other access without right key is impossible. But, there are no IPs of attackers in the log file, even wth "Verbose" directive — only my local and public IPs and my server's hostname 
Maybe, there is some way to force coturn to display IP addresses of connected clients, so I could ban them all with fail2ban?
So, der prosody #xmpp server läuft mit #coturn für Voice und Video, allen Features passen und wir haben 100% Compliance. Yay.
Mal sehen, was es jetzt wieder für einen Kampf wird, vom Test- auf den Prodserver umzuziehen.
Das letzte Zahnrad für die digitale Unabhängigkeit … #selfhosting
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