César PoseLately, there's been too much noise in my mind, residual activity generated by the amount of information I absorb from social media, the internet, messaging apps, and various other sources. This is becoming increasingly difficult for me. My body is aging with difficulty, and my brain is becoming more and more hypersensitive to stimuli. It's not without its challenges to be autistic, bipolar, and have the "curse of intellectual ability." And that's not even mentioning the metabolic and autoimmune problems that seem to worsen with each passing year and month.
Honestly, I'm exhausted, not from activities, stimulation, or relationships anymore, but from the mere fact of having to stay alive every day. From eating and defecating to breathing and sleeping, it involves a lot of difficulties, worry, and time that I have to dedicate to it daily. The very basic functioning of my body takes a heavy toll every single day.
I can still do things—go out, walk, read, program, play guitar—but I can hardly work on anything very demanding for more than one or two hours at a time. Living like this is becoming a real nightmare. I'm a burden to my wife, I have very little work, and I don't even earn enough to buy the medication I need and my food (which is becoming increasingly restricted).
I see people on the internet romanticizing the fact of having autoimmune diseases and mental illnesses or conditions, and I wonder if they really have them and understand how awful it is to live like that.
Every achievement he has had, everything he has done throughout his life loses all meaning when he reaches this situation.
One of the things I'm considering is gradually reducing my digital activity or even quitting it altogether, but I don't do it completely because it's one of those things that keeps me entertained and prevents me from going out into the street with a chainsaw and attacking anyone who looks at me the wrong way.
Okay, enough complaining. Maybe I shouldn't even be saying this here, but this is a place where there are people like me with similar problems, and they'll be able to understand my current mood.
I'm not saying this to ask for sympathy or hugs. It's just like I have a fart stuck in my soul and I want someone to hear it so I can laugh a little at my misfortunes.
I'll think of things to share, anecdotes, lessons learned, stories, poems and tales I have saved, as if to rescue light things to compensate for the shit of anguish.
Bye..
#actuallyautistic #bipolar #autism #bipolarlife #giftedness #autoimmunedisease #autoimmune #diabetes #thyroid #hashimoto #psoriasis #psoriaticarthritis
Scott Ninneman/SpeakingBipolar
