I have ADHD and Autism so my brain's reward mechanism is fundamentally broken.
I spent 30+ years dealing with undiagnosed gender dysphoria and eating things that were bad for me but tasted so good was my escape. I've got the obesity to prove it.
Food was a reliable way for me to get a boost, to feel good. But Wegovy took that away from me and it made me mad at first.
I didn't even know I had an eating disorder until Wegovy cured it. Suddenly, my primary dopamine source just wasn't hitting like it used to and it felt weird and wrong.
Even after I started to transition, food was still my primary way to get a boost. It's actually embarrassing how often I think about food and the effect it has on me.
But then I was prescribed Wegovy because I was prediabetic. And it turned off the switch.
It was like a magic trick.
Insurance covered it for $25 / month.
And for nine months, food was no longer my illicit lover.
I lost 40 pounds like it was nothing.
Then my insurance stopped covering it.
It would be $1,600 / month.
So I stopped taking it. I had to.
Now I'm on Vyvanse which is for ADHD but, at higher doses, also can help with binge eating disorder. I'm not at the target dose yet.
I've gained back all of the weight I lost.
The "food noise" thoughts aren't as intense, but once I start eating, it is hard to stop. Just thinking about eating can get me going so I try not to.
I mean, I had a prescription medication that fixed it, that completely eliminated the problem.
Cured it.
But now I can't have it because insurance changed its fucking mind about covering it.
Now their guidelines say that under no circumstances other than a full-blown diabetes diagnosis will they cover any of the GLP-1 drugs. And even when they do, they will only cover the ones explicitly approved for diabetes: Ozympic, Wegovy, and Mounjaro.
It just doesn't seem right. It stopped the problem that is pushing me toward diabetes but I can't have it until I already have diabetes.
I hate this about myself.
I've accepted that I'm bisexual, that I'm transgender, that I have ADHD, that I'm on the autism spectrum.
But this having a binge eating disorder still feels like a personal failing, a moral failing, like I should have done something differently, like it is my fault.
I hate it about myself. I hate that I have the dumbeset eating disorder. I tell myself, "Just stop eating, idiot" but it's not that easy. I wish it was. It should be. It isn't. Why isn't it that easy?
This is a fucking addiction and that's stupid. Addicted to food? Right. Aren't we all addicted to food because if we don't eat, we die? Duh.
It's so dumb. But here it is.
#BingeEatingDisorder #EatingDisorder