"Hey, one last thing, before I head out," she said.

"Sure," he said, typing furiously on his mechanical keyboard, and not breaking eye contact with monitor.

"That firewall rule you put in for me a month or so ago, you remember that one?"

"Yep," He replied, the percussive keys still click clacking away.

"You can remove or disable that rule, we don't need it anymore, we stopped testing that software."

The keystrokes abruptly stopped. Silence filled the office for the first time that day.

"Everything ok?" She asked.

At this point he was looking down at his LED backed keys, but he managed to pluck up the courage turn and face her. They made eye contact for the first time since the start of their conversation.

A single tear rolled down his face.

"Whats wrong?!" She exclaimed, now concerned she had accidentally unearthed some deeply buried emotion.

"Nothings wrong, everything is fine" he was quick to reassure her, grabbing a tissue to wipe away the tear. "It's just, it's... that's the first time anyone has ever said that to me."

"Said what?" She enquired, genuinely confused.

"Said I can remove or disable a firewall rule, and I've been doing this for 25 years," the tears were flowing faster now. "It was just a beautiful moment."

Twenty five years ago this month I was diagnosed with cancer. First of all I just want to say, look at me, still here. I'm pretty happy about that.

But twenty five years ago, for a year my and my family's life revolved around surgery, chemo and radiation. And then the best part of a decade of medications with with their 'tolerated' side effects. And still the sneaky little blighter tried to stage a comeback a few years in, but we evicted it.

Twenty five years is a while, so my medical experiences are not current but there are a few things I learnt in that year and the ones after and I'd like to say them out loud -

Cancer did not make me a better person. It did not make me re-evaluate my life and see the world in a new perspective. It might for some people, but it just made me tired and grumpy. And intolerant of people's bullshit.

It was not a blessing in disguise. Having people tell me there had to be a silver lining or that everything happens for a reason was not helpful.

Everyone has their own approach. Mine was evidenced based western medicine. Random strangers (no friends, I'm glad to say), telling me I was poisoning myself was not helpful. I was poisoning *it*, the side effects on me were necessary collateral damage

The most important thing my friends did for me was to be normal. Doing stuff we usually did - grabbing a coffee, going out for a meal, seeing a movie. I was thinking about cancer every waking minute, respite from that was what I needed

The other day someone reminded me I told them this - One of the women in my support group talked about how hard it was not to cry in front of her kids. The facilitator asked, what message are you sending to your kids if, when something this bad happens, it's not okay to cry? This is one of the most important things I've ever learnt. Hiding your feeling doesn't let people in and it's not a viable strategy for longer than half a second. 1/2

#cancer #science #luck #ReflectionOnLife #HappyToBeHere

Turns out democracy dies in the clear light of day as well. Cancelling a subscription this morning.

#WashingtonPost