It's amazing when you grow up changing yourself to fit into every context and then you find out about the concept of "masking" and realise that there's a name for that ability you have but then you realise you don't know who you really are.
Since I was a child I've been gathering data and perpetually evaluating my environment, the way people act within it and moderating my behaviour and role so as not to cause any interruption or drama within the world of that genre. I have learnt scripts to get me through so I don't set off any alarms that I don't belong. I feel like an alien, like I am concealing something from everybody.
In my 40s I have started to find people and places where I don't feel the pressure to put on that mask. My role is just to be. Knowing my core values and acting upon them has guided me, and following my interests has led me to people and places where I can use funny voices, talk at length about my interests, express my joys and my worries, embody my natural feeling movements and generally just explore myself.
My whole life I have yearned for a home in my body and mind, and it feels nice to settle in here.
#neurodivergent #neurospicy