Mastodawn

Rads

499 Followers

20 Following

14 Posts

Everything in moderation, except for snacks. twitch.tv/its_radsy

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I'll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don't know how to tell you this

*a radiant angel appears, shining in the middle of the sky before me*

me: *gasp* A vision from God!

*the angel starts to preen aggressively. It yanks out several wing feathers with its teeth before fluffing up real big and staring at me*

me: Okay… is that, uh… what?

*the vision ends*

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

@AndrewNadeau a classic, a favorite, a banger, a smash

[after leaving willy wonka’s factory]
me:
wife:
me:
wife:
me:
wife: lot of deaths for a to—
me: a LOT of deaths for a tour!

@koalaslament I was about to say that I had to “tweet” it before someone else did. Guess now I have to say something like… “it had to be [masto]don”

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

i should never have gone back to school

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

Can I buy you a drink?
"I don't drink."
*panics* Oh. Um...well, here's $12.