ME: I may have failed my gross anatomy course, but at least my heart was in the right place.
PROFESSOR (looking at the cadaver): No...no it's not.
SirEviscerate 
@SirEviscerate
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I guess we're doing this again. (Header credit: linnell3000 on IG)
In retrospect, it was a bad idea to steal the fire extinguisher from my job, but I think all my co-workers would have agreed that the propellant looks like real snow on my model train set
Psychologist: Are you familiar with the concept of compartmentalization?
Waffle: It's kind of my entire deal.
Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.
[Medieval monastery]
Abbot: Did you draw in the margins of this bible?
Me: Yeah, it's called illumination. Very fancy.
Abbot: *opens book* Is this a tree growing dicks instead of fruit?
Me: lol yeah
geekystevenOh no, someone hacked into my 7-Up fan site by figuring out my secret password, "CoolSpotRules" That wasn't very uncola of them.
Awkward. Accidentaly said "you too" to a coworker who said "sorry for your loss", and now I have to kill one of their loved ones to save face.
Contributing to the Butlerian Jihad by punting a Furby into the fireplace
🏳️⚧️ FTP of the Elders of ZionIt is morally wrong to want a computer to be sentient. If you owned a sentient thing, you would be a slaver. If you want sentient computers to exist, you just want to create a new kind of slavery. The ethics are as simple as that. Sorry if this offends
Yelling "REPRESENTATIVE! REPRESENTATIVE!" at a human call center worker until they start to sincerely doubt their humanity