i just don't have the energy to use a word like lackadaisical

cancel culture, but it's just me pulling the covers back over my head

If you love it, put a ring around it and politely request that the ancient ones cast your beloved in stone for all eternity.

As soon as someone notices me walking across a room, I become as graceful as a new born giraffe

I went to the gigantic Carvana car vending machine and saw that somebody’s car had dropped and got stuck so I bought the car above it to dislodge it and now I own two smashed cars!

Love yourself despite the stuff you know about yourself

The bells toll and toll and toll, but not for thee. There was an error in our billing department. Enjoy this gift card for the ringing dark inconvenience.