Mastodawn

#batteries #electronics #lithium

It gets confused whether to charge the other powerbank or take charge from the powerbank.

I've done some cycles on it with the spare 18650 batteries I have. I just have a ton of those things now lol. Of course I discharged the ones I don't use till my multimeter reads around 3.7 to 3.6 on them

As for solar side of things, it's been pretty alright. I can charge a powerbank there. I honestly don't remember the last time I used a travel adapter to charge my phone

#electronics #repair #diy #solar #solarpanels #fallout #bethesda

Yeah I don't have a serious solar setup. I don't have money anymore. That said, it didn't stop me from buying a glue gun and a USB powered soldering iron ! I still have to test it though.

I've forgotten how to solder properly but I'll remember it. After all it was part of some training I had back then.

So far I've been "speech checking" my parents to give me cash, "choosing the right dialog" Fallout-esque style..

Otherwise they wouldn't fund my hobbies and I'll just be stuck having these cool ideas I wanna do but will never be able to do, and then I'll forget about it and I won't have the drive and passion anymore.

*sigh* That's how hard life is with terrible parents. Smart people my age who have nice loving parents are probably thriving and flourishing right now.

I'm just stagnating. I wanna do stuff but what the fuck even is confidence.

I'll keep carrying on though. Better be stagnating but trying to still do stuff than become a delinquent, robbing and making other people's lives miserable.

Although I'd be lying if it didn't cross my mind to steal stuff from my parents just to be able to fund and do my interests and hobbies.

I don't think it'll come to that point cos my conscience wouldn't like it. I'd prolly end up lying on my bed staring at the wall, wondering what could I have become if my parents were supportive.

Thinking about it, it's not far off from me committing suicide. I mean people who committed suicide have wasted their potential. I'm alive yet I feel dead, I'm wasting my potential and I'm growing old.

The difference is that I'm still alive and can turn my life around if I can just get out of here cos I'm choking in here

A dead person wouldn't be able to do such a thing. It's a one way trip. It does leave a lasting impact on close relatives and friends. They become part of a statistic though.

I won't commit suicide though. Hell, even if I tried, I physically can't. Suicide is like me drinking water if I have rabies. My body reacts violently just thinking about doing self-harm. It feels the same as "cringe" but you can feel it in your bones and your body just moves on its own.

It's probably the self-preservation thingy deep down. I mean I'm still a bear deep down after all so yeah. Safe to say I'm immune to suicide.

More about suicide though, I'd be lying if I feel indifferent towards those who are suffering through depression.

I mean sure it sucks to feel like not getting out of bed but if you're "normal" like most people, you probably have someone you can turn to, like a friend offline or online, a family member, some relative, or a colleague. Surely there's someone you can turn to. Therapists! Suicide hotlines. They probably help, idk.

I don't think I have someone to turn to honestly. It's a head scratcher but nobody really cares about me. Hell my mum even said at one point she regrets that she brought me to this world.

It kinda hurts but at that point, I knew I couldn't trust on the very people I thought was someone who at least cared about me. Something like that.

My dad's no different. Physically abusive as fuck when I was little. More like a dud haha

And of course I haven't had friends for 6 years.

It really crippled my confidence. I worked on it for 6 years. The same amount of time I changed for the better & learn from my mistakes

I might be writing confidently but I'm powerless over my doubts and fears. I know it's all in the mind & I could just flick a switch in my mind to turn my brain off and become dumb but idk. I'll reserve it for when I'm confident that I'm hopeless trying to make sense of my life haha. I'm getting close there tho and y'all might just hear me speak on streams lol

I tried a session with a therapist but I don't think I can commit to it. I'd rather be distracted doing something I like doing than engage myself with people.

It's been a long while since the last time I had a friend that if somebody becomes buddies with me, I just think they're only in it for personal gains. Most people are fairweather friends themselves too. They're those friends who are nowhere to be found when you're down and out so I couldn't help but end up hurting them inadvertently. Idk

Doesn't help that people have fragile egos. Whatever my ego was, it's done and dusted by my parents so idk I guess I'm immune to my ego being broken cos I never had one in the first place, I don't have the ability to recognize my own self-worth.

I have so many non functional "pieces" of "what makes a person a person "I'm still surprised I can still do things, but out there I'm literally a dead bear walking

I kinda wish someone would put me out of my misery, lol

I'm still afraid of dying but if I die later, tomorrow, or sometime in the future, I probably won't even remember moments in my life.

But hey, if I die, I get to become part of nature, literally ! I'm in the soil, air, the plants that'll grow on my corpse, and all that stuff. I wanted to become part of nature so what better way to become part of nature is offer my bear body back when that time comes haha