And yeah the voice in my head is gone cos I killed it 3 or 4 years ago. It was a remnant from my old self. I "operate" mainly on gut feels now, which means there's literally nothing in my brain when I'm by myself aside from hunger, thirst and sleepiness

I also haven't experienced intense anxiety very much. I know I'm growing old, I'm getting more gray hair and I'm wasting time but nothing else matters more than the amount of sleep I'm getting right now because eventually I will be sleeping outside this house, without warmth

Right now I've been fine sleeping on the floor, without a bed with just 1 pillow. The goal is to be able to sleep anywhere, even if it's cold, damp, and dirty...

Ahahah I'm getting "off-script" again. I gtg nap.

#mastodon

What I've noticed though is that my memory sucks now. I more often experience where I place my phone or screwdriver 10 seconds ago and I spend 5 - 10 minutes looking for it, only to find it tucked on my chair or table.

I may be using Arch and some other distros like fedora, debian, and void but I honestly "feel" dumber than the people that's around my age.

Most 19 - 23 year olds seem to "have it together". While I'm still trying to make sense of something, those people have moved on to another topic 5 minutes ago.

I've also noticed my vocabulary shrunk. I mean, what's the use of having vocabulary if you're not even gonna use them for writing and talking a lot for multiple years.

I guess those are the costs of being alone for 6 years. Your memory becomes worse, but I think it's alright cos back then I used to worry easily when I was more "intelligent". I sometimes tend to forget I was even worried when I'm focused on a thing.

#archlinux #fedora #voidlinux #debian #linux #mastodon

Of course I still do stuff with all the time I have for myself. I'm not terminally online haha. Most stuff I know dates back in 2020.

I've slept a ton that I eventually learned how to switch dreams like it's watching on the ol' telly and I can now noclip through walls while my subconscious "renders" the area.

It's only happened once but I can feel my brain "rendering" areas of the map in my dream and it kinda tickles ! It's like I was feeling the electricity flowing in my brain.

Of course I'm very much aware it's all a dream so yeah. I've pretty much mastered lucid dreaming over the years. I wish I can noclip in real life just like in my dreams so I can get to the backrooms !

#sleep #dreams #backrooms #mastodon

I mean, I literally cannot hurt myself. My paw would stop from cutting myself intentionally.. The idea of killing myself makes me wanna throw up the more I press it on.

Like I said before, suicide is like drinking water for me if rabies had progressed to the point it's incurable.

As pathetic my old self was, he really made sure I will never end up like him. But I wonder if he didn't set those up.

I don't think any human in their 20's can survive 6 years without anybody to talk to about "deep stuff", lean and cry on, hug, have fun with, etc. without going insane and totally losing their minds. I'm still sane !

I've yet to meet someone who's like me but in their 20's. So far I've never met anyone like me. I guess I'm one of a kind in this world haha

#mastodon #depression #suicide #selfharm

That's the awesome thing about being a nobody. It's still good to be mindful about the rules in the place, but whatever you do doesn't hold any weight. It doesn't matter at all. You might as well not exist and nothing will be lost by your absence.

That's honestly how I see my life right now. I'm not depressed at all, but in the grand scheme of things, I have done little to nothing in the world that if I die right now, nothing would change and I'm confident nobody will cry.

I guess the people I worked for might find that it sucks that the computer bear guy's gone and I guess a -1 reduction to the population but there's many babies being born out there every minute. I'm also a bear so I'm prolly not even counted in the total human population.

But I don't mind dying with nobody knowing how my life went. I'm not scared of dying pointlessly. Doesn't mean I don't fear dying. I'm very much afraid of dying ! The bear in me would do everything for survival and self-preservation !

I'm chill when somebody just responds to my stuff. In real life if we're just talking about how each other's day went, I'm alright with it. I don't mind small talks cos I'm an ambivert, but leaning towards introversion

But if you start asking me why I'm the way I am, what do you do when you're bored, anything that shows interest in me. those kinds of questions bother me in real life.

Not on the internet very much cos I can just make an answer on the fly, and that I'm 100% confident we'll never meet so whatever answer I make is superficial and doesn't hold any weight.

Plus I don't think anyone likes to read a literal nobody's thought. I'm very much a nobody so I'm confident whatever I say doesn't hold any meaning at all, haha.

Like if I'm doing something what I'm doing right now, I want them to take away my keyboard and stop brooding.

My 2020 self will definitely find what I'm doing as pathetic, posting my worries and thoughts on social media. Of course he's only thought of doing work in school and nothing else. He was my "mental state" prior to lockdowns and anger management. Not a fun chill bear to be around.

I'm not necessarily looking for a girlfriend, haha, although it'd be nice to experience love for the first time, but honestly I'm not interested. I guess just someone in real life who'll treat me like a real person than my parents. Doesn't matter if it has "benefits", just someone who'll make my life less boring.

But it's alright. I've resigned to the fact that I'll be alone for the rest of my life cos my fight or flight stuff gets triggered when someone "sees" me beyond my chill lazy personality

#mastodon

Thinking about it though, I was 18 years old 6 years ago. Another 6 years and I'm 30. I haven't done anything notable.

I've only done side gigs, jobs where somebody who knows me (mostly relatives) calls me to do stuff for other people (their friends or co-workers) and I get paid whatever they wanna pay me.

Of course I let people I did work for name their price. i don't want anybody to feel pressure paying me, haha. It's alright if they don't wanna pay me. A hug, a meal, or a good joke that'll make me laugh or make my day will do.

But damn. I already have few gray fur all over my body. I've done nothing but be nice.

I'll admit that as much as I don't like having friends, I want, or rather, need someone who will actually be there for me in real life. Someone who'll physically slap or punch my face HARD if I'm being too stupid, idiotic, dirty minded, sad, any of those bad crap.

#mastodon

I bet he'd still be as pathetic as he can be, pleasing friends and people, aspiring to be "normal" and wishing to be treated normally.

He would've graduated college a year ago, but he'd definitely be miserable. I don't think I'm miserable, but I'm sort of in between.

I despise the fuck out of my old self. He's better off dead anyway. As for me, I'll keep trucking. "Bearing" it on, life !

#mastodon