M.S. Bellows, Jr.I hope John Roberts' knee hurts really badly for no obvious reason so he limps everywhere he walks today and he has no idea why but damn it *really* hurts.
I hope John Roberts throws up a little in his mouth today.
(Digression: obscene decisions like this are why, in this thread, I'm making it a practice to curse U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts every single day: https://apnews.com/article/supreme-court-transgender-students-california-cca311ae39d267f31c1392a0bcf780cd
I've been a lawyer for nearly four decades. I've been PROUD to be a lawyer! On the day I graduated from law school I was privileged to shake hands with our commencement speaker, the outstanding liberal justice William F. Brennan. Lawyers and jurists like Brennan have been responsible for much of the social progress America slowly made through most of the 20th century, and I foolishly thought that that progress would mostly continue.
John Roberts represents the betrayal of that proud tradition. More broadly, John Roberts represents everything that is wrong with privilege and whiteness and toxic maleness and greed. So yes, I curse John Roberts, in small ways and large, every single fucking day. Because he has betrayed a noble calling, and the instant there's someone in the Oval Office who won't make Eileen Cannon chief justice, my final curse will be a general, passive wish for John Roberts to die painfully and slowly (but not too slowly).
But until then I curse him creatively, trying to bring a little humor to my rage.)
Supreme Court blocks California schools' transgender policy
The Supreme Court is clearing the way for California schools to tell parents if their children identify as transgender without getting the student’s approval, granting an emergency appeal from a conservative legal group. The Monday order blocks for now a state law that bans automatic parental notification requirements. The lawsuit came to the court’s emergency docket after religious parents and educators challenged California policies aimed at preventing schools from outing children to their families. The parents say schools misled them and facilitated social transition despite their objections. The state said students have the right to privacy, especially if they fear rejection from their families.
I hope John Roberts has an annoying blob of earwax in one ear and goes to the hall closet for a q-tip but the Costco-sized box they've had literally for years is completely empty and that ear is really bugging him so instead he halfway unbends a small paperclip and uses the smaller loop to dig out the dried wax and he tries to be careful but the paperclip was dirty or he scratches something and anyway he develops a really nasty ear infection that makes him dizzy and gives him headaches and tinnitus.
I hope today John Roberts tries to pick up a neighbor's cute, nice-seeming cat for a cuddle and it freaks out and scratches him badly right on the cheek.
I hope John Roberts' shoelace breaks, and not at home where he could just change shoes. And that those shoes have fairly short laces anyway, and that it breaks right at the eyelet where the knot will get in the way.
I hope John Roberts orders Chinese for lunch and it comes with those chopsticks that are rectangular in cross-section instead of round and when he separates them it splinters just a little and he gets a tiny splinter in the ball of his index finger and it's one of those splinters that's set so deeply there's only a tiny little nub sticking out that's not enough to grab with tweezers but every time he picks up a pen or taps a keyboard it jiggles it and hurts annoyingly.
I hope John Roberts goes to see "Inherit The Wind" at the Fichandler Stage in D.C. tonight and feels out of touch with the rest of the audience because why would anyone root for the criminal teaching evolution to innocent children, and then on the drive home he praises the righteous lawyer fighting to keep God's Word in the public schools and his wife responds by asking contemptuously how she ever could have married such an asshole and it makes him feel really confused and lonely and sad.
I hope John Roberts gets a flat tire today when he's already running late.
I hope John Roberts gets a letter today from Harvard revoking both his bachelor's and law degrees simply because the university's trustees unanimously think he's a ginormous asshole.
I hope John Roberts needs to hop a quick flight to New York today to give a lecture but never got a Real ID so he's stopped by TSA before boarding and okay whatever he pays the $45 fee for TSA to confirm his identity online but they've started using an AI for that and the AI somehow conflates Chief Justice of the Supreme Court with Iran's Supreme Leader of the Council of Experts and he's arrested and held for three days in a DHS facility in, ironically, New York before someone finally figures it out.
I hope John Roberts is feeling pretty good this morning as he sits at his kitchen table sipping coffee and scanning the day's news, until he sees this story that public confidence in the Supreme Court is at all all-time low and he goes from feeling pretty good to wanting to crawl back in bed. https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/supreme-court/poll-confidence-supreme-court-drops-record-low-rcna262459
I hope John Roberts has a tickly stray hair but every time he smooths the hair back on his temples that tickly hair doesn't go away and he finally looks in a mirror and realizes he has a single 3-inch long twisty thick dark hair growing right out of the forward edge of his actual ear, and he successfully plucks it but spends the rest of the day having troubling thoughts about aging and mortality.
(What, are some of my John Roberts curses inspired by incidents in my personal life? Why ever would you think that?)
I hope today it burns when John Roberts pees.
I hope today it still burns when John Roberts pees, just like yesterday only a little worse, and he's starting to worry that maybe it's not just that he got some soap up there or something.
I hope that today, yikes, it burns *again* when John Roberts pees, for the third day in a row, and he finally mentions it to his wife, which is a mistake because she later notices that it burns a little when she pees, too, and she privately messages her concierge gynecologist for an appointment and when they go to their Catholic church this morning she gives him a questioning, slightly accusatory look as he enters the confessional.
I hope that today John Roberts' wife goes to her expensive concierge gynecologist and gets tested for the burning she and the Chief Justice have been experiencing, and she gets good news and bad news: no it's not an STI, so in his case it actually probably is the new soap she bought – but also she has developed an allergy to his semen, meaning they either need to give up intercourse or return to using condoms, which they haven't had to do for years and which anyway are banned by their church. Hmmm, she thinks. Decisions, decisions...
I hope that last night John Roberts had his first erotic dream in a long time and it was super realistic and intense and pleasurable but the person he was with in the dream was Brett Kavanaugh who at one point sort of transformed into Clarence Thomas and then it was the three of them together and so all day today he feels sort of awkward around Brett and Clarence.
I hope that John Roberts went for a nice preprandial walk before dinner this evening and he thought he dressed warmly enough but halfway out he realized he hadn't and so began walking more briskly which yes made him a little warmer but after he was back home he realized his right hip was hurting because he had aggravated his bursitis and so tonight he has trouble sleeping because he's a side sleeper but the point of his hip is too painful so he has to sleep on his back which makes him snore and in the morning he's still fatigued and has a sore throat.
Today I hope John Roberts' hip still hurts and his throat is still sore, and that he's giving a speech to the Federalist Society tonight and has to take a long walk and then up stairs to the podium which aggravates his hip and the amplification isn't very good so he has to try to speak loudly and he's really uncomfortable and the crowd isn't very impressed with him because his gimpy limp and faint voice make him seem weak, which is never a good look among fascists.
I hope John Roberts really admired Chuck Norris and is sad today.
Today because it's 68° and sunny in DC I hope John Roberts goes for a walk to see the cherry blossoms but they're not quite open yet and he knows he's really busy for the next 2-3 weeks and won't be able to make time to come see them at their peak and that makes him sad.
Today I hope John Roberts develops athlete's foot and it's really cracked and painful and burny.
Today I hope John Roberts' mortgage payment arrives late and the lender charges him a late fee even though the envelope was postmarked on time. https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/supreme-court/supreme-court-tackles-dispute-mail-ballots-ahead-november-elections-rcna263748
Today I hope John Roberts awoke with a sore jaw because all the small bad things that have been happening to him every day for the last couple of months are cumulatively starting to overwhelm him with cortisol and he has begun to grind his teeth at night, and later today he learns that the grinding has made his teeth super sensitive and how he learns this is that he sips a cold drink and experiences a sharp jab of pain right through his skull and also his jaw keeps clicking in a weird way.
Today I hope John Roberts is finding it difficult to work because his jaw pain kept him awake last night and now he's really, really sleepy.
I hope that when John Roberts got home from work tonight, he was juggling his briefcase and a couple loose books and a bottle of wine someone gave him and managed to awkwardly get his right middle finger in the way as he slammed the heavy door of his Mercedes and it damn near broke it and at least jammed the joint, and now it's substantially swollen and turning purple and the whole thing throbs with pain with every pulse over and over and over even though he's taken too much ibuprofen and is applying ice, and he might lose his fingernail, and also he dropped the wine when he klutzed out and the bottle broke on his driveway and despite his pain he really needs to go sweep it up.
Today I hope that, yep, John Roberts is losing that fingernail because of the giant blood clot that formed, painfully, underneath it last night.
I hope that this morning John Roberts awakens pleasantly horny and happy because Saturday mornings traditionally are when he and his wife make love and then she makes her special super-hot, super-fluffy waffles, and before he even opens his eyes he extends a gently probing foot to touch her lovely warm body and initiate a cuddle but his foot finds only a cold empty bed, and then he gets up and wanders downstairs to a cold empty kitchen because his wife is at a #NoKings protest, and she didn't even set up the coffeemaker for him.
I hope that last night John Roberts' wife didn't come home from yesterday's #NoKings protest until 3:00 a.m., and that when John awoke and saw her with her clothes rumpled, her hair disheveled, and her makeup smeared, he exclaimed, oh my God, did the protest turn violent?and she answered icily, my God, could you be more naive? and headed for the shower.
I hope that last night John Roberts had insomnia and couldn't fall asleep until 6 a.m. and then his alarm went off at 6:30, and he's pretty sure the "decaf" his wife served after dinner accidentally wasn't decaf, and then he remembers that (unusually for her) she had Sleepytime tea instead of coffee, and now he's wondering whether it was really accidental.
I hope that someone keys John Roberts' car today, and not just shallowly so that it'll buff but all the way through the clear coat into the paint.
I hope nothing bad whatsoever happens to John Roberts today!
Ha ha April fools no seriously I actually hope he slips on a banana peel and breaks his elbow and has to be taken to the emergency department and today's oral argument on birthright citizenship has to be rescheduled for sometime in the next term of court and Trump's illegal order remains stayed until then.
I hope that this morning, as he transitioned through that productive, liminal state halfway between sleeping and waking, John Roberts was struck with the unpromped insight that all his success as a student and lawyer was born of a pathological need to please his overdemanding, vicariously ambitious father, and that he stumbles through the rest of the day with a surprisingly strong, even pathetic feeling of sadness that he actually should have been a professional sailor or large animal vet.
I hope today John Roberts realizes that Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito probably will retire before the end of T's term so T can attempt to name their replacements the way Obama never got to because RBG was too stubborn, and that that makes him sad because them leaving literally will eliminate half of the friendships he's had in his entire miserable life.
Today I hope that John Roberts decides to get out the stepladder and clean that one leaf-filled gutter over the garage and he doesn't fall or anything but as he scoops the half-decayed leaves out of the gutter he tosses them onto the driveway below and when he's done with the first section he climbs back down to move the ladder over a few feet and when he has one foot on the bottom rung he puts the other one on the ground covered with leaves and that foot slips out so his legs straddle and he pulls his groin painfully and also the other foot slips awkwardly between the rungs which scrapes his shin all the way up and as he's lying on the ground the ladder topples comedically over on top of him so when he finally extricates himself and hobbles into the house he's bleeding from his shin and also his forehead where the falling ladder hit him and when he gets inside some of his blood drips onto the entryway and then he feels even worse because he knows his wife is going to scold him for being clumsy and making a mess.
Today I hope that when John Roberts's wife awakens he's already up and because it's #Easter he says sincerely and joyfully, "Good morning! He is Risen!" and she looks pointedly at his pajamas crotch and replies dolefully, "at least someone is," and then they go to church and the scabbed shin scrape he received yesterday makes it painful every time he needs to kneel on the tilt-down genuflexorium, which let's be honest Catholic services require worshippers to do a lot.
Today I hope John Roberts is starting to wonder whether he made the right decision spending his spare time last weekend working to clear the way for Steve Bannon's conviction to be reversed on Trump's whim instead of what he really wanted to do, which is just hang out following updates about the Artemis mission because when he was young Apollo really was important to him.
I hope that this morning John Roberts chose shoes he hasn't worn in a while that are a little narrow in the toe box, and also that his left fourth toenail has a sharp corner that he should have rounded off last time he trimmed them and all day long that toenail corner just grinds into the third toe next to it so that by the end of the day he actually has an open sore there that's annoying and makes him limp.
I hope this morning John Roberts has a meeting somewhere other than the Supreme Court building and traffic is bad and at one point he has to brake so suddenly that he spits coffee onto the front of his silk tie (dry clean only) and white shirt, and then he has trouble finding parking, and when he finally arrives disheveled at the meeting host's offices he can see that the glass-walled conference room is empty and then the receptionist looks up and says, "but sir, that meeting is by Zoom, and they've already started."
I hope today all the U.S. Supreme Court justices had a conference and John Roberts was just trying to get through it efficiently but Clarence Thomas kept derailing the conversation by perseverating about the cost of RV repairs and the unavailability of a type of hose connector needed to supply the obscure brand of Latvian plumbing fixtures he got a great deal on on Facebook Marketplace, and the meeting didn't wrap up until over an hour after it was scheduled to.
I hope today John Roberts has trouble getting his tie tied correctly for some reason so that he spends 10 minutes just standing in front of the mirror tying and re-tying it because it keeps coming out too short or too long and when he finally gets the length right the knot lands at a slightly too narrow part of the tie so it comes out sort of small and the dimple is a little to the side and then all day it just keeps twisting and twisting until the knot is sort of sideways and it just looks like he's some kid who's never tied a tie before and he stops thinking about it eventually because he can't see it but everyone else in his chambers notices and thinks that despite his two Harvard degrees maybe he is not as sophisticated as they thought he was.
This morning I hope John Roberts goes out to a really good breakfast diner with nice waitresses and the food is delicious and the portions are *really* large so he puts two-thirds of his plate into a to go box to enjoy later and in general it feels like the first really good day he's had since, what, January? and then as he's walking back out to his car he stumbles for no reason besides inattention and drops his to-go clamshell which pops open and the French toast and bacon and flimsy little container of real maple syrup all just smear across the sidewalk and instead of being happy today he becomes sad again.
I don't plan on stopping, but here's a @MastoReader collation of all my John Roberts curses so far (Jan. to now): https://mastoreader.io/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fc.im%2F%40msbellows%2F116387809850196683
Joe Heafner@msbellows This is book material right here.
@heafnerj If it gets long enough maybe I'll do it! Thanks!
This morning for breakfast I hope John Roberts' wife makes him grits (which he loathes) and overcooked scrambled eggs (which make him nauseated), and now he's *extra* sad he dropped yesterday's delicious breakfast leftovers on the sidewalk.
I hope that on his way to work today John Roberts stops at a new coffee place for a medium latte with one sugar but when the girl (?) with three nose rings hands him his cup he doesn't notice that it has "Omar" written on the side and he's already driven away before he takes his first sip and realizes what she (?) gave him was unsweetened black tea and he doesn't like black tea because to him it tastes like dirt and the tannins give him an upset stomach.
I hope today in front of the Supreme Court building a protester throws a rubber dildo at John Roberts like folks elsewhere are doing to ICE and it bounces off the building's marble cladding and lands right at his feet and ofc he doesn't want to touch it but also he doesn't want to just leave it lying there sullying the dignity of the Court and because he's an orderly person he decides to do the right thing and dispose of it and the instant he bends over and has it in his hand yep, you guessed it, 163 different protesters and tourists all take and post photos of the Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court with his butt stuck out holding a dildo and before he even reaches his chambers everyone has seen it and his law clerks are snickering and he feels gullible and foolish so he decides maybe he can deflect some of his embarrassment with more humor so he puts it in Clarence Thomas's inbox, but Clarence doesn't think that's funny either and chews him out so John's whole day is basically shot.
https://www.closertotheedge.net/p/the-dildo-distribution-delegation
https://www.closertotheedge.net/p/the-dildo-distribution-delegation
Today I hope several of the justices go out for lunch to a little restaurant serving South American food and the meal includes a plate of deep fried savory meat pies that John Roberts finds delicious and praises several times out loud except he calls them empañadas, carefully rolling the tilde ~ to show he's erudite, instead of empanadas, which they're actually called, until finally Sonia Sotomayor corrects him in front of everyone, and then he's embarrassed.
Today I hope that John Roberts remembers that he completely forgot about what would have been Antonin Scalia's 90th birthday last month, and in contrition and fondness he decides to try mortification of the flesh in Scalia's honor and so he digs out the cilice Scalia once gave him to celebrate Josemaría Escrivá's birthday and straps it tightly around his upper thigh under his slacks, with the points digging painfully into the soft skin there, but he doesn't realize that Opus Dei associates are only supposed to wear the punishment device two hours a day and instead John wears it all day and that night when he finally goes to take it off it's bled in several places and scabbed itself into his skin and hurts and bleeds more when he pulls it loose and he wipes the whole area with alcohol for safety which also hurts like hell and wraps it in gauze and quickly pulls on his PJs so his wife won't see and honestly he doesn't feel any closer to God at all. https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/06/opus-dei-gareth-gore-pope-leo
Today I hope two very serious men appear at John Roberts' home and inform him that a sentimentally and esthetically pleasing painting he bought for cheap at a swap meet during law school and that hangs in his bedroom where he looks happily at it every single day actually was stolen by Nazis from a Jewish family and must be returned.
This morning I hope that as he's soaping his legs in the shower John Roberts encounters a couple painful places on his upper thigh and so he gets a mirror to look more closely and discovers that two of the sores left by the cilice he foolishly wore all day last Thursday have evolved into abscesses, and he also can see that on the skin above one of them is a red stripe running upward towards the lymph gland in his groin indicating that the infection has reached his lymphatic system, and so on this beautiful warm spring Saturday instead of going for a nice walk along the Tidal Basin to see if any cherry blossoms are left he has to go to an urgent care clinic and have the abscesses drained and be given strong antibiotics for what otherwise could become a life-threatening sepsis.
Today I hope John Roberts develops diarrhea from the antibiotics he was given yesterday for his infected upper-thigh abscesses, and then as he's sitting on the toilet for the fifth time he finds himself having uncharitable thoughts about his old friend Antonin Scalia for giving him that damned cilice and then he feels guilty and disloyal on top of, you know, having diarrhea.
This morning I hope John Roberts is sad. He has no idea why. Just: really sad.
This morning I hope John Roberts gets the disturbing news that one of his grandchildren is sick with food poisoning, I mean scary sick, and it makes him even sadder than he was yesterday but also makes him think twice as he heads into the oral arguments today of a case that asks the Court to rule that federal regulatory agencies like the FDA don't have the power to enforce their own rules.
(P.S.: I also hope the grandchild gets better immediately after the conference where the justices cast their votes, and then is given delicious ice cream.)
I hope that this afternoon after lunch John Roberts gets sleepy and nods off at his desk and when he awakens he discovers that the fairies have caused him to grow a long beard and braided it densely with periwinkles.
(Edit: add illustrative photo.)
I hope that this morning when John Roberts wakes up the fairy beard has grown back.
I hope John Roberts' pleasure today in his former law clerk William Baude's hagiographic drivel in today's NY Times is undercut by the memory that even back then Baude was a smarmy, asskissing toady that no one liked, not even Roberts. https://www.nytimes.com/2026/04/24/opinion/shadow-docket-supreme-court-john-roberts.html
Today I hope John Roberts decides to clean out his nightstand drawer and notices that the small bottle of lube he and his wife use every time they make love has a 2021 expiration date, and it's still 2/3 full, and it wasn't a very big bottle to start with.
This morning as he's leaving the shower I hope John Roberts isn't paying attention where he's walking because he's engrossed in a Rambo daydream fantasy about bravely saving everyone from a crazed assassin at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, and he accidentally steps barefoot on a Lego left on the floor by one of his visiting grandchildren and with the sudden surprising pain his emotions well up unexpectedly and he finds himself lying naked on the wet linoleum floor holding his hurt foot and sobbing because he hates and misses his daddy so, so much.
ADHDeanASL@msbellows What if he notices it’s a different brand, and it’s half used, and he hasn’t made love to his wife since 2021
jeffron@msbellows only Mother opens the nightstand drawer
Mx. Luna Corbden 🪿🐸@msbellows He can be just like the rest of us.
𝙽𝚘𝚊𝚑 𝙼𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚜𝚙𝚊𝚌𝚎𝚍@msbellows I hope tomorrow he can’t drive anywhere because an amorous elk has mistaken his car for its mate and he can’t get a loaner because no one will give him moose insurance.
@monkeyninja Elk in D.C.? Hmmm. I gotta think this one through...
@msbellows There's a bit of suspension of disbelief involved here but a guy can dream...
Karl Auerbach@msbellows By-the-way, you remember how Scalia and RBG were friends .... Well, according to unnamed (and possibly imaginary) sources, RBG and Scalia were observed being somewhat more than merely "friendly" at the Cibolo Ranch (Texas). And slightly after 3am on Feb 13, 2016, the day Scalia was found dead, RBG was observed furtively leaving the ranch.
🐌’s Pace@jancampbellcady It's funny how, in writing this whole thread since January, I've developed a particular voice, which includes odd specificity. Thanks!
ermo | Rune Morling@msbellows That article is straight up dynamite!
@ermo Right? I'm glad they may finally get reined in. What a terrible, unJesuslike idea Opus Dei is.
skua@msbellows
The University of New South Wales has an Opus Dei college for students.
The article below is by the director of that college.
It gives insight into how Opus Dei presents itself and how it has spread.
By Cerda, Jose Manuel in the Journal of the Australian Catholic Historical Society, 2017
And a thanks to Gab who warned me about this cult all those years ago.
#UNSW #NSW #OpusDei #WarraneCollege #JoseManuelCerda #AntiAbortion #WomensRights #Cult https://www.thefreelibrary.com/WARRANE+COLLEGE.+THE+DIFFICULT+BEGINNINGS+OF+AN+OPUS+DEI+UNIVERSITY...-a0562868229
@msbellows
Oh this is a living diary of your wishes for John Roberts.
Subscribing.
@skua _/\_
A curse a day! I never actually wish him dead or out of office, because I don't want Trump appointing the next Chief Justice, but I like to think that if all my little curses came true the cumulative effect would go from annoying to irritating to infuriating to stroke-inducing. And it's a fun writing prompt for me everyday.
@msbellows
Nicely moderated.
I see Leo did a "Woe to ..." curse on war mongers today.
@skua Yeah, Leo and I coordinate these things, sort of like middle schoolers calling each other up in the morning before school to coordinate wardrobes.
Cat West@msbellows One of your more elaborate but perfectly scenic curse tours. Bravo!
qurlyjoe@msbellows
So what’s an empañada then?
So what’s an empañada then?
@qurlyjoe I don't know that "empañadas"exist. "Pan" = "bread" so em-pan-ada means "em-bread-ed" – a filling wrapped in bread.
Jonah Gibberish@msbellows you're a better person than me. i hope he chokes to death.
Eric the half-a-beeI would guess that this is just before an alien space donkey swallows him whole?
@Ericthebeeover2 Shhhh. No spoilers!
@msbellows Methinks you have enough of these to fill an entire book of curses for our times.
Thee Mighty Peculia 🍄@msbellows Savage. I love it.
Jo - pièce de résistance@msbellows I hope it’s a little too tight, just enough to make him feel nauseated and really has to fix it, but since it was so much effort in the morning, decides to live with it and feels choked and nauseated all day, making eating difficult.
cognitively accessible math@msbellows LOLOL for everybody who's had that day, YES.
@geonz (It's almost like some of my daily curses against Roberts are at least tangentially inspired by my own personal experiences.)
(Almost.)