M.S. Bellows, Jr.I hope John Roberts is rooting for the Patriots. #SuperBowl
I hope John Roberts wants to watch "Bugonia" with Jesse Plemons and Emma Stone tonight and then realizes he doesn't subscribe to Peacock.
I hope John Roberts leaves the Supreme Court bathroom with a long strip of toilet paper stuck to his heel and all the clerks laugh at him behind his back.
I hope John Roberts is alone in his study tonight surreptitiously watching some old man-young actress porn that Clarence Thomas recommended and then his wife walks in and is visibly disgusted.
I hope John Roberts is really excited to watch the women's halfpipe finals in the Olympics today but his TV shows nothing but flickering black and white vertical lines and the warranty just expired.
I hope someone showed John Roberts Ian McKellan's performance of "The Stranger's Case speech" on Colbert and he objected loudly, "Bullshit. I took a Shakespeare class at Harvard and they never mentioned a play called 'Sir Thomas More'!" and a passing stranger responded, 'well, I attended the excellent public university U.C. Davis and they certainly taught ME that. Sorry you paid so much for a shitty education, loser," and then Justice Roberts felt confused and embarrassed. https://youtu.be/Nwd6vcfR3HI?si=UxmdNUxvUqO22inr
The Stranger's Case - Sir Ian McKellen
I hope John Roberts' wife hands him a giant heart-shaped box of candy for Valentine's Day today and he feels happy and romantic but when he opens it it contains nothing but maple creams and artificial cherry flavored wax lips.
I hope John Roberts was impotent last night on Valentine's Day and then this morning he felt more vigorous but his wife said she had a Sunday morning nail appointment and then she was away an oddly long time just for a nail appointment.
I hope John Roberts drives over a pothole on his way to work this morning and instantly a giant crack appears in his windshield.
I hope one of John Roberts' adult kids watched last night's Colbert and was shocked to learn how CBS obeyed the tyrant in advance by censoring the planned show, and so picked up the phone and said, "Dad, I love you, but I'm really angry and disappointed in you for empowering these assholes, and I think it's best if we don't talk for a while."
I hope John Roberts has to leave work early because of an incredibly intense migraine focused exactly behind his right eye.
I hope John Roberts wakes in the middle of the night tonight with the realization that, because of him, the British Royal Family has more accountability than the President of the United States, and before he can even haul himself out of bed pukes on his duvet in spontaneous, visceral repulsion at his own execrable betrayal of the American principles he pretends to live by.
I hope John Roberts doesn't get invited to Leonard Leo's birthday party even though Leo is who asked the Supreme Court to strike down Trump's tariffs, and that Roberts feels sad and lonely about that.
I hope John Roberts stopped at the library today eager to borrow a copy of John Grisham's latest novel but they told him the waitlist was 12 weeks long.
I hope last night John Roberts was visited by the ghosts of Thurgood Marshall, William F. Brennan, and Louis Brandeis, and they all told him that unlike Scrooge there was no hope of salvation for him as Antonin Scalia, wrapped in chains and half-buried in burning feces, nodded sad confirmation.
I hope John Roberts lost track of the days over the weekend and fell asleep last night thinking it was still Saturday and slept in this morning and was relaxing in his easy chair with a cup of coffee when the phone rang with a frantic clerk wondering where the hell he was.
I hope John Roberts' mail carrier intentionally fails to deliver his mail today.
Supreme Court rules USPS cannot be sued for undelivered mail in 5-4 decision | Fox News https://www.foxnews.com/us/postal-service-cant-sued-intentionally-not-delivering-mail-supreme-court-rules-5-4-split
I hope the five Supreme Court justices who didn't attend the State of the Union last night instead went out for bowling and cocktails and had a really nice time and in hindsight John Roberts feels like he made the wrong choice about how to spend his evening.
I hope John Roberts wore his favorite old Led Zeppelin concert tee to bed last night like pajamas and this morning when he was taking it off it tore really badly right across Robert Plant's face.
I hope John Roberts needs to call the Mexican embassy for some information about a travel visa for a future vacation and the automated system says for instructions in English press 2 and he presses 2 because he doesn't speak Spanish and then the voice continues in Spanish but with a British accent.
(Reference: https://apnews.com/article/washington-dol-spanish-accent-ai-3a1b8438a5674c07242a8d48c057d5a3 )
Washington state hotline callers hear AI voice with Spanish accent
Callers to Washington state’s driver’s license agency who select automated service in Spanish have instead been hearing an AI voice speaking English with a strong Spanish accent. The voice slipped Spanish numbers into key phrases. A recording of the odd-sounding accent drew attention on social media. And one person described the experience as “hilarious,” “absurd” and like a scene out of “Parks and Recreation.” The Department of Licensing has apologized and says it fixed the problem.
I hope John Roberts goes out for Middle Eastern food tonight and his waiter secretly spits in his hummus.
I hope John Roberts' knee hurts really badly for no obvious reason so he limps everywhere he walks today and he has no idea why but damn it *really* hurts.
I hope John Roberts throws up a little in his mouth today.
(Digression: obscene decisions like this are why, in this thread, I'm making it a practice to curse U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts every single day: https://apnews.com/article/supreme-court-transgender-students-california-cca311ae39d267f31c1392a0bcf780cd
I've been a lawyer for nearly four decades. I've been PROUD to be a lawyer! On the day I graduated from law school I was privileged to shake hands with our commencement speaker, the outstanding liberal justice William F. Brennan. Lawyers and jurists like Brennan have been responsible for much of the social progress America slowly made through most of the 20th century, and I foolishly thought that that progress would mostly continue.
John Roberts represents the betrayal of that proud tradition. More broadly, John Roberts represents everything that is wrong with privilege and whiteness and toxic maleness and greed. So yes, I curse John Roberts, in small ways and large, every single fucking day. Because he has betrayed a noble calling, and the instant there's someone in the Oval Office who won't make Eileen Cannon chief justice, my final curse will be a general, passive wish for John Roberts to die painfully and slowly (but not too slowly).
But until then I curse him creatively, trying to bring a little humor to my rage.)
Supreme Court blocks California schools' transgender policy
The Supreme Court is clearing the way for California schools to tell parents if their children identify as transgender without getting the student’s approval, granting an emergency appeal from a conservative legal group. The Monday order blocks for now a state law that bans automatic parental notification requirements. The lawsuit came to the court’s emergency docket after religious parents and educators challenged California policies aimed at preventing schools from outing children to their families. The parents say schools misled them and facilitated social transition despite their objections. The state said students have the right to privacy, especially if they fear rejection from their families.
I hope John Roberts has an annoying blob of earwax in one ear and goes to the hall closet for a q-tip but the Costco-sized box they've had literally for years is completely empty and that ear is really bugging him so instead he halfway unbends a small paperclip and uses the smaller loop to dig out the dried wax and he tries to be careful but the paperclip was dirty or he scratches something and anyway he develops a really nasty ear infection that makes him dizzy and gives him headaches and tinnitus.
I hope today John Roberts tries to pick up a neighbor's cute, nice-seeming cat for a cuddle and it freaks out and scratches him badly right on the cheek.
I hope John Roberts' shoelace breaks, and not at home where he could just change shoes. And that those shoes have fairly short laces anyway, and that it breaks right at the eyelet where the knot will get in the way.
I hope John Roberts orders Chinese for lunch and it comes with those chopsticks that are rectangular in cross-section instead of round and when he separates them it splinters just a little and he gets a tiny splinter in the ball of his index finger and it's one of those splinters that's set so deeply there's only a tiny little nub sticking out that's not enough to grab with tweezers but every time he picks up a pen or taps a keyboard it jiggles it and hurts annoyingly.
I hope John Roberts goes to see "Inherit The Wind" at the Fichandler Stage in D.C. tonight and feels out of touch with the rest of the audience because why would anyone root for the criminal teaching evolution to innocent children, and then on the drive home he praises the righteous lawyer fighting to keep God's Word in the public schools and his wife responds by asking contemptuously how she ever could have married such an asshole and it makes him feel really confused and lonely and sad.
I hope John Roberts gets a flat tire today when he's already running late.
I hope John Roberts gets a letter today from Harvard revoking both his bachelor's and law degrees simply because the university's trustees unanimously think he's a ginormous asshole.
I hope John Roberts needs to hop a quick flight to New York today to give a lecture but never got a Real ID so he's stopped by TSA before boarding and okay whatever he pays the $45 fee for TSA to confirm his identity online but they've started using an AI for that and the AI somehow conflates Chief Justice of the Supreme Court with Iran's Supreme Leader of the Council of Experts and he's arrested and held for three days in a DHS facility in, ironically, New York before someone finally figures it out.
I hope John Roberts is feeling pretty good this morning as he sits at his kitchen table sipping coffee and scanning the day's news, until he sees this story that public confidence in the Supreme Court is at all all-time low and he goes from feeling pretty good to wanting to crawl back in bed. https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/supreme-court/poll-confidence-supreme-court-drops-record-low-rcna262459
I hope John Roberts has a tickly stray hair but every time he smooths the hair back on his temples that tickly hair doesn't go away and he finally looks in a mirror and realizes he has a single 3-inch long twisty thick dark hair growing right out of the forward edge of his actual ear, and he successfully plucks it but spends the rest of the day having troubling thoughts about aging and mortality.
(What, are some of my John Roberts curses inspired by incidents in my personal life? Why ever would you think that?)
I hope today it burns when John Roberts pees.
I hope today it still burns when John Roberts pees, just like yesterday only a little worse, and he's starting to worry that maybe it's not just that he got some soap up there or something.
I hope that today, yikes, it burns *again* when John Roberts pees, for the third day in a row, and he finally mentions it to his wife, which is a mistake because she later notices that it burns a little when she pees, too, and she privately messages her concierge gynecologist for an appointment and when they go to their Catholic church this morning she gives him a questioning, slightly accusatory look as he enters the confessional.
I hope that today John Roberts' wife goes to her expensive concierge gynecologist and gets tested for the burning she and the Chief Justice have been experiencing, and she gets good news and bad news: no it's not an STI, so in his case it actually probably is the new soap she bought – but also she has developed an allergy to his semen, meaning they either need to give up intercourse or return to using condoms, which they haven't had to do for years and which anyway are banned by their church. Hmmm, she thinks. Decisions, decisions...
I hope that last night John Roberts had his first erotic dream in a long time and it was super realistic and intense and pleasurable but the person he was with in the dream was Brett Kavanaugh who at one point sort of transformed into Clarence Thomas and then it was the three of them together and so all day today he feels sort of awkward around Brett and Clarence.
I hope that John Roberts went for a nice preprandial walk before dinner this evening and he thought he dressed warmly enough but halfway out he realized he hadn't and so began walking more briskly which yes made him a little warmer but after he was back home he realized his right hip was hurting because he had aggravated his bursitis and so tonight he has trouble sleeping because he's a side sleeper but the point of his hip is too painful so he has to sleep on his back which makes him snore and in the morning he's still fatigued and has a sore throat.
Today I hope John Roberts' hip still hurts and his throat is still sore, and that he's giving a speech to the Federalist Society tonight and has to take a long walk and then up stairs to the podium which aggravates his hip and the amplification isn't very good so he has to try to speak loudly and he's really uncomfortable and the crowd isn't very impressed with him because his gimpy limp and faint voice make him seem weak, which is never a good look among fascists.
I hope John Roberts really admired Chuck Norris and is sad today.
Today because it's 68° and sunny in DC I hope John Roberts goes for a walk to see the cherry blossoms but they're not quite open yet and he knows he's really busy for the next 2-3 weeks and won't be able to make time to come see them at their peak and that makes him sad.
Today I hope John Roberts develops athlete's foot and it's really cracked and painful and burny.
Today I hope John Roberts' mortgage payment arrives late and the lender charges him a late fee even though the envelope was postmarked on time. https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/supreme-court/supreme-court-tackles-dispute-mail-ballots-ahead-november-elections-rcna263748
Today I hope John Roberts awoke with a sore jaw because all the small bad things that have been happening to him every day for the last couple of months are cumulatively starting to overwhelm him with cortisol and he has begun to grind his teeth at night, and later today he learns that the grinding has made his teeth super sensitive and how he learns this is that he sips a cold drink and experiences a sharp jab of pain right through his skull and also his jaw keeps clicking in a weird way.
Today I hope John Roberts is finding it difficult to work because his jaw pain kept him awake last night and now he's really, really sleepy.
I hope that when John Roberts got home from work tonight, he was juggling his briefcase and a couple loose books and a bottle of wine someone gave him and managed to awkwardly get his right middle finger in the way as he slammed the heavy door of his Mercedes and it damn near broke it and at least jammed the joint, and now it's substantially swollen and turning purple and the whole thing throbs with pain with every pulse over and over and over even though he's taken too much ibuprofen and is applying ice, and he might lose his fingernail, and also he dropped the wine when he klutzed out and the bottle broke on his driveway and despite his pain he really needs to go sweep it up.
Today I hope that, yep, John Roberts is losing that fingernail because of the giant blood clot that formed, painfully, underneath it last night.
I hope that this morning John Roberts awakens pleasantly horny and happy because Saturday mornings traditionally are when he and his wife make love and then she makes her special super-hot, super-fluffy waffles, and before he even opens his eyes he extends a gently probing foot to touch her lovely warm body and initiate a cuddle but his foot finds only a cold empty bed, and then he gets up and wanders downstairs to a cold empty kitchen because his wife is at a #NoKings protest, and she didn't even set up the coffeemaker for him.
I hope that last night John Roberts' wife didn't come home from yesterday's #NoKings protest until 3:00 a.m., and that when John awoke and saw her with her clothes rumpled, her hair disheveled, and her makeup smeared, he exclaimed, oh my God, did the protest turn violent?and she answered icily, my God, could you be more naive? and headed for the shower.
I hope that last night John Roberts had insomnia and couldn't fall asleep until 6 a.m. and then his alarm went off at 6:30, and he's pretty sure the "decaf" his wife served after dinner accidentally wasn't decaf, and then he remembers that (unusually for her) she had Sleepytime tea instead of coffee, and now he's wondering whether it was really accidental.
I hope that someone keys John Roberts' car today, and not just shallowly so that it'll buff but all the way through the clear coat into the paint.
I hope nothing bad whatsoever happens to John Roberts today!
Ha ha April fools no seriously I actually hope he slips on a banana peel and breaks his elbow and has to be taken to the emergency department and today's oral argument on birthright citizenship has to be rescheduled for sometime in the next term of court and Trump's illegal order remains stayed until then.
MrAlanCooper@msbellows Excellent!
@mralancooper Honestly, it's been sad and troubling for me to witness the slow dissolution of their marriage. No one wants that, right?
@msbellows She's gonna leave him for a lesbian trans woman.
@mralancooper In her mind I suspect she already has.
Ray Gulick, he/him/wtf 🇺🇦 ❌👑@rgulick These are hard times, man. We can't hold back.
qurlyjoe
Sandor Spruit 🇪🇺🇳🇱🇺🇦🇨🇦@msbellows @JohanDiederik I get this funny feeling, that you do not particularly like John Roberts 😆
bobocubedI really love the specificity of all this.
@boelder Thank you! I'm finding beauty in the details.
Johan Diederik@msbellows “someone gave him”🤣🤣🤣🤣
@JohanDiederik With @ProPublica and Congressional Democrats looking carefully at the Supreme Court's financial disclosures, a nice bottle of Leroy Musigny Grand Cru pinot noir is a smart way to deliver a bribe.
AI6YR Ben@msbellows lol. I appreciate these, keep 'em up.
Karl Auerbach@msbellows Oh you are mean! (But I don't object to it.)
My hope is that roberts (his name no longer deserves to be capitalized) wakes up to the ghost of Roger Taney laughing, pointing at roberts, and saying "Thank you for relieving me of the burden of being the worst Chief Justice of all times."
@msbellows Don't you think it's about time that roberts's sexual competency and/or partners become compromised? Also, bowels.
@mralancooper Both topics have made appearances in the thread. And the year is young.
Reijo Pitkänen@msbellows I am here, every day for this.
@reijomancer ,_/\_
My hope is that the cumulative effect of small daily insults immediately will drive him off the cliff.
My hope is that the cumulative effect of small daily insults immediately will drive him off the cliff.