M.S. Bellows, Jr.I hope John Roberts can't watch the NFL playoff games today because he has explosive diarrhea.
I hope John Roberts ran outside this morning in his underwear to grab the paper, realized the door had locked behind him, walked barefoot and freezing to the back door to see if that was open, realized it wasn't, froze for half an hour before his wife woke up, slipped and fell on the ice banging on the window, and spent the day groaning in bed with sciatica.
I hope John Roberts' furnace breaks today.
I hope John Roberts broke a glass and cut his finger while mixing his Manhattan tonight.
I hope John Roberts' wife notices a weird pimple on the shaft of his penis as they're about to make love tonight, tells him she has a headache, excuses herself to the bathroom, and quietly starts googling the words "syphilis" and "chancre."
I hope John Roberts' hemorrhoid flared up really badly today and even bled through his suit pants a little.
I hope John Roberts' cat threw up in his bed last night.
I hope peaceful but very loud resistance protestors disrupt John Roberts' church today.
I hope John Roberts has to get up in the middle of the night to pee because of his enlarged prostate and stubs his baby toe REALLY hard on the metal corner of his bedframe.
I hope John Roberts comes home tonight and is astounded to find, on his front porch, a completely functional time machine so he travels back to 1787 to actually meet the Framers of the U.S. Constitution except he contracts cholera and dies painfully but not from the cholera itself but rather from the 18th century physicians who apply leeches and let his blood until he becomes fatally exsanguinated. #OriginalistMedicine
I hope John Roberts goes to an exclusive party thrown by a D.C. powerbroker and accidentally picks up a roofied drink intended for a young intern and the intern gets home safely but Roberts gets completely wasted and a recently-fired WaPo photojournalist who now has to try and make a living as a freelancer gets a really embarrassing photo and it goes viral and now everyone is sure the Chief Justice is an alkie.
I hope John Roberts' pillow is too hot tonight no matter how many times he flips it looking for the cool side.
I hope John Roberts' law clerks all were sick today so he had to actually do his own legal research and he ended up wandering angrily around the Supreme Court law library stacking heavy volumes of West's case law on tables and wondering why the hell the Shephards annual, monthly, and weekly pocket parts haven't been kept up to date. #law
I hope John Roberts picks up a can of leftover Coke he finds on the counter and accidentally swallows a giant dead housefly.
I hope John Roberts is rooting for the Patriots. #SuperBowl
I hope John Roberts wants to watch "Bugonia" with Jesse Plemons and Emma Stone tonight and then realizes he doesn't subscribe to Peacock.
I hope John Roberts leaves the Supreme Court bathroom with a long strip of toilet paper stuck to his heel and all the clerks laugh at him behind his back.
I hope John Roberts is alone in his study tonight surreptitiously watching some old man-young actress porn that Clarence Thomas recommended and then his wife walks in and is visibly disgusted.
I hope John Roberts is really excited to watch the women's halfpipe finals in the Olympics today but his TV shows nothing but flickering black and white vertical lines and the warranty just expired.
I hope someone showed John Roberts Ian McKellan's performance of "The Stranger's Case speech" on Colbert and he objected loudly, "Bullshit. I took a Shakespeare class at Harvard and they never mentioned a play called 'Sir Thomas More'!" and a passing stranger responded, 'well, I attended the excellent public university U.C. Davis and they certainly taught ME that. Sorry you paid so much for a shitty education, loser," and then Justice Roberts felt confused and embarrassed. https://youtu.be/Nwd6vcfR3HI?si=UxmdNUxvUqO22inr
The Stranger's Case - Sir Ian McKellen
I hope John Roberts' wife hands him a giant heart-shaped box of candy for Valentine's Day today and he feels happy and romantic but when he opens it it contains nothing but maple creams and artificial cherry flavored wax lips.
I hope John Roberts was impotent last night on Valentine's Day and then this morning he felt more vigorous but his wife said she had a Sunday morning nail appointment and then she was away an oddly long time just for a nail appointment.
I hope John Roberts drives over a pothole on his way to work this morning and instantly a giant crack appears in his windshield.
I hope one of John Roberts' adult kids watched last night's Colbert and was shocked to learn how CBS obeyed the tyrant in advance by censoring the planned show, and so picked up the phone and said, "Dad, I love you, but I'm really angry and disappointed in you for empowering these assholes, and I think it's best if we don't talk for a while."
I hope John Roberts has to leave work early because of an incredibly intense migraine focused exactly behind his right eye.
I hope John Roberts wakes in the middle of the night tonight with the realization that, because of him, the British Royal Family has more accountability than the President of the United States, and before he can even haul himself out of bed pukes on his duvet in spontaneous, visceral repulsion at his own execrable betrayal of the American principles he pretends to live by.
I hope John Roberts doesn't get invited to Leonard Leo's birthday party even though Leo is who asked the Supreme Court to strike down Trump's tariffs, and that Roberts feels sad and lonely about that.
I hope John Roberts stopped at the library today eager to borrow a copy of John Grisham's latest novel but they told him the waitlist was 12 weeks long.
I hope last night John Roberts was visited by the ghosts of Thurgood Marshall, William F. Brennan, and Louis Brandeis, and they all told him that unlike Scrooge there was no hope of salvation for him as Antonin Scalia, wrapped in chains and half-buried in burning feces, nodded sad confirmation.
I hope John Roberts lost track of the days over the weekend and fell asleep last night thinking it was still Saturday and slept in this morning and was relaxing in his easy chair with a cup of coffee when the phone rang with a frantic clerk wondering where the hell he was.
I hope John Roberts' mail carrier intentionally fails to deliver his mail today.
Supreme Court rules USPS cannot be sued for undelivered mail in 5-4 decision | Fox News https://www.foxnews.com/us/postal-service-cant-sued-intentionally-not-delivering-mail-supreme-court-rules-5-4-split
I hope the five Supreme Court justices who didn't attend the State of the Union last night instead went out for bowling and cocktails and had a really nice time and in hindsight John Roberts feels like he made the wrong choice about how to spend his evening.
I hope John Roberts wore his favorite old Led Zeppelin concert tee to bed last night like pajamas and this morning when he was taking it off it tore really badly right across Robert Plant's face.
I hope John Roberts needs to call the Mexican embassy for some information about a travel visa for a future vacation and the automated system says for instructions in English press 2 and he presses 2 because he doesn't speak Spanish and then the voice continues in Spanish but with a British accent.
(Reference: https://apnews.com/article/washington-dol-spanish-accent-ai-3a1b8438a5674c07242a8d48c057d5a3 )
Washington state hotline callers hear AI voice with Spanish accent
Callers to Washington state’s driver’s license agency who select automated service in Spanish have instead been hearing an AI voice speaking English with a strong Spanish accent. The voice slipped Spanish numbers into key phrases. A recording of the odd-sounding accent drew attention on social media. And one person described the experience as “hilarious,” “absurd” and like a scene out of “Parks and Recreation.” The Department of Licensing has apologized and says it fixed the problem.
I hope John Roberts goes out for Middle Eastern food tonight and his waiter secretly spits in his hummus.
I hope John Roberts' knee hurts really badly for no obvious reason so he limps everywhere he walks today and he has no idea why but damn it *really* hurts.
I hope John Roberts throws up a little in his mouth today.
(Digression: obscene decisions like this are why, in this thread, I'm making it a practice to curse U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts every single day: https://apnews.com/article/supreme-court-transgender-students-california-cca311ae39d267f31c1392a0bcf780cd
I've been a lawyer for nearly four decades. I've been PROUD to be a lawyer! On the day I graduated from law school I was privileged to shake hands with our commencement speaker, the outstanding liberal justice William F. Brennan. Lawyers and jurists like Brennan have been responsible for much of the social progress America slowly made through most of the 20th century, and I foolishly thought that that progress would mostly continue.
John Roberts represents the betrayal of that proud tradition. More broadly, John Roberts represents everything that is wrong with privilege and whiteness and toxic maleness and greed. So yes, I curse John Roberts, in small ways and large, every single fucking day. Because he has betrayed a noble calling, and the instant there's someone in the Oval Office who won't make Eileen Cannon chief justice, my final curse will be a general, passive wish for John Roberts to die painfully and slowly (but not too slowly).
But until then I curse him creatively, trying to bring a little humor to my rage.)
Supreme Court blocks California schools' transgender policy
The Supreme Court is clearing the way for California schools to tell parents if their children identify as transgender without getting the student’s approval, granting an emergency appeal from a conservative legal group. The Monday order blocks for now a state law that bans automatic parental notification requirements. The lawsuit came to the court’s emergency docket after religious parents and educators challenged California policies aimed at preventing schools from outing children to their families. The parents say schools misled them and facilitated social transition despite their objections. The state said students have the right to privacy, especially if they fear rejection from their families.
I hope John Roberts has an annoying blob of earwax in one ear and goes to the hall closet for a q-tip but the Costco-sized box they've had literally for years is completely empty and that ear is really bugging him so instead he halfway unbends a small paperclip and uses the smaller loop to dig out the dried wax and he tries to be careful but the paperclip was dirty or he scratches something and anyway he develops a really nasty ear infection that makes him dizzy and gives him headaches and tinnitus.
I hope today John Roberts tries to pick up a neighbor's cute, nice-seeming cat for a cuddle and it freaks out and scratches him badly right on the cheek.
I hope John Roberts' shoelace breaks, and not at home where he could just change shoes. And that those shoes have fairly short laces anyway, and that it breaks right at the eyelet where the knot will get in the way.
I hope John Roberts orders Chinese for lunch and it comes with those chopsticks that are rectangular in cross-section instead of round and when he separates them it splinters just a little and he gets a tiny splinter in the ball of his index finger and it's one of those splinters that's set so deeply there's only a tiny little nub sticking out that's not enough to grab with tweezers but every time he picks up a pen or taps a keyboard it jiggles it and hurts annoyingly.
I hope John Roberts goes to see "Inherit The Wind" at the Fichandler Stage in D.C. tonight and feels out of touch with the rest of the audience because why would anyone root for the criminal teaching evolution to innocent children, and then on the drive home he praises the righteous lawyer fighting to keep God's Word in the public schools and his wife responds by asking contemptuously how she ever could have married such an asshole and it makes him feel really confused and lonely and sad.
I hope John Roberts gets a flat tire today when he's already running late.
I hope John Roberts gets a letter today from Harvard revoking both his bachelor's and law degrees simply because the university's trustees unanimously think he's a ginormous asshole.
I hope John Roberts needs to hop a quick flight to New York today to give a lecture but never got a Real ID so he's stopped by TSA before boarding and okay whatever he pays the $45 fee for TSA to confirm his identity online but they've started using an AI for that and the AI somehow conflates Chief Justice of the Supreme Court with Iran's Supreme Leader of the Council of Experts and he's arrested and held for three days in a DHS facility in, ironically, New York before someone finally figures it out.
I hope John Roberts is feeling pretty good this morning as he sits at his kitchen table sipping coffee and scanning the day's news, until he sees this story that public confidence in the Supreme Court is at all all-time low and he goes from feeling pretty good to wanting to crawl back in bed. https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/supreme-court/poll-confidence-supreme-court-drops-record-low-rcna262459
I hope John Roberts has a tickly stray hair but every time he smooths the hair back on his temples that tickly hair doesn't go away and he finally looks in a mirror and realizes he has a single 3-inch long twisty thick dark hair growing right out of the forward edge of his actual ear, and he successfully plucks it but spends the rest of the day having troubling thoughts about aging and mortality.
(What, are some of my John Roberts curses inspired by incidents in my personal life? Why ever would you think that?)
I hope today it burns when John Roberts pees.
I hope today it still burns when John Roberts pees, just like yesterday only a little worse, and he's starting to worry that maybe it's not just that he got some soap up there or something.
I hope that today, yikes, it burns *again* when John Roberts pees, for the third day in a row, and he finally mentions it to his wife, which is a mistake because she later notices that it burns a little when she pees, too, and she privately messages her concierge gynecologist for an appointment and when they go to their Catholic church this morning she gives him a questioning, slightly accusatory look as he enters the confessional.
I hope that today John Roberts' wife goes to her expensive concierge gynecologist and gets tested for the burning she and the Chief Justice have been experiencing, and she gets good news and bad news: no it's not an STI, so in his case it actually probably is the new soap she bought – but also she has developed an allergy to his semen, meaning they either need to give up intercourse or return to using condoms, which they haven't had to do for years and which anyway are banned by their church. Hmmm, she thinks. Decisions, decisions...
I hope that last night John Roberts had his first erotic dream in a long time and it was super realistic and intense and pleasurable but the person he was with in the dream was Brett Kavanaugh who at one point sort of transformed into Clarence Thomas and then it was the three of them together and so all day today he feels sort of awkward around Brett and Clarence.
icasticoIt seems someone has found this thread
Chief Justice Roberts calls for personal criticism of judges to stop
Chief Justice John Roberts is warning that personal criticism of federal judges is dangerous and “it’s got to stop.” This comes two days after President Donald Trump called a federal judge who ruled against the administration “wacky, nasty, crooked and totally out of control.” As he has done before, Roberts on Tuesday was careful not to single out Trump or anyone else, insisting that the attacks on judges are not from “just any one political perspective.” Roberts said in remarks at Rice University’s Baker Institute for Public Policy in Houston that criticism of judicial opinions “comes with the territory” and can be healthy. But it’s different when the criticism moves away from legal analysis. He says "personally directed hostility is dangerous and it’s got to stop.”
@icastico Ha! Man, I dream of Roberts somehow stumbling across it one day and realizing that, no, he is not above it all.
Generally Salty@msbellows hey, trying to eat here! Ew.
Hiker Geek 🌲💻🌲Can you get an STD from kissing Trump's ass?
CrowjaneYou’ve really stepped up your game. Looking forward to the day 4 installment.
Cipro can’t touch it?
ermo | Rune Morling@msbellows I was going to suggest that this all seems #oddlyspecific but you beat me to it.
I. Love. This. Thread.
Thank You!
bobocubedThing is with these fuckers: they're un-shamable ...
@boelder Yeah, but they still care about their legacies. Not shame but ego.
mivox is exhausted 
@msbellows I hope he spends the rest of his life feeling much much worse than going back to bed could possibly solve.
(Now I scroll back up and see you’ve got that MORE than covered here. 
)
Axomamma, Antifa from birth@msbellows That assumes Roberts gives a flying fuck what The Unwashed think. He doesn't.
f*cking b*tch club@msbellows It’d be even better if they revoked his degrees because he’s brought disgrace upon the school by turning his back on his sworn duty to uphold the Constitution.
@msbellows
That’d be nice.
That’d be nice.
I Voted for McGovern@msbellows
maybe in his shadow conscience?
maybe in his shadow conscience?
@goatrodeo I used to think he had one.
I was a sweet summer child back then.
@msbellows I hope that the Chinese food gives him atomic, painful, explosive diarrhea.
@david So so I, but that would impugn a proof and delicious ethnic cuisine, and also I already used that wish in the very first curse in this long thread. 🙂
@msbellows Jiminy! How did I miss all of these??
@david Easy answer: you're a slacker! (Said by a fellow slacker, so don't worry, I'm not judging you.)
@msbellows I'm definitely a slacker. Always was…
School: ”We feel you are an underachiever despite your high IQ.”
Me: “Whatever.”
@david Also, it's probably a "tell" that I'm defining "slacker" as "someone who doesn't spend enough time on Mastodon to catch every single one of my posts in real time."
@msbellows today was an exception as prior, I've been working but finished it all yesterday. Well at least until next week.
Jason BeetsYou might enjoy a work of satire I wrote in 2024, following Trump's reelection.
https://jasonbeets.blogspot.com/2024/11/evil-sorcerers-need-to-rediscover-art.html
Sara@msbellows I hope there are blackberry canes in the side yard this weekend when he goes back there to see what the smell is
and one of them smacks him across the back of his leg
@sarae Tell me more about the smell. (And are there blackberries in D.C.?)
@msbellows I think it's going to be very hard for him to find the smell
the smell comes and goes
@sarae Is... is it under the floorboards?
@msbellows sometimes
other times it sort of wafts down from the soffits
and then it comes right out of the floor vents sometimes and holy shit
@sarae Please don't say it also bubbles up from the Jacuzzi jets.
@msbellows no
but someone def keeps peeing in his Jacuzzi filter
@sarae Who doesn't, at least indirectly?
Weird Socks@sarae
You are, in other words, cursing him with the mystery smell in @douglasvb's house, but worse.
Yesss. Good.
You are, in other words, cursing him with the mystery smell in @douglasvb's house, but worse.
Yesss. Good.
Timothy Roes@msbellows oddly specific
@TimothyRoes Good curses require focus to be effective.
@msbellows This one's specific enough to travel down the blood line, ... like the one on the house of Atreus that led to Agamemnon's demise ;-)
@TimothyRoes So you're saying that 100 years from now Roberts' great great great grandchild's shoelace will break, slowing the delivery of a vital message and ultimately leading to the final demise of the American empire?
Cool, cool, I'm good with that.
GhostOnTheHalfShellYes, I’m beginning to feel the catharsis
@GhostOnTheHalfShell Excellent. That is my purpose. Steady, small, drip by drip.
nanowizIf it's the John Roberts that I'm thinking of, I hope more than his shoelace breaks.
@nanowiz ((It's the John Roberts you're thinking of. And don't worry about it not being enough; there's a whole thread of curses!))
@msbellows
Blessed are your Curses
Blessed are your Curses
From Robin with Love@msbellows You make me chuckle every day.
@firefly That makes me glad. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just cursing into the void like usual.
@msbellows Well, there’s value in that, TOO.