Mastodawn

Wrenasaurus Tex

I came across a vid on tiktok that led me to a search for "dating natural predators". There are a LOT of vids by straight cis women describing the experience of dating cis men. Wowza. It sounds terrifying.

I made the recommendation on one that she try dating #TransMen If I were a straight or bi girlie that's what I would do. All the trans guys I've come across have been really sweet, kind and just good looking guys.

But watching about half dozen or so of those videos from the search reinforced in me the idea that sexual orientation is innate. Sure, there's compulsive heterosexuality and many a woman has been able to identify that in herself and move on but beyond that... eeesh. No other explanation that a woman, cis or trans, would seek out a cis man.

To the straight girlies in the dating pool... I'm so sorry. It sounds rough out there. From guys who will hurt you physically to guys who will manipulate you and hurt you emotionally... ugh. (Yeah the second part of that sentence is a #subtoot you sorry fucking rat bastard)

I can't imagine being attracted to and wanting to date my biggest natural predator. May the odds be ever in your favor.
#dating

ChloChloaca 20h ago

@WrenArcher "Try dating trans men" is something that often isn't taken well by the trans men I've talked to. It reinforces the idea that trans men are just "man lite," which is something trans men explicitly don't want to be seen as.

It's kinda like saying "trans women understand men because they're socialized male."

Wrenasaurus Tex

@CordiallyChloe
I made the suggestion not because I view trans guys as "man lite" but because I think for cis women the concept of dating a man of trans experience has never crossed their radar.

I hate that trans guys would take it in any other way other than to spread awareness that trans men are in the dating pool as well.

ChloChloaca 20h ago

@WrenArcher I guess I don't understand why you'd recommend trans men as an "alternative" then? They're still men, right?

Wrenasaurus Tex

@CordiallyChloe
Umm. I didn't suggest she date trans guys as an alternative. I said it because I'm assuming that a huge percentage of cis women that the idea of dating a trans man has never crossed their mind.

Am I missing something?
I'm not calling into question the manhood of trams guys. I'm putting into the viewing area of women that trans guys exist.

ChloChloaca 19h ago

@WrenArcher I probably just don't understand the context of your original post then.

Were the girls saying they only date cis men and that cis men are the problem?

And I'm just not clear on how dating a trans man would solve the problem when their issue is with men?

Wrenasaurus Tex

@CordiallyChloe
No. They were not saying they date only cis men but unlike you and me, when they say the words "man" or "men" the default for them is "cis man".

And unbeknownst to the cis women in the dating pool, their problem is with cis men, not all men.

And why is that kids? Because trans men are men. It's cis men who more often than not who are displaying toxic masculinity.

ChloChloaca 19h ago

@WrenArcher Ok, so then back to my earlier comment - you're treating trans men differently from cis men. And that's what I said most trans men express having a problem with.

Wrenasaurus Tex

@CordiallyChloe
Nope. I'm not treating trans men differently.

I'm simply bringing awareness to cis women that straight trans guys exist in the dating pool. They don't think about dating trans guys at all. The default the cis world when it says "man" they're thinking of cis men.

The only way I'm treating trans dudes differently than cis guys is to recognize that more often than not, their version of masculinity isn't toxic.

ChloChloaca 19h ago

>their version of masculinity isn't toxic

But that's not inherently true.

Just like trans women experience the toxic standards of beauty, policing of each other and our own bodies, and even the cattiness and cliquiness of social circles, trans men are affected by toxic masculinity.

We all have to choose whether or not we grow past these.

In circles like mastodon I think we see more people choose to learn and grow out of the shells society tries to build around us. But I'm in a couple discords where I definitely see pretty standard societal expectations of men and women affecting the trans people in those spaces.

Trans people are just as much of a spectrum as cis people and since we are the gender we say we are, we tend to conform to those groups as well.

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

@WrenArcher @CordiallyChloe I might also argue that it's not all cis men, either. There's this segment of the female population that keeps going after a particular type of guy and ends up with an AI or crypto bro every damn time.

There are guys out there, cis or trans, that aren't that. They're kind and gentle and loyal. I have two brothers-in-law who are amazing. They're entirely non-toxic. My sisters did really well.

Most of the trans guys I know fall into this bucket but that's more because they're feminists than because they're trans. (And yes, many of us trans girls were that guy but that doesn't mean all kind gentle guys are actually trans girls.)

But if you're attracted to the very visible sort of masculinity and machismo that's common today, then you're likely to end up with a guy who's all projection and nothing else. If you're attracted to muscles and sports cars then you'll get a gym bro. If you're looking for a guy who can pay for everything, you'll find an AI or crypto bro who likes throwing money around. And if that's what you're attracted to and you follow that, it's easy to end up disappointed over and over and over again.

Wrenasaurus Tex

@faithisleaping
There will never be anyone who can convince me of the argument "not all men".

Unpopular opinion: Every single person who lives (or lived) as a man, cis or trans, benefits or has benefited from the power dynamic of a patriarchal society.

I can't be convinced of "not all men". Some men work very hard to not be that guy who is a complete douchebag but he is still benefiting from being a man in an patriarchal society.

@CordiallyChloe

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

@WrenArcher @CordiallyChloe Then I'm not even sure what discussion is being had anymore.

ChloChloaca 19h ago

@faithisleaping @WrenArcher

This is the mindset that I hold as well. It's either "all men" or "not all men." (And not in the obnoxious "notallmen" kinda way. But more literally, just that humans are a spectrum and there will always be exceptions.

I haven't seen any evidence one way or the other that one group is "more" or "less" of an exception than any other.

I do understand the argument that trans men have an opportunity to see beyond their gender roles in a way maybe cis men don't. But this also treads on the conversation of "socialized female" and we know how problematic that is.

From personal experience, I really can't tell the difference between the trans men in my life and the cis men. They're...men. Through and through. Good husbands, good fathers, loving, and kind. But also emotionally distant in some ways. And they like grilling lol.

Ruth O'Day 19h ago

@WrenArcher @CordiallyChloe

I agree with Wren.

My own experience stems from my research, back in the late 1970's and 1980's. The ratio of visible FTM/MTF was different. looking for a cis man to legitimize us was also what we were "supposed to" do to access care.

In my support group days, a trans man there was someone who I would have had a relationship with, but he already had a girlfriend.

There was a trans man who I developed a friendship with. We socialized together, but it ended when he told me something he had done: he had found my Deadname (my fault for leaving ID open). It wasn't malicious but he started looking me up online and started looking up my ex-wife (the friendship wouldn't survive crossing the line with the last one).

So we drifted apart.

In the meantime I found a boyfriend (happened to be cis) on the dial up where I hung out. Distance relationship. He was okay with me being trans. But not okay with my weight (I was a size 16). I saved him the trouble of breaking up by doing that myself.

When I told an online woman friend, she set me up with someone who she knew. Cis guy who had to come to terms with me being trans. He did. Another long distance relationship. It ended about 5 years later when he died (he was obese, about 185 kg/400lb).

It took me time to get over him, and I would probably still be avoiding relationships were it not for a cougar fling. I was 48, he was 28. It wasn't going to go too far, apart from the age difference not built for endurance, it was another distance relationship and he (cis guy) turned out to be a bit of a chaser. He wasn't gross about it, so maybe the 1970/1980s word "admirer" is more appropriate.

A while later I joined a trans dating site. Another cis guy. Distance relationship . At least the guy was in France and cooked for me. Wonderfully. Until he told me that his goal was to fatten me up because he liked heavier women. Also, over time he showed himself to be a bit of a pig towards his ex-wife and all cis women.

Around that time, former coworker, cis guy, gets in touch with me to just keep in touch. I out myself, in case he has designs on me. Maybe that set back plan A. So we were friends for a few years before he became Le Boyfriend.

But before that happened, I joined here. Saw.a lot more trans men than I had experienced before. And liked what I saw. But by that time I had already become more than friends with Le Boyfriend. So, still in cisland, but with an open mind.

Lisa Makes Stuff (she/her)19h ago

@WrenArcher I think about this a lot. If I were to somehow suddenly become single, I don't think I'd date a cishet man ever again.

Kick Murder Squad Pleasurebot 18h ago

@WrenArcher A trans girl will post about cis dudes being predators and never realize there are girls hunting her.

Maeve Ryan Elainska 18h ago

@FinalGirl This is easily the most Tyla post of the week.
@WrenArcher

Wrenasaurus Tex

@glassblowerscat
Are we talking about a prediction for the coming week or those in the last seven days because there was this one three days ago.
☺️🫠

https://blackqueer.life/@FinalGirl/116335906847790272

Maeve Ryan Elainska 17h ago

@WrenArcher Oof, that is a contender. But I think the hunting metaphor is what does it for me 😳

Kick Murder Squad Pleasurebot 17h ago

@glassblowerscat Yeah, If you’ve been on the “working” side of a relationship for a long time, especially with a cross-gender overlay, the idea of someone else taking that “working” role while you enjoy things is definitely attractive. A lot of my fantasies involve being hunted and “taken” and one time my therapist laughed and said “yeah, you get everything you want and don’t have to ask for it and feel like you’re begging, what’s not to love?!” 🤣

Maeve Ryan Elainska 16h ago

@FinalGirl
Get out of my head, Tyla, lol. It’s not just sexual fantasies; I also think it’d be amazing to do my job all day and cook good food and be a parent and do *literally nothing else* to keep the house running.
@WrenArcher

Wrenasaurus Tex

Me: 🤣🤣🤣

Also me: 💦
Also, also me: