Cis people sometimes demand #trans people rigourously define what "gender" means and explain what drives us to embody a gender other than the one assigned to us at birth. If we can't do that, they say, how can they believe us?
But trans people shouldn't have to be philosophers and psychologists all wrapped up into one to have our experiences believed. 1/
Truth is I don't know. Gender seems a complicated, vague concept to me, and I don't know why I feel the need to be a woman. It wasn't intentional. I never experienced any great internal revelation or certainty.
Nonetheless, evidentially, I am happier and more well-balanced as a woman. Even despite the transphobia I experience.
2/
I don't generally "feel like a woman". I feel like me.
But, like, do you understand that for decades before I transitioned I was fantasising about, pining for, the idea of having a female body, of being recognised as a woman, going thru life as one?
I tried to stoically accept that I was a man, I tried to embrace non-traditional masculinity, I tried everything to make this need go away. It didn't.
So I have to conclude, this is something real.
3/
And then, having run out of other options, I finally tried the things I had ruled out previously as too scary, the things that would bring judgment down on me.
I tried transition. Tho at the time I hadn't even realised myself as a woman.
I was shit scared. I did it anyway.
4/
I tried painting my nails. It brought me happiness. I tried feminine accessories. They brought comfort. I tried shaving my body hair. It felt calming.
I started dressing in femme clothes, around the house. It felt exciting at first, then just... right.
And then I went on hormones. And everything accelerated. My body itself began to feel like a home, like a friend. I hadn't realised how much or how long I had been suffering, because it had just felt normal.
5/
This is fact: transitioning to be more female in body, more feminine in presentation, and taking on a female-coded social role, made me feel vastly better in myself.
I know this is true of me, and many like me. And the experiences of transmasculine people in the other direction inform me that it's not as simple as womanhood just being better for everyone. It was something about me.
6/
That's it. That's what I've got. Just my experience.
No grand theory that explains everything, no intellectual justification. I can't explain this any more than you can.
But my experience is real. And I cannot stand by if you're going to "debate" the reality of it.
I exist. I'm right here. Look at me.
Fin/
@Tattie I'm a cis guy. I've always been in favor of trans rights since I learned trans people were a thing, but I did spend a number of years not really getting why someone would be trans.
Then one day I just had the thought, "What if I woke up tomorrow with a female body?" And after the obvious jokes that immediately came to mind, I actually thought about being stuck in the wrong body, unable to get back, and I had to stop because I almost gave myself a panic attack.
I'm an on-again-off-again recreational author, so I frequently find myself in unusual thought experiments. Which is to say, I hadn't intended to have a moment of profound empathy for trans people, but as soon as I calmed down I thought, Oh, this must be how a lot of trans people feel all time.
All of that to say: I see you. It's real. I think most cis people, if they put just a few minutes into the activity, would be forced to admit that if they were suddenly body swapped, they'd be desperate to get back to their correct body. Most cis people just never seriously confront the thought.
@Azuaron do you know? You're the first cis person I've spoken to willing to seriously entertain this thought experiment.
Most cis men make jokes about boobs, and most cis women focus on the privilege aspect. But almost everyone seems to falter at the deep imaginative act of their body being wrong for them.
I'm really glad you commented, because it's heartening to know that this sort of empathy is in fact possible— and that it plays out exactly as I would imagine, panic and all.
Thank you.
@Tattie @Azuaron He's not the only one. Another occasional author here, and another who has pondered waking up as/being polymorphed into a different body. Talking to friends (I also do TTRPG) I hear that the depth of dysmorphia people would experience would vary, but it is real body horror stuff.
Also useful for understanding and building empathy now I have a non-binary child.
Thank you for putting it so well. :-)
@Tattie Yeah, that doesn't entirely surprise me. The problem of the privileged is that they're very rarely confronted with this kind of thing--hell, as I said, I stumbled into it accidentally.
But, when I'm not being too nihilistic for my own good, it gives me a bit of hope. I am, generally, a somewhat unusual person, but I don't think I'm particularly "special" or "good" in this regard, and that means other people could get there.
I feel like I could speed run most guys. Not that I could necessarily turn guys all the way around, but, so much of man culture is, "Look how not-feminine I am! I am not weak and feminine!" (Unhealthy, yes, wrong in so many ways, yes, but that's what it is.) I could be aggressive enough walking them through the scenario that we'd quickly get past, "Haha, boobs," to, "Oh no, my body's wrong and I'm not myself," just by leaning on their existing fears.
@Azuaron @Tattie "same self, différent body" is a trope in #sciencefiction . Have you read "Call me Joe"? by Poul Anderson (1957!).
In sci-fi that can go in different way. In Anderson's story, having an alien body suits the protagonist just fine. Either way, if you read a lot of it you are almost bound to come across though thought experiments like yours.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Story_of_Your_Life?wprov=sfla1
@alberto_cottica @Tattie But that's just it, isn't it? I didn't try to imagine what it would be like to be a woman, and I think that's the wrong imagining for the purposes of this conversation.
I imagined what it would be like if I, suddenly and inexplicably, woke up in a female body. I was not a woman, and did not imagine myself as such. I didn't even "imagine myself as trans". I imagined what would happen if I just woke up in a female body, and the need to transition arose out of that situation all on its own.
@Tattie @alberto_cottica @Azuaron I would be instantly terrified of all men and want nothing at all to do with them.
And that's just that.
Would be like dropping a bomb in the room I'd panic so bad.
MAYBE that situation would improve if I suddenly became attracted to them. I very much doubt it.
This feels so relatable!
What finally opened my eyes to the desperate need for trans rights to be encoded (is that the correct verb?) permanently into law was my one and only full-term pregnancy.
Long story short, my body did not like being pregnant. It was not a pleasant experience. And then my tailbone fractured during delivery.
For the next few years, I felt like I'd been ripped from my true body & transplanted into someone else's. Wholly surreal, dysmorphic experience.
It was truly horrible.
Gradually, I became aware of the realization that this is what trans folk experience ALL THE TIME, at least until they can transition to the point of finally feeling like themselves. That was the tipping point for me: knowing how horrific it would be if there were a law against my doing everything I could to heal my body to the point of feeling like me again.
I'd been empathetic to trans people before, but this experience unlocked a whole new level.
Tattie
Azuaron
Kat S
Simon EI3JDB
Bernie Luckily Does It
Nikkileah 🎮🚄🏳️⚧️🇬🇧
Alberto Cottica
derptron
peter (sax) 🌈
Court Cantrell does not comply