Mastodawn

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

Things I've learned about myself in the last 4 years of transition:

1. I'm a girl. You'd think this would be something I'd have known before I started transitioning but it wasn't. I thought I wanted to be but that I am took a lot longer.

2. My favorite color is purple. 💜 I used to say by favorite colors were blue and black but that's mostly because I was afraid to embrace a "girly color".

3. I'm a fashion girl. Not only do I love buying and wearing pretty things but what I'm wearing has a big effect on how I feel about myself, how I feel in my body, and my confidence.

4. I love being a software engineer. I still check in on myself with this one pretty regularly because a lot of trans girls find out they actually hate it and bolt as soon as they can. But not me. I still love it.

5. I'm outgping. I'm still somewhat socially awkward thanks to autism and a lack of practice but I'm not actually that introverted. I love being around people and I love meeting and getting to know new people, as long as they're not assholes.

6. I'm actually a pretty cool person and people like me. I used to think my brains were the only thing people liked me for. Get good grades, get a good degree, get a good job, be impressive and then people will like you. But now? People just like me and think I'm cool without knowing anything about my grades or my work.

7. I love food and travel. I did some before but I never really embraced it. Now I love to cook and I actively look forward to every trip and every time I get to see a new city, hear a new language, and experience another culture.

8. I'm sappy as hell. 😂 Sci-fi and fantasy don't do much for me anymore. Give me a sappy romance or a good drama and I'll bawl my eyes out. I love a good coming of age story, too. Trauma and well-presented dysfunction are welcome as well. Anything which hits me in the feels. It doesn't even have to be good as long as it isn't terrible.

I could probably go on. This is just what came to mind today. If you showed me that list 10 years ago, I would have laughed at you.

Especially 3. I wore basically the same thing every day from middle school up until about 3 years ago. Now I'm worried I have a shopping addiction. 😂

Luka 🏴‍☠️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️5d ago

@faithisleaping yeah! You go girl!
And yeah, you are a pretty cool person

Willow, Venus Pirate 🏳️‍⚧️5d ago

@faithisleaping I wanna do one of these! Just gotta get my to do list for today handled

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

@Willow Please do! I want to read your list. 💜

Joscelyn Transpiring 5d ago

@faithisleaping it’s not a shopping addiction…it’s catching up on all the years you didn’t get to shop! 😉

Joscelyn Transpiring 5d ago

@faithisleaping to be a bit real though, I only caught up last year or so with my wife’s wardrobe in terms of size. A lot of women have much bigger wardrobes, they just had more years to acquire their items

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

@JoscelynTransient Yup! I'm still catching up. And not everything I bought in the first two or three years is going to be in my wardrobe long term. I'm still figuring things out.

Joscelyn Transpiring 5d ago

@faithisleaping yeah, we’re just trying to catch up with 20 years of outfits we didn’t get to buy…we can stop anytime…I most definitely don’t need another skirt…even though this one is a slightly different color than the others and has the cute little embroidery and I like how it spins…I can stop at any time… 🤭

Lona Theartlav 5d ago

@JoscelynTransient @faithisleaping Yeah, fourth year in, i'm only just starting to figure out what works for me. My custom built room sized closet is half full, yet a good two thirds of it is garbage. 🤣
Having worn the same outfit for decades, it didn't even occur to me that there are so many sensory horrible clothing materials out there...

Lou 🏳️‍⚧️5d ago

@JoscelynTransient
Outfits still aren't my thing… I *might* have a problem with jewelry though 👀 (*hides the several currently open tabs with potential new earrings* 🙈)
I can stop any time as well!

@faithisleaping

@faithisleaping @JoscelynTransient I have... a lot of clothes now. And I still feel like I have gaps in my wardrobe that need to be filled.

NonBinaryButterfly

@sophiesometimes @faithisleaping @JoscelynTransient Same. But slowly the situations where I say "nice piece of clothing, but I already have enough that are very close" start to happen more often.
And that makes me confident it's more "catching up" not a shopping addiction where I just buy things for the sake of buying.

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

@sophiesometimes @JoscelynTransient My current mental debate is whether or not to be a really cute but also very expensive rain coat from the UK.

We get about 10 days of precipitation per month here on average so I know it'll get use. But IDK if it's enough to actually walk to and from work since I also have a backpack that I need to keep dry so I kinda need an umbrella anyway.

On the other hand, walking around in winter with my beautiful purple coat and looking amazing has been one of my greatest joys this winter. 💜

Tonya Marie 🏳️‍⚧️5d ago

@JoscelynTransient @faithisleaping Exactly!

I've made the point that I'm speed running adolescence, including all the questionable fashion and makeup choices. Just let me catch up! 😄

@faithisleaping
I love this whole toot, all of it.

:EA DATA. SF:5d ago

@faithisleaping in addition to your cool hair, I'm really jealous of your PhD in math. I wish I'd pursued that instead of engineering, then comp sci, then dropping out.

When I took Differential Equations, I felt like I was learning some Lesser Key of Solomon secrets of the Universe shit. But my undiagnosed ADHD, autism, clinical depression, and gender dysphoria made college hell for me and I couldn't keep up.

I'm glad you finally get to be who you always were. It's another type of magick, isn't it? Uncovering a hidden world that was always there, just buried and waiting to be discovered when you learn the right words "I am a girl" to open the way.

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

@jrdepriest I mean... I did take a stop through mechanical engineering and then computer engineering before I ended up in math. And now I work as a software engineer. My path has been anything bit straightforward. 😂

Moriel 🏳️‍⚧️5d ago

@jrdepriest @faithisleaping

Oh this sounds so familiar!

As an undergrad i was being unsuccessfully treated for major depression that was really undiagnosed bipolar disorder, and also have to live with gender dysphoria that i couldn't do anything about because i lived with my parents. Took 6 1/2 years to get my BS, but i did it.

Then when i finally got into grad school, i lasted all of 1 1/2 semesters because of the meds for my bipolar disorder not working.

Last year i thought i was stable and happy enough to go back to school and i decided that what i really wanted was to study psychology instead of math. Did 2 semesters of undergrad classes as prep work for applying to grad school, and then this semester i dropped out because the Universe decided it was finally time to have all my old trauma come back up again, and also said to me
"oh by the way, you have DID or something LOL"

The Universe just hates the idea of me getting an advanced education.

The Witch of Crow Briar 5d ago

@faithisleaping Love this for you, dear 💜 I feel like we have similar stories, I feel 6 for sure, at least the same “before” part. I haven’t really experienced the positive “after”.

Aeryn is sort of a Fern 5d ago

@faithisleaping I was maybe about 8 when I deliberately changed my favourite colour from purple to green because "green is a boy colour" — purple was one of the first things I reclaimed after my egg cracked.

Tonya Marie 🏳️‍⚧️5d ago

@faithisleaping I have had to give myself a monthly budget for games and clothes shopping. I feel your pain, sister!

Moriel 🏳️‍⚧️5d ago

@faithisleaping

My favorite color has always been green, but purple has become my new best friend over the past couple fo years and i love it!

Bernie Luckily Does It 4d ago

@faithisleaping I'm really curious about that "a lot of trans girls find out they hate [software engineering] and bolt." Why do you think that is?

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

@BernieDoesIt There's a lot of reasons but one is that a lot of us end up there because it's a place you can hide. Wear the video game T-shirts, write the code, and you'll be fine. Sure, you still have to perform masculinity to a certain extent but nerdy guy is an easy enough role to play if you've already got the nerdy bit.

There's also a lot of girls who get CS degrees as a dysphoria coping mechanism. When you feel shit about yourself and you're dying inside but you're good with computers, it's something you can do that people will like you for. It gives you a sense of identity when you can't find anything else. You might not know who you are but you're good with computers and you can find identity in that.

Oh, and if you struggle socially, especially in your relationship with other girls, you can explain away a hell of a lot of that with being a nerd. I skipped out on the worst of many a dance by being the photographer.

I'm sure there's other reasons but those are the ones that come to mind tonight.

:EA DATA. SF:4d ago

@faithisleaping @BernieDoesIt

"Being the photographer" hits pretty hard. All of this rings true, but that specifically really got me because I didn't realize "performing the male role at a dance gives me the ick" was dysphoria until just now.

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

@jrdepriest @BernieDoesIt Uh... Yeah, that one hit me hard, too. 😢

Bernie Luckily Does It 4d ago

@jrdepriest @faithisleaping Yeah, I've been reassessing a lot of things in the last few months trying to decide which things were just because adolescence sucks, because of personal issues, and because of dysphoria. It's wild to me how many things I never associated with gender actually seem to be explained better by dysphoria than what I thought caused it before.

Bernie Luckily Does It 4d ago

@jrdepriest @faithisleaping Dancing is one I haven't decided on yet. I did like to dance when my family played music when I was a little kid, but I decided I didn't like it when I got to be an adolescent. It could just be that adolescents are expected to dance for longer periods of time and I get bored of dancing after a few minutes, so it might be nothing more than ADHD, but the timing is very suspicious.

Bernie Luckily Does It 4d ago

@jrdepriest @faithisleaping The fact that there are male and female roles in dancing would have bothered me, but enough of me likes being masculine that being expected to play the male role wouldn't have bothered me. On the other hand I've realized the dysphoria made me feel very self conscious about people looking at me, and dancing would draw attention to exactly that.

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

@BernieDoesIt @jrdepriest Also, clothes and the way you look and the way they feel makes a HUGE difference in how you experience dancing. This is partly a roles thing and partly a thing on its own. I went dancing a few years ago with some friends and it was a life-changing (positive) experience.

Faith, Purple haired feminist 🧋

@BernieDoesIt @jrdepriest Some of that came down to gender: I got to dance as a girl in a dress. But some of it also came down to the simple fact that I felt good in my body. Not perfect but good. And so I actually wanted to tear up the dance floor instead of just hide in a corner.

So yeah... 100% a dysphoria thing, at least for me.

Bernie Luckily Does It 3d ago

@faithisleaping @jrdepriest I was never a fan of men's formalwear, but dancing in my regular clothes still bothers me, so it can't be just that. Appearance certainly could be an issue. I only realized this fall that I've had dysphoria about the way I look and am shaped since puberty started. Some of it went under the radar and the rest I misattributed.

Bernie Luckily Does It 3d ago

@faithisleaping @jrdepriest I'm still trying to figure out that dysphoria about how I look and am shaped because it doesn't really align with the rest. I've been anti-gender for as long as I've been aware of its existence and have known that I like feeling feminine or masculine since the last few years of elementary school. How would you get any kind of preference out of that?

Bernie Luckily Does It 3d ago

@faithisleaping @jrdepriest And yet evidently some part of my brain thinks it's wrong that I don't have a feminine waist (but changing my hips and thighs would be equally wrong.) Most of the rest of my body I don't have any dysphoria about, but there is something wrong with my face. The only thing I know for sure is that it's not facial hair because that seems to help.

Bernie Luckily Does It 3d ago

@faithisleaping @jrdepriest Ok, that's a long-winded way to say I'm not sure if that's related to the dancing. It's a reasonably assumption to make but I don't understand either well enough to say for sure.

Bernie Luckily Does It 4d ago

@faithisleaping This makes a lot of sense.

Kirtai 🏳️‍⚧️4d ago

@faithisleaping
I especially feel number 5.