Great article about the kinds of mental load involved, for women, in domestic labour.

Sadly, this is old news.

Twenty years ago I completed a PhD thesis that unpacked & examined these aspects of domestic life.

By interviewing parents & kids separately, asking the same open ended questions - ‘what gets done, who does what, is it fair, & how do you think it should be?’, which I ran through 3 times, first for domestic tasks, then for the work of identifying what needs to be done & making sure it happens, then for noticing how everyone is feeling & keeping every happy in the process - then taking the family as my unit of analysis, I showed that men & kids were unaware of much of the physical & almost all of the intangible work women did in their homes. Boys & men thought everything was fine. Girls did not want to assume, as adults, the domestic servant role they saw their mothers placed in but had no strategies to achieve this beyond ‘I’ll just tell them’.

There was a hierarchy of work in these families in which men’s work & leisure time had highest priority, then kids’ schooling & leisure, then domestic work of all kinds. Womens paid work & leisure was lowest priority of all.

The families that lived without conflict were those in which the hierarchy of work was not disputed. Where women sought to disrupt the hierarchy there was conflict - which became another part of the domestic load she was expected to manage.

My findings showed that contrary to popular narratives of ‘progress’, this dynamic was not likely to change until men as well as women recognise the dynamic & choose to shift it.

This argument was not popular.

Twenty years later, here we are.

I wish I had been wrong.

#DomesticLabour #EmotionWork #MentalLoad #sociology #research #women #mothers

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2026-03-02/the-four-stages-of-the-mental-load-explained/106348264?utm_source=abc_news_app&utm_medium=content_shared&utm_campaign=abc_news_app&utm_content=other

Women carry bulk of the mental load, but men are active in one stage

While research has found mothers do more in all four stages of cognitive labour, there was one stage where men were more active than others.

@26pglt My wife and I talk about this all the time, but the cognitive load is hard to manage. We‘re a classic family - I work full-time to support the family, my wife works part-time and manages our calendar and our daughter. I try and help with chores as much as I can in my spare time (work days for me are usually 8am - 6pm), but sometimes that is not enough. We don’t have much support from our immediate family, so the only free time we both get is during school holidays.
@26pglt The struggle is real and it is draining both of us. But we hold together and make the best of it - it’s what keeps us afloat. But every now and then it seems that the mountain of stuff that needs to be taken care of is insurmountable.

@chrisn @26pglt It's good you're working at it. I mean that. I'm struck, though, by the use of language.

"I work full-time to support the family" If "support the family" means 'enable them to live and grow,' your wife is doing that too. She just doesn't get the recognition of being paid.

Plus she "works part-time." I assume that means has a paying job in addition to everything else. Yet the phrasing somehow gives the feeling that what she does is lesser, even though I'm sure that's not how you meant it. But there it is, the same aura that seeps into everything.

(Could you hold down a full time job and do your full share of all the unpaid work? Probably not. Paying work was structured by men embedded in patriarchy; it assumes a wife at home to take care of 7 days a week worth of unpaid labor. Gender equality would require restructuring work as well as everything else!)

@quixote @26pglt I'm not perfect by any means - the phrasing is so ingrained into society that I did not think twice before writing it. But I would never regard my wife's work as lesser, or anything she does in fact.
The point I was trying to make is that even if you have a family that supports each other - modern life can be draining, it is hard. You must help each other out, or it may overwhelm you. 'It takes a village to raise a child' as they say.

@chrisn @26pglt Exactly. I was sure, given what you were saying, that you meant the right things. It's just always boggling, to me anyway, ^how^ we say things is so steeped in the mindset being rejected. And there's no lack of research showing that how we say things has influence on us without us even noticing. So we're bamboozled into doing The Man's work while trying to do the opposite. 😵‍💫

Yes, absolutely, re the village. In my ideal world (really, https://molvray.com/govforum/2010/05/economy/#Labor ) the work week is 24 hours long, parents/caregivers get different shifts, child care is a right, and everybody (gets to?) take part in all the different kinds of work. Just that brief sentence, though, shows how much restructuring would be needed for an equal society.

Reimagining Democracy » Money and Work