It might be tempting to think that "it's easier to have kids in your 20s and early 30s than later" is just something annoying relatives who want nephews and grandkids without doing all the hard work say, or worse something the creepiest men on the internet say just before demanding child marriage be legalized.
But, it's also kind of true.
If you want to have kids don't dwaddle if possible. IVF is no fun. It sucks. Stop trying to own a house and have the perfect job before you have kids.
That is IF you want kids.
Obviously.
But if you do that's kind of awesome and yes I'm the annoying person who wants to be an aunt of everyone.
@msbellows @futurebird I have never been a parent, so I have no direct answer.
Indirect, my attention is like a spotlight. It's on, when it's on, and it's off, when it's off. I am very self-involved. Parents need to keep a glow going, even on the bad days. That is not one of my abilities.
@futurebird I had the short version of this conversation with a friend recently
He claimed he had his kid "too" early (in a financial context) but he's always talking about how run down he feels now compared to his 20s, so I parried with the energy thing
@futurebird personally i feel like folks should wait until their early 30s. if you're serious about becoming a parent one day, spend your 20s working to get yourself in the best situation you can and a stable relationship (whatever that looks like for you) and give yourself time to mature and figure yourself out as a person. i think it puts people in a way better position to be a healthy and effective parent than like, 22 or whatever
biological realities are what they are (but you never know so be safe!) but i feel like everyone i know who had young parents turned out with severe trauma directly related to their household/family situation
@futurebird I had a kid when I turned 40 and can confirm that it's probably harder to do the work of raising them well when your own body is starting to slow down and you dont feel like a youth anymore. I definitely need more naps and can't keep up sometimes, and my knees hurt from when I try 😅
That said, no regrets, this is the job I wanted and _my_ kid is objectively the *best* 😊
@futurebird
I'm an older parent and would recommend it. It's when I was ready. Both kids born after my 35th birthday and they're 5 years apart.
Fun fact all the literature from decades ago on increased birth defects with increasing maternal age was found to be bullshit. (When you correct for the n, the difference is insignificant) Same is being found for fertility. Remember when we were told we're born with all the eggs we'll ever have? Yeah that was wrong...
You are so very right. The “pro natalist” crowd has created a miasma of nonsense and misinformation— exploiting deep fears that are often connected to racism, sexism and ableism. But, at the heart of that cloud is the kernel of truth: A community without children has no future. A community where people give up on having kids is a sign of a deeper pessimism.
I worry about young and ambitious people I know who bring a kind of perfectionism to having kids— when it’s just one of the many ways to rejoice in being a living creature in the world.
I worry that since there isn’t reason to talk about people’s personal choices outside of very crazy right wing spaces you don’t hear anything but some depressing calculations about “the carbon footprint of having kids”
Isn’t that who we were saving up all the other carbon for?
which is why I appreciate the child-free-by-choice people who are still interested in having children in their lives. The tías and tíos that are also important in showing children that there are other ways of being a happy adult than the way their parents are.
@futurebird Gotta do IVF anyway (lesbian), hyper aware that I'm 36 and it'll get harder, hopefully my partner and I can start within the year. 🙏
Glad I didn't have kids in my 20s though personally, I absolutely was not ready. I had so much figuring out of self to do first that wouldn't have got figured.
@futurebird
I'm grappling with the likelihood that I won't be able to have kids. I'm in my late thirties and I've been waiting all this time for the world to get better. And it just got worse.
I don't know how I'm supposed to take that as anything but a sign that I'm just... not meant to have a kid. Despite the fact that I want one.
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