SO. MANY. FEELS!

😭

this is fuckin hard, y'all

like, good overall and important and stuff but. OOF.

Hardest part is realising and admitting how wrong I was for so long and how I lived my life based on lies when really I always strived for and valued the truth. But like. It sounds cliché and fake but it does atm feel like "that wasn't really me, that was the disorder". idk. I hate it. I hate realising that I was completely under the thumb of something that I would have rejected, that I was not in control, it was controlling me. And even after I was on my recovery journey, there was still so much bs that I was holding on to and that had a hold over me. so much 😭

lies like

"Self-restraint is a virtue/ indulgence is bad"

"less is more"

"if it doesn't hurt, it can't be effective"

"it is virtuous and morally good and important and effective to make personal sacrifices"

"this isn't a sacrifice, you LIKE it!" (when I don't allow myself to consider the alternative)

"this is extreme, but extreme is good because it is radical, it goes to the roots of the problem!" (ok, sometimes true, but not everything that's extreme is automatically effective or even radical!)

"this flies in the face of conventional wisdom because I am actually more informed than most people" (again, sometimes true but not automatically true)

"the problem isn't that this is too hard, it's that I'm stupid/not trying enough/ etc"

"you always have to try harder. just like. in general."

"pushing yourself is morally good and leads to growth rather than burnout"

"you don't deserve to have your needs and desires met"

"this isn't a need, it's a want, it's selfish"

"others have it worse so quit complaining"

"resting is wasting time"

"having fun is selfish when others are suffering"

"there is so much to do, no time for rest/fun!"

...and so on. Until you genuinely can't tell what you want and need. Because society and especially abusers (insofar as there's a difference) beat that ability out of us starting in infancy.

And these beliefs are so common in activist scenes and spaces and are what motivates many people to do activism. It's not "just" the stuff eating disorders are made out of, it's also the water most people swim in in general. Obviously you get versions of these beliefs in religions and conservative circles too....

There's nothing more radical than listening to your body's needs and allowing them unconditionally. Fuck the concepts of laziness, greed and undeservedness!

#EDRecovery #EatingDisorder #recovery #mh #DietCulture #AbuseCulture #MentalHealth #MentalIllness

Like that thing that recipe bloggers do where they make a "healthy" (IT'S PROBABLY BOGUS SCIENCE!!! THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU NEED!) version of something and tell you that "you can't even tell the difference". Yeah you can. If it has no sugar, fat and/or carbs in it, it probably tastes like cardboad and won't satisfy. Bodies need macronutrients, them good.

My parents told me the same about expensive brand name stuff (like nutella lol) versus knock-offs, that "you can't taste the difference". But that's gaslighting. Different versions of the same food often taste different enough that it is very reasonable to have favourites. And that's ok. And for me personally that is sometimes the cheaper version (idk I liked cheap ketchup better than the brand name one). But not always. And that's ok. Even if you can't afford the expensive version or don't have the spoons to prepare your favourite version etc, it's still ok to acknowledge which food or version of it you prefer.