Mastodawn

Ricki Bowie Knives Tarr

I grew up with parents that were hoarders. We moved a lot when I was a kid, and it would astound me that they would haul, what seemed like trash to me, from place to place. It's taken me a long time to realize that this wasn't something they did to me, that mentally healthy people don't do this. They had built this identity around their pain, and didn't know how to heal. I'm still working on this myself, trying to turn anger into compassion, and see depression for what it was. This isn't to let my parents off the hook for the ways in which they failed me. Forgiveness and understanding is something I have to do for myself. If you can't forgive other people, you probably won't have compassion for yourself either. I haven't got there 100%, I probably never will, because this is a journey where every day I have to ask if what I'm holding onto is serving me. We probably all hoard something in the end, maybe it's not physical things, but it's there nonetheless. I hope you all find the healing you need and deserve in life. I love you all, have a great day.

Poloniousmonk 4d ago

"I probably never will, because this is a journey where every day"

That's not necessarily a bad thing.

1) You are good and channeling anger into humor. That makes you likeable.

2) Anger is a motivator. Placid people don't change the world. They sit calmly while fascists take over.

Just my $0.02.

Ricki Bowie Knives Tarr 4d ago

@Uair ❤️
You're right, anger can be great to get us motivated to work for better things. It's the anger that sits and turns to bitterness that gets you.

Poloniousmonk 4d ago

"Anger scars over into despair."
--Chris Nolan, 'Tenet'

Kierkegaanks regretfully 4d ago

@RickiTarr About forgiving yourself… in richard iii, on the night before the last battle he is haunted by the ghosts of the people he killed. Is that like my brain reminding me of all the cringe things i said and did, but for nobility?

Ricki Bowie Knives Tarr 4d ago

@Kierkegaanks Ohhh maybe

@RickiTarr ❤️

Wandering Hermit 4d ago

{hugs}

Anders von Hadern 🐦‍🔥4d ago

@RickiTarr For myself I found out that in order to have empathy for myself I don't need to forgive my wrongdoers. Especially if I was in contact with them and they refused to acknowledge (not even talking about excuse here). Instead I learned that I can leave it with them - not my circus, not my clowns. And grow for myself, giving me the well deserved credits for the person I am.

Which in case of manipulative beings is the worst one can do because it clearly signals them that they have no power over me anymore. And then being kind and understanding to everybody, to myself and even them - it is crucial because they will never reach this level or understand it.

I am pretty well with this way, might not be fitting for others ;-)

David J. Atkinson 4d ago

@RickiTarr @anders_von_hadern Anders, this is what I do too. (Or did do. Retirement also helps a lot. ) “Not my circus, not my clowns” is wonderful. I could have used this nearly daily. The problem comes when you feel like it IS your circus. Investing time, passion and hard work make it so. Hiring good people, not clowns. Disengaging can be hard, but it feels great!

Anders von Hadern 🐦‍🔥4d ago

@meltedcheese @RickiTarr This.

If you engage in the circus at least make sure you bring the clowns or you have fun ;-)

@RickiTarr I'm looking at the various piles of junk in the garage and at my age, the probability that my son and his family will be facing the same junk piles when I die. I had to clear my parents' house when they passed so it's not just an intellectual exercise to ponder this.

Cavyherd 4d ago

@4d3fect @RickiTarr

Yeah, I've been on a vague quest to clear the crap out of my condo for several years now. Over that time, I've exported probably six or eight cubic meters of Stuff. The most depressing part? You can't tell. Like, at all.

WylieCoyoteUK 4d ago

@4d3fect @RickiTarr My son in laws' garages both have far more junk in them than mine.
In fact a lot of the junk in mine is overflow from theirs.

@wyliecoyoteuk @RickiTarr intergenerational junk

G. Gibson 4d ago

@RickiTarr love you back ... Cheers

GJ Groothedde 🇪🇺4d ago

@RickiTarr I wish you well!

Lisa Melton 4d ago

@RickiTarr This. 💯

Victor Zambrano 4d ago

@RickiTarr I hope you find the healing you need and deserve in life.

Bob Jamieson 4d ago

@RickiTarr Thank you Ricky. There is so much sense in what you say, and there is no need to unpack it, because it speaks for itself, and speaks to all of us that did not have a "perfect" upbringing. In some ways I feel sorry for those who never struggled in childhood, because they may never feel the compassion for others that comes from the struggle for self compassion.
You are a beacon in a difficult world; never change! We love you too!

Ricki Bowie Knives Tarr 4d ago

@bobjmsn ❤️

Lorgo Numputz 4d ago

Grew up in a hoarding household myself - although it didn't really get really bad until I moved out to go to college.

It took some therapy and a lot of thinking to understand it - the hoarder was my mother and my father was just trying to stay sane. My mom's life until marriage was a horror show and she lost a child before I was born so, naturally, my moving out triggered a lot of things for her.

When my father died (mom was in a nursing home by that time) we had a gigantic mess that, ultimately, we (the children) had to simply walk away from as the bank was repossessing the house and we wouldn't have time to clean the house beforehand. We grabbed anything we saw of value and left it.

30 years of accumulation had almost entirely filled:

- A standalone 2 car (think 1970s cars) garage with overhead storage
- A 4 bedroom, 2 story house
- A full sized 2 story barn

We found many surprises - including a 1953 Chevy and US Postal Service jeep in the barn, buried under boxes.

Thankfully my parents were "stuff" hoarders (as opposed to "garbage hoarders" as I've seen on some shows).

We found unopened boxes of purchases that my mother had brought in and never opened - she just put them on the pile.

Shapeshifting Bog Wren 4d ago

@RickiTarr
Kinda needed this today.
I sometimes wonder if I just inherited a "grudge" gene because all of us in my family are rather notorious for holding on to a grudge.

I wonder if I have a hording gene too. Both my parents hung on to things. My dad, I'm convinced had adhd, and just forgot that he had whatever it is he would buy again. My mother... *sigh* my mother, like me, lived a life of scarcity. Her way more than I did but I think that is why I hang on to things because I usually think, "what if I need or can use this later?" I also get unreasonably emotionally attached to things as well.

"𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘯'𝘵 𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 100%, 𝘐 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭..."
Same. I doubt I'll get there. But maybe we'll get close. At least we're aware of the why's and I guess that's a step in the right direction.

Big hugs to you Ricki.
Muah.

John Robinson 4d ago

@WrenArcher @RickiTarr Well, you haven’t got a spelling gene! “Hording”

Shapeshifting Bog Wren 4d ago

@johnelalamo
🤣 🤣 🤣

I am also notorious for editing my posts when I see the spelling errors as they pop up in my notifications.

*desperately resisting the urge to not edit my replyyyyyy*
@RickiTarr

John Robinson 4d ago

@WrenArcher @RickiTarr Also, you are clearly a gentleman!👏👏👏

Shapeshifting Bog Wren 4d ago

@johnelalamo
Thank you ma'am.
That's really kind of you.

*twirls handlebar mustache and evil-laughs*

@WrenArcher @RickiTarr “unreasonably emotionally attached” is my hoarding style. Every once in a while I can detach myself from something that no longer serves me, but then it still usually comes back to haunt my dreams. “What if I need those cute glass luncheon plates? I might have a dozen houseguests that would appreciate tiny matching tableware!”

Evan Prodromou 4d ago

@RickiTarr Wow. Thanks for sharing this.

isotope239 🥸💻🇺🇦😣4d ago

@RickiTarr I think some people hoard out of fear. My brother and I spent the last three years clearing my dad's house after he went into memory care and discovered that he had never thrown away anything. More disturbing was finding all the guns and knives, we found loaded handguns in his shoe rack, under sofa pillows, in his underwear drawer. My dad was one of the kindest people I ever met, so what was he so afraid of that he had to have defensive weaponry hidden everywhere?

jstogdill 🙊4d ago

@isotope239 @RickiTarr I had a similar experience. Found about six loaded guns around the house. Usually wrapped in an old tee shirt hidden in a drawer or behind a piece of furniture.

jstogdill 🙊4d ago

@isotope239 @RickiTarr I asked a friend if his about it. He had a gun when I was growing up, but only one. And in a nightstand. This was different. His friend told me a story I hadn’t heard before. …

jstogdill 🙊4d ago

@isotope239 @RickiTarr He lived in the middle of a corn field far from town. One Sunday night at 9pm he got a knock on the door. Guy asked for a ride to Michigan - about 40 miles away. My dad, I guess he thought he was being a Good Samaritan, obliged. The next morning the police came to the house canvassing the nighborhood. Turns out he (unknowingly) aided and abetted the escape of a penitentiary inmate.

isotope239 🥸💻🇺🇦😣4d ago

@jstogdill @RickiTarr My goodness! Now that's a story!

isotope239 🥸💻🇺🇦😣4d ago

@jstogdill @RickiTarr Yes, that sounds similar to my dad alright. Of course, in the SE part of New Mexico, it was a tradition to hide guns in the walls of ranch houses in case you got assailed by Native Americans in the late 19th century. But I very much doubt that there was much of a chance that my dad was under that kind of threat. He definitely thought someone was out to get him.

Rachel 🌎✨🕊️4d ago

holding space for you in my heart, Ricki. may you be blessed with divine light and love. 💖💫

You've just described the core of Buddhism.

draNgNon 4d ago

"every day I have to ask if what I'm holding onto is serving me"

❤️

@RickiTarr I am handling my aunt's estate right now. We had been low contact for years, as she was a difficult person to deal with. Especially as she aged and her health went, she hoarded. And of course kept it hidden. Family heirlooms, and garbage. Rotting take out, wet cat food, cant urine and feces. Her kitchen was filled to the brim with empty cardboard boxes. She died in her home.

Going through her life like that was heart wrenching, on so many levels. Discovered some awful things about her, like when she considered suing me because I replaced a broken DVD player. And heart breaking letters to lovers who didn't work out.

Just yesterday I got the carpet pulled out finally, and subfloor professionally treated. Emotionally, it finally feels like she has moved on. I'm not dealing with "her" any longer, but selling a house.

Hoarding is hard on everyone around the person. It isn't aimed at you, but it overwhelmes you and claws you in. I wish you healing.

@RickiTarr Wow, does that feel familiar. I once had a conversation with my mom, who has had a fair amount of trauma of one sort or another, and created a fair bit of her own... At one point, in a moment of frustration, I told her I did not understand why trauma, and certain damaging responses thereto, just have to be hereditary. She blinked and then said "--Yeah!" Like she never thought of it that way...that we don't *have* to follow that donkey-line down the same old fucking trail. 😬

@RickiTarr I should add that I started down that path earlier in my life, too--as youngsters, we often do what we observe, right? I had many of the same patterns and coping mechanisms of those who raised me. I'm a slow learner--I was probably about 35 when I realized the pattern and have worked hard to take a healthier path. At this point my worst vices are collecting too many books, and being too sentimental about certain items, but I think there's been progress.

🌸

Chadarius 4d ago

@RickiTarr Almost every time my parent's moved I would make them rent a dumpster. The last time I did it, I filled a dumpster every week for almost 2 months. Simplify simplify simply your life. Leave your burdens in the garbage.

@RickiTarr In reaction against my father, I have worked all my life to not accumulate junk. If I have not used something in two years: GET RID OF IT! OK, so it is hard to go around checking everything - the solution is to just relocate. Pack up what is essential and discard the rest. Even so, my wife and I have almost 200 pounds of must-keeps.

Vayl Larkin (they/them)4d ago

@RickiTarr When I was in college, my apartment-mate turned out to be a hoarder. The thing is, she wasn't obtrusive. When I asked her to keep her things mostly to her room, she was able and more than willing to do so. She never wanted to be visible for this. I had a lot of my own problems and I used to feel so hard for her that she couldn't mask as easily as I sometimes could. The privilege of a disability that doesn't "bother" others as much is not insignificant, though it is unjust.

Jeff Zugale - Z Factory 4d ago

@RickiTarr my mom was always a pack rat, keeping lots of stuff for inexplicable reasons. I’ve got quite a bit of that too, and since right now I’m moving to a smaller cheaper apartment, I’m going through a lot of stuff, and at least for myself, I realized there’s a lot of things I hang onto because they spark memories that I *want* to remember. Because ADHD, if I throw them out, I may never everremember those memories again, that part of my life may disappear.

Em & future cats 🇺🇦🐈🏳️‍🌈4d ago

@RickiTarr Thank you for sharing. I too suffer from “hoarding problems”occasionally. It makes more sense now that this comes on from having stress/mental health issues/anxiety/Fam problems. Especially (in my case) holding onto “stuff” allowed you to use “stuff”. I’m talking pretty paper, wood & cardboard to use for crafting because there wasn’t an option “just buy whatever material you can use”. I’m slowly becoming better, & my mental health is improving, so clean organized room here we come!😹

Mr. Bill 4d ago

@RickiTarr ~ Love you too. Be well dear friend. ❤️

Alex Psmith 4d ago

@RickiTarr Lack of forgiveness doesn't translate to lack of compassion, for onself or for others. These are separate things.

Mary Austin VOTED 4 HARRIS!4d ago

@RickiTarr
Thank you so much for sharing this, Ricki. I wish you grace and healing and all the peace you deserve. It's very brave of you to expose this kind of thing to the internet-- maybe this isn't Twitter but we all know we still get some pretty wack replies around here. You help other people when you state these kinds of important life concerns.

Mary Austin VOTED 4 HARRIS!4d ago

@RickiTarr
I'm sorry for the Ig link (normally I only use those for protest stuff you can't get on the Fedi) but this video is from a narcissistic abuse recovery coach. I think what she says particularly applies to women and people of color who are told to repress any anger and submit to all kinds of abuse. But it's useful for anyone who's been abused and expected not to feel anger or defend themselves.

We can't let anger consume us, but we do need to listen to it.

https://www.instagram.com/p/DKCjtr1uWAi/

Jill Wise Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Coach on Instagram: "Feeling Anger in your Hesling Journey is Nory& Healthy If you’re interested in private one on one narcissistic abuse recovery coaching sessions with me, click the link in the bio of this account and visit my website. #narcissist #theenlightenedtarget #enlightenedtarget #npd #narcissism #covertnarcissist #femalenarcissist #malignantnarcissist #sociopath #psychopath #traumabond #redflags #smearcampaign #flyingmonkey #toxicrelationships #toxicfamily #reactiveabuse #gaslighting #emotionalabuse #mentalabuse #psychologicalabuse #selflove #narcissism #instagood #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticabuserecovery #complexptsd #cptsd #jillwise #healing #reelsofinstagram"

478 likes, 19 comments - the_enlightened_target on May 24, 2025: "Feeling Anger in your Hesling Journey is Nory& Healthy If you’re interested in private one on one narcissistic abuse recovery coaching sessions with me, click the link in the bio of this account and visit my website. #narcissist #theenlightenedtarget #enlightenedtarget #npd #narcissism #covertnarcissist #femalenarcissist #malignantnarcissist #sociopath #psychopath #traumabond #redflags #smearcampaign #flyingmonkey #toxicrelationships #toxicfamily #reactiveabuse #gaslighting #emotionalabuse #mentalabuse #psychologicalabuse #selflove #narcissism #instagood #narcissisticabuse #narcissisticabuserecovery #complexptsd #cptsd #jillwise #healing #reelsofinstagram".

Instagram

Curious Magpie 4d ago

@RickiTarr what a great way of explaining it! I'm glad you're finding your way through 💗

@RickiTarr BOOST TO THE STARS! I needed that. Thank you much.

Finnhits 4d ago

@RickiTarr You also have a great day. Some of us are fuckups and have children. And that’s why there’s psychotherapy.