“It’s your choice to feel hurt or not.”
“Take back your power!”
A thread. 🧵
Telling people they ‘have the choice’ and to ‘take back their power’ can, at times, be a bit less helpful than one might think.
1/8
#Abelism #Disabled #Minorities #Marginalized #Capitalism #PowerDifferential #PowerStructure #Hierarchy #ActuallyAutistic
It implies that a) whoever’s suffering has the sole responsibility for doing something about their situation, and b) there’s nothing faulty with thinking this way.
Which is a situation that happens to be quite convenient for those who don’t want change.
We tend to use these phrases when we’re talking to (or about) the least powerful people in a given situation, or within society at large.
2/8
My daughter’s class was told by a well-meaning social care teacher, “It’s up to you whether other people’s words have the power to harm you or not.”
She put up her hand and asked, “So does that mean it’s my fault if someone bullies me, and I mind?”
I’ve also witnessed marginalized people, e.g. Black people and/or women, being told they shouldn’t take things so personally. To ‘be above it’.
3/8
#Bullying #School #Education #Children #Racism #Sexism #GenderEquality
Some people reply, when I voice my reservations, “But people do have power! They do have a choice!”
Yes (hesitantly)… Only… how much choice do people have? How much power?
(It’s not binary. You don’t either have a choice or none. Or either have power or none. I think we fall into the trap of thinking if you have the tiniest iota of power, that equates to being powerful. Which isn't really the case. It’s like saying the land is the sea because there’s a lake on it.)
4/8
Let’s look at the schoolchild.
Do they have a choice about being there? No. Do they have a choice about being called names in the corridor? Short of hiding in the bathroom, probably not. So – the only thing left for them to ‘have a choice’ about, is minding. Do we give them barbiturates, so they feel things less? No.
Hm. I'm baffled about which part they have a choice in.
It feels a bit like telling someone to just breathe deeply when they’re on Mars or at the bottom of the ocean. 🌊
5/8
It sounds far more like a (rather indirect) statement of, “I’m not going to help you. No one will. And we won’t even give you the satisfaction of recognizing your plight.”
To be fair, I think we feel helpless ourselves. Impotent. Which is a horrible feeling to have in the face of our fellow humans’ suffering.
We don’t know what to do, and want to at least say something helpful!
6/8
But perhaps, instead, we could try things like, “I see your plight,” “I’m sorry things are this way,” and even… at times, and if it feels appropriate… taking steps to help them (depending how strong we feel at the time and what we can do without breaking ourselves as well).
7/8
Ways to help people can be found at the end of my article ‘why I don’t tell people when I’m not okay’ (https://www.neurofabulous.org.uk/article-why-i-dont-say-when-not-okay.html) and in Melissa’s article ‘where is my oxygen mask’ (https://theresajinthere.com/2023/10/24/where-is-my-oxygen-mask/).
While ways to help schoolchildren, especially neurodivergent ones, can be found in my book ‘How to Raise Happy Neurofabulous Children’ (https://uk.jkp.com/products/how-to-raise-happy-neurofabulous-children) and Luke Beardon's 'Avoiding Anxiety in Autistic Children' (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Avoiding-Anxiety-Autistic-Children-Wellbeing/dp/1529394767/ref=sr_1_1?crid=SFPT0FKGWWDH&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.S741oRSR-XBN-mqg6Urfc3zw7ocFDn1rJ7jUFyicDlWGl5LBMCgrE2RztxEpxxybwu4N84ZiaANg-ChK1-IBxdbd-iuhtDjPHY1_VEUOB0RxTSwwxr0uM_nxygDpn2-SSBChexed5rH3XB6HauCb10BlChWL15UFChlkDr85lNYsnpKrIE8YVSYUVJpInAJH3sXyxW1s83bHtQkn9VKEe00TIsblzww_ctDgCFR730o.fUfSTIuNHpXiftbr5VZqDlH7yA7SKPap25DapKMLjRc&dib_tag=se&keywords=luke+beardon+autism+anxiety&nsdOptOutParam=true&qid=1736782156&sprefix=luke+beardon%2Caps%2C95&sr=8-1)
End of 🧵
💜 💙 💚 💛 🧡 ❤️
8/8
Thank you 😊
Katy Elphinstone
Art Brew
Annelies Kamran, Ph.D.