Dr. CatmanJun 24, 2024
Xauri'EL Zwaan

Techbro: Behold my brilliant new invention, the Child-Mangling Machine!

Us: This is worse than useless, it is actively dangerous

Thought Leaders & the Media: The Child-Mangling Machine will revolutionize every aspect of how we live our lives!

Us: Nobody wants this, please stop

Corporations: We're rolling out plans to put a Child-Mangling Machine in every supermarket

Jun 17, 2024 at 10:13amWeb
Show threadXauri'EL ZwaanJun 18, 2024
People are comparing the Child-Mangling Machine to the Torment Nexus and the Orphan-Crushing Machine, but it's completely different because it's a blockchain cryptocurrency NFT cloud-based AI-powered metaverse augmented-reality sharing-economy carbon-neutral internet-of-things drone that requires proprietary Child-Mangling Pods(tm)
Show threadXauri'EL ZwaanJun 19, 2024
Move fast and break things (eg. The bones of children)
Show threadAndy WoottonJun 17, 2024
@XauriEL Influencers: "When I first received my child mangling machine, I couldn't see the point but now I've had it for 29 days, I don't know how I ever coped without it."
Show threadbityzJun 17, 2024
@XauriEL Corporations: We're rolling out plans to put a Child-Mangling Machine in every pocket
Show threadsmallerdemonJun 17, 2024
@XauriEL You can just opt out! - Signed, Tech Bro Currently Actively Enjoying Mangled Children
Show threadouinneJun 17, 2024

@XauriEL Schools and daycares all pivot to: “if you don’t use Child-Mangling Machines in your work, you’re an out of date incompetent who doesn’t deserve a job!”

Also no one talks about the fact that Child-Mangling Machines are just a glossy PR-speak version of the ordinary childpresses everyone have been using for decades to do child-mangling on a smaller scale.

Show threadKid ManiaJun 17, 2024
@ouinne @XauriEL
"Think Piece" : After some sectors swear the Child-Mangling Machine is nothing more than an updated version of the long-used Child-Press, tech companies promise Child-Mangling Machine 2.0. Says Inventor, "It'll blow your damn mind."
Show threadMike Blake 🍉🇵🇸🇺🇦️‍⚧️Jun 17, 2024
@XauriEL
Israel: Pre-orders 100,000
Show threadjoachimJun 17, 2024
@XauriEL When my kids were younger we used to play 'Robot Dad' where I'm a robot which inexplicably was designed with a switch to enable 'Child mashing mode'. It all makes sense now.
Show threadFediThing Jun 17, 2024

@XauriEL

Stockmarket gamblers: We're investing in this because we think it might go up on the basis of the hype, even if we know it's total crap. As long as we cash out in time we don't care either way.

Show threadThomas SturmJun 17, 2024
@XauriEL @ansuz This can be streamlined with Child-Mangling-As-A-Service for a monthly fee.
Show threadChris Gioran 💔Jun 17, 2024
@XauriEL Show HN: I built a Libre Child-Mangling Machine over the weekend.
Show threadOzzelot Jun 17, 2024
@chrisg @XauriEL Beginner opensource contributor: I ported Child-Mangling Machine to SerenityOS
Show threadTobias KlausmannJun 17, 2024
@XauriEL Bah it's just a knockoff of the market leader's Orphan Crushing Machine™
Show threadA Slightly Orange CatJun 17, 2024

@XauriEL "Corporations: We're rolling out plans to put a Child-Mangling Machine in every supermarket."

Wait, I thought that's what these things were.

Show threadMax™Jun 17, 2024
@XauriEL think of all the jobs we could make with a healthy child mangling machine sector, though, people who make parts for... *aide whispers on my ear* oh, really, is all made overseas?
Show threadLog 🪵Jun 17, 2024
@XauriEL Other Techbro: This is perfect for my Torment Nexus.
Show threadTito SwinefluJun 17, 2024
@XauriEL I once went to a pitch meeting with my startup in which someone was actually proposing harvesting baby teeth for dubious stem-cell reasons. They got their money. That was in 2009, so tech baby mangling machines have been enthusiastically embraced for quite some time.
Show threadDoctor M. PopularJun 17, 2024
@XauriEL the Child-Mangling Genie is out of the bottle and there's no way we can put it back in.
Show threadHerveusJun 17, 2024

@XauriEL Ah. Where someone watches the Architect sketch from Monty Python and uses it for inspiration.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e2PyeXRwhCE

Monty Python- Architect Sketch

YouTube
Show threadarjankroonenJun 17, 2024
@XauriEL I thought this was about Tesla Cybertruck but I guess there are more options out there to get kids killed!
Show threadShadowbottleJun 17, 2024
@XauriEL @monkeyborg Billionaire-Owned Media: Here’s a Zany “Self-started”, Generational Wealth Billionaire CEO take, and what his smooth-brained worshippers now also think!
Show threadenoch_exe_incJun 18, 2024
@XauriEL It’s not even a new innovation. It’s a reinvention of a device called the #OrphanCrushingMachine, which is not just a machine that crushes orphans, but a whole societal institution that systematically deprives poorer children of their parents so that it would always have an endless supply of orphans.
Show threadenoch_exe_incJun 18, 2024
@XauriEL People used to cheer when the Orphan Crushing Machine was turned off for a day, but due to people never questioning why such a machine even exists, it was only a matter of time before someone in Silicon Valley decided to “revolutionise” the OPM by giving it a fancy new name, its own blockchain to mint NFTs of crushed orphans which can be used as characters in a Metaverse blockchain game, and even manual voice control powered by an LLM.